New Jokes

Rofl[666]

One day a son asked his father what was the difference between "theory" and reality". His father thought and then said "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with the next door neighbor for a half million dollars".

The son went to his mother and asked her. She thought about it a minute and then said, "Yes, yes I would". The son returned to his father and told him her reply.

The father then told the son to go ask his sister if she would sleep with the next door neighbor's son for a half million dollars . The son went to his sister and asked her. She thought about it for a minute and then replied "Yes, yes I would". The son returned to his father and told him his sister also said she would.

The father said "Well son, there you have it. In theory, we're living with a million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores".

SWAT_OP-R8R
Portal-Administrator

Just Too Stupid

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

WHAT PORNOS WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE...

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

SWAT_OP-R8R
Portal-Administrator

Blonde-mode on:

Nr. 28: Gee, I haven't expected that! What a surprise! I wonder what I could do with that.......

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one
black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery
when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to
the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything--
the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw
was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why
are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig
up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm
inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last
night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab
said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why
are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, postboxes, what ever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just
couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping
away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

SWAT_OP-R8R
Portal-Administrator

eeeeeeeeeeew!!

Just bringin up an old thread...

What did Jane the lesbian frog say to Christine the other lesbian frog while Jane was lickin Christine?

MMMMmmm, it really DOES taste like chicken!

One day, a blonde walked in to a hardware store and asked the clerk for a really good chainsaw that could get 25 trees or so down in a day. So, the clerk says ok and leads to the chainsaw that could do it, and she pays for it and leaves.

The next day, the blonde comes back and says, "HEY!, this stupid piece of junk chainsaw could only get a small tree down yesterday, what's up?" She gives it to the clerk and he says, "Alright, let's see..." He starts it up and the blonde says, "Hey, what's that noise?"

Haow many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

15, 1 to hold the bulb and 14 to drink whiskey until the room spins.

A and B sat on a tree. A fell down B dissapeared, what left on the tree?

Of course ''and''

The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Walter Smith is standing at the pearly gates waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through his Big Book to see if Walter is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to him: "You know, Walter, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, then again, it appears that you never did anything really bad either. Tell you what I'll do, if you can tell me of just one REALLY good deed that you did during your lifetime, you're in."

Walter thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a large group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor young girl. I slowed down to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

"Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron from the trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

"So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them and say: 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all just a bunch of sick, sex crazed, deranged animals! Go home before I have to teach all of you lesson in real pain!'"

St. Peter, quite impressed, says: "Really? That's absolutely wonderful of you! Now when did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

Things you would never know without the movies:

• All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555...
  

  
  

• The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love...
  

  
  

• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  

  
  

• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty...
  

  
  

• When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons...
  

  
  

• Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement...
  

  
  

• Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
  

  
  

• Kitchens don't have light switches. At night, open the fridge door and use that light instead...
  

  
  

• When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear...
  

  
  

• Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely...
  

  
  

• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant...
  

  
  

• A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness...
  

  
  

• Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident...
  

  
  

• If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 23.

And to revive this oldie here a bad joke:

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent feat. Nickelback

told you it´s gonna be a bad one

ya... you warned us.

OMG LOOK AT ALL THE BG VETERANS

NOSTALGIA TO THE MAAAAAAAAAXXXX

What's the difference between light and hard?

A man can sleep with a light on.

lol

WARNING: This is pretty sick.

It was pub quiz night, and one team found themselves a man short. They asked a man at the bar in overalls if he'd like to join them, and he accepted.

He turned out to be very knowledgeable and pretty much won the quiz by himself.

Afterwards, the others asked him; "What do you do for a living?" and he said; "I'm a plumber, but I used to be a Gynecologist."

"Why would you give that up? It must pay better, and it must be less hours."

"It was, but women would only come to see me if they were old or infected."

"It can't have been that bad."

"Ever pulled apart a grilled cheese sandwich?"

Don't say you weren't warned.