Funny joke

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks
Walk to bathroom, wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups, leg lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash rest of entire body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Now rinse conditioner out of hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with a towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Check entire body for zits.
Tweeze unwanted hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing the long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see the wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener , scratch your butt, then fart.
Get in the shower. Wash your face, then wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair, making a shampoo mohawk.
Laugh while peeing in the shower.
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Partially dry yourself off.
Fail to notice the puddle of water on the floor.
Admire wiener "again" in the mirror.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on the floor, the light and fan on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass the wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
"woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Fart "real loud", then start to get dressed.

yuck!!!

Sentence structure is VERY important!!

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people:
Mary Johnson or Jack Mc Donald.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said,
"Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

Smart Old Biker

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs

"Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one, last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my fath er-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Bear in a Bar:

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs.."

..........You're gonna love this........

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

hihihi

***

Blonde Cruise Ship Diary

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a Luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today.
Got sunburnt, and went inside to drink at piano-bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me,
he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice.

***

Harley Biker

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning
into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries
to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave
thing I saw a man do in my whole life.."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted accordingly. Right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page....
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. . Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his deed, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Thanks, Mellon...

Are you talking about having fun online like this:

That pic was taken just 2 minutes after i taxed a player in Alpha which reloaded several times even after i told him not to, then docked and logged of.

Frigging fun that is.

PS: This is in the joke thread by purpose.