Funny joke

Three Ducks

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court.
The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles."
The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question.
"Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."

Poor Bubbles... LOL!

[BLINK] Women Superiority [/BLINK]

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxi's stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.

If we're not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.

It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.

We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Additional note: If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.

David Beckham

David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'

Its the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. Pondering the situation, he asks his Father, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"

Q: What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
A: A: They are both f***ing useless singers.

Sportsman's Double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and talked awhile, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

rofl

The Rules of Monster Movies

Here are some things I've learned from Godzilla, Gamera, Star Wars, etc.

-Any animal which isn't a human will grow 50 times its size when exposed to some sort of radiation.

-If some exotic pet escapes from its cage, it will likewise grow to immense proportions.

-No matter what city you're in, the streets are always wide enough so that giant monsters could walk on it.

-Many monsters, even machines, are somehow depicted in ancient myths.

-It takes only a few seconds to pick a name for an unknown giant monster.

-If a monster is evil, it has enough energy to spout an infinite number of energy beams from its mouth. If it's a good guy, it can only shoot at most 2 energy beams before it nearly collapses of exhaustion.

-A monster's energy beam can effortlessly destroy a huge, heavily armored robot, but takes 5 seconds to shoot through buildings.

-No matter where you are, there's always a clearing big enough for almost a dozen monster to rumble in.

-Giant flowers are always a problem. They'll either blow up in a mile wide explosion, or they'll mutate into vine-whipping, acid-spitting atrocities.

-It takes all the electricity in a city to power a handful of tanks.

-The power of a missle is inversly proportional to how much you talk about its "capabilities".

-Aliens wear pimped out jackets and know martial arts.

-If there's an object you need to destroy quickly, it will always have a near-inpenetrable energy sheild.

-When you see an ordinary building and its name pops up in the subtitles, the building will be destroyed in about 15 minutes.

-When fighting monsters, the infantry soldiers always carry machine guns.

-If you have a strange looking lightsaber, you are one of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy.

-Tiny spaceships never get destroyed. Huge kilometer-wide starships will be destroyed in a matter of minutes.

-A pistol is enough to kill a horde of man-sized creatures.

-Anything with wings or an extra body cavity can fly.

-People will always leave their homes with the lights on.

-Monsters can stand knee-high in the middle of the sea.

-In order to swim, monsters only need to bob their bodies up and down.

-A big drill can pierce right through armor. Nuclear beams can't.

-Red energy beams are hotter and more powerful than blue or white beams.

-Any monster which has more than one energy beam will be nearly impossible to kill.

-A shell can withstand energy beams but not missles.

-No matter what, the hot female character will always hang out with the ugly geek.

-Global warming doesn't melt ice caps or change the weather. It instead causes giant eggs to hatch or animals to go crazy.

-Any attack that has a whirly sound effect will hurt like crap.

-Flimsy towers can easily support giant insects or birds.

-Energy beams can be shot from the mouth, eyes, hands, nose, chest, knees, and wings.

-If someone constructs a weapon but accidentally shoots it at the "good guy" monster, it will prove lethal.

-If you have wings or more than one head, it takes over 3 monsters to beat you, and over 11 monsters to actually kill you.

-All military facilities have a screen which shows a perfect picture of the attacking monsters.

-Repairing a heavily damaged, 40 story robot takes a week.

17 birthday

Girl #1: So when was your first kiss?
Girl #2: My 17th birthday.
Girl #1: How about your first time making out?
Girl #2: Also my 17th birthday.
Girl #1: ...first b......b?
Girl #2: This is awkward. 17th birthday, again.
Girl #1: How about when you lost your virginity?
Girl #2: 17th.
Girl #1: How about the first time you --
Girl #2: I know what you're about to ask, and the answer is "my 17th birthday" again.
Girl #1: God damn! What the hell did you do for your 18th birthday?

Really,what

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

Draga LOL

This man was with a prostitute. They tried to have sex but he said OUCH that hurts!!!
She said one moment please and left to the bathroom.
She came back and they started again.
He said that was amazing good; what did you do?
She said "I picked out the scabs"

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the activity's for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't talk very well but she could write notes fairly well when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her and straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma, you're looking good, how are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

my friends think this is dumb but here it goes
--------------------------------------------------------------
a telemarketer calls a house and a little boy picks up

Little Boy:[SIZE=1]Hello?[/SIZE]
Telemarketer: hello, is your mommy home?
Little Boy:[Size=1] No, she's busy.[/size]
Telemarketer: oookaaaayy, is your Dad home?
Little Boy: [Size=1] No, he's busy as well.[/size]

A little fed up with the kid the telemarketer replies...

Telemarketer: Okay, is there anyone else
Little Boy: [size=1]yes, a fireman.[/size]
Telemarketer: A fireman! can i speak to him?
Little boy:[size=1]no, he busy too.[/size]

completely and totally had it with the child the Telemarketer is fuming at the little boy

Telemarketer: Listen kid, why the heck are your mommy and daddy and the fireman busy?

the little boy pauses and thinks for minute and replies...

Little Boy [size=1]Looking for me[/size]

Good one.
A woman goes to the doctors, and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a bit of a problem. I’ll have to take my clothes off to show you.” The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.

She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. “Well, what is it?” he asks.

“It’s a bit embarrassing,” she replies, “These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.”

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, “Have you been having an affair with a guy with two ear-rings?”

The woman blushes and says, “Well, actually I have.”

“That’s the problem,” the doctor says, “Tell him his ear-rings aren’t made of gold!!!”

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have intercourse with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

How To Bathe A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any vulnerable surface they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

JOB DONE!

meh, women can mind control us

rofl

Quote

Originally posted by lucy in the sky
arrrgghh, poor kitten

Lol,my wife is agreed with ya,and she tells me something else too.So,drop the idea,it was bad one.
Here is ur little kitten,he dont like also that way of bathing,actually he don,t like any way of bathing obviously.