New Jokes

There are 67 replies in this Thread. The last Post () by Night-Hunter.

    Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to quickly hire a new nurse. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.
    "Why, we just hired her?"
    "Well, I think she is dyslexic and get thing backward. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hours, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him.
    I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours
    and she gave her twelve in one hour."
    The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor asked.
    "To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil!"

    haha funny :D

    "Where is the Horse and the Rider?
    Where is the Horn that was blown?
    It has passed like rain on the mountains,
    like wind in the meadows


    The days have gone down in the west,
    Behind the hills to shadow"
    [SIZE=1]JRR Tolkien[/SIZE]

    A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, DC, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual. He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the holdup?"


    The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qa'ida, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."


    The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"


    The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.

    lol - thats who i like it hehe


    burn motherfucker burn



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    Only dead fish swim with the stream.
    Don't discuss with idiots. They only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience there.


    This is ten percent luck,
    Twenty percent skill,
    Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
    Five percent pleasure,
    Fifty percent pain,
    And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."


    She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."


    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."


    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:


    #1, you have to be single and


    #2, you must be Catholic."


    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single; and I'm Catholic too!"


    "OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."


    He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.


    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


    "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"


    "Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."


    The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."

    An irishmans walks into a pet and says to the shopkeeper "have you got any wasps for sale"


    "Im sorry", says the shopkeeper "but this is a pet shop and we do not sell wasps in here."


    The irishman replies "well thats funny you had two in the window yesterday" ?(


    6:19 aka Lonewolf
    When am I going to get some BACKUP!

    A guy walks into a drug store in America and asks for a pack of condoms. 'That'll be $5 with the tax,' says the shopkeeper.
    'Tacks?' the guy exclaims, 'I thought you rolled them on!'




    Btw - N1 @6 :D

    Well i was walking though the local shopping centre the other day and could not believe what I saw. This blind man was throwing his guide dog round and round his head, well the poor thing looked like it was about to die.I had to say something to him, with the amount of time and charity money it takes to train these lovely dogs to help blind people lead a normal life. As i aproached him, trying to dodge the poor hound i called out ,"hey mister, what the hell are you doing, your going to kill the poor dog, put it down now, your a disgrace.
    At this the blind man replied "Its ok there trained for this, im just looking around.
    Well i thought the things they can get dogs can do these days is amazing ;)



    Sounds very painful to me@par


    6:19 aka Lonewolf
    When am I going to get some BACKUP!

    A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.


    Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"


    "Reading my book," she replies.


    "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.


    "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"


    "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."


    "If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the iretated woman.


    "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.


    "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."




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    Only dead fish swim with the stream.
    Don't discuss with idiots. They only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience there.


    This is ten percent luck,
    Twenty percent skill,
    Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
    Five percent pleasure,
    Fifty percent pain,
    And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

    hehehe!! need to adapt that to fit a more hated authority figure...say...traffic wardens? ;)


    sry if any of u ARE traffic wardens lol

    A man walks into a bar acting really weird. He sits down and the man next to him asks, "What's wrong buddy?"
    The man replied, "I've been blowing chunks all night!"
    The man next to him replies, "Well that's not that bad, you just had too much to drink."
    The man then said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

    A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...
    FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
    So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
    The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
    The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
    He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
    The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

    Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck." It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories. ~ It can be used as a verb both transitive (Jim fucked Lauren) and intransitive (Lauren was Fucked by Jim). It can be an action verb (Jim really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Lauren really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Lauren is fucking interested in Jim), or as a noun (Lauren is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Lauren). It can even be used as a conjunction (Lauren is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see there are very words with the overall versitility of the word fuck. Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:
    1. Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"
    2. Fraud..............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
    3. Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!"
    4. Trouble............."I guess I'm fucked now."
    5. Agression........."FUCK YOU!"
    6. Disgust................"Fuck me."
    7. Confusion............." What the fuck....?"
    8. Displeasure............"Fucking shit man..."
    9. Lost........................"where the fuck are we?"
    10.Disbelief.............."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
    11.Retaliation............."Up your fucking ass!"
    12.Apathy................."Who really gives a fuck?"
    13.Suspicion............."Who the fuck are you?"
    14.Directions.............."Fuck off."
    15. Pleasure................ "She was the greatest fuck ever!"
    ~It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!"
    ~It can be used to tell time......." It's four fucking twenty!"
    ~It can be used as an anatomical description............."He's a fucking asshole."


    Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
    "What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshema~
    "Thats not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
    "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
    "Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
    "Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
    "Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~Albert Einstein~
    "It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
    "You want what on the fucking celiling?" ~Michaelangelo~
    "Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~
    "Houston we Have a big fucking problem." ~The crew of Apollo 13~

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    Only dead fish swim with the stream.
    Don't discuss with idiots. They only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience there.


    This is ten percent luck,
    Twenty percent skill,
    Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
    Five percent pleasure,
    Fifty percent pain,
    And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

    There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest. After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unfazed, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in.
    Upon which seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the bathroom. An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left. Upon seeing the other piece of tarmac, he is asked why he ran off. To this he replies "Haven't you heard about him?, He's a CYCLE-PATH !!!!!!"[726]

    An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold,blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did,and her hands warmed up.


    The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."


    The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter.
    He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.


    The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."


    The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother,
    "Have you ever heard of a penis ?? The slightly concerned mother says,
    "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"





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    Only dead fish swim with the stream.
    Don't discuss with idiots. They only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience there.


    This is ten percent luck,
    Twenty percent skill,
    Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
    Five percent pleasure,
    Fifty percent pain,
    And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!