Funny joke

[SIZE=3]Annoy People at the computer lab[/SIZE]

• Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
  

  
  

• Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different monitor than the one it's set up with.
  

  
  

• Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
  

  
  

• Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
  

  
  

• If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
  

  
  

• Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.
  

  
  

• Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
  

  
  

• Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
  

  
  

• Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
  

  
  

• Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
  

  
  

• When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

I lol'd

Wuhahaha,this one is goood Lucy!!

Lucy`s dirty-mindness never ceases to amaze me... And i LLLike it!

Plastic surgery!!

A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.

One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.

She said "I can't believe you did this for me."

Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."

But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.

With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We`ll never forget you!'

Muhahahahaha,i newer hear this one.

Well,this joke which i find is not really funny,but the funny thing is that i doing same thing with the corn on ur border,s some time ago!! So,obviously i,m not the one who invented the hot water!!

Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

I knew a similar one in my native language... but it involved cow shit & carts...

What Exactly Is Marriage?

Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, Age 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, Age 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, Age 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, Age 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.

"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, Age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, Age 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, Age 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, Age 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, Age 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, Age 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, Age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, Age 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, Age 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, Age 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, Age 7

But always keep in mind boys..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0

Seven indications, that Disney`s ''Vinnie the Pooh'' is a drug abuse propaganda:

1. Ia the Donkey - Slowed reaction, lack of motivation & doesn`t give shit about anything (Weed)
2. Pig - Allways affraid of something, allways thinks something is following him (Magic Mushrooms aka ''Shrooms")
3. Rabbit - Allways sticks his nose everywhere, needs everything (Cocaine)
4. Tigger - Allways moving, can`t sit quiet even for a minute, never exhausted (Extacy)
5. Christopher Robin - can talk with animals (halucinogenig stuff)
6. Vinnie the Pooh - Likes sweets, unlimited imagination (LSD)
7. Owl - Allways comes to help if someone has ''problems'' (Dealer)

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I'm never gonna watch a Disney production again

Cannibal Family

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Bush calls for his chief General:
Bush: ''Have any of our ships sunken today?''
General: ''No, Mister President''
Bush: ''Very well. You may leave.''
General leaves, Bush picks up phone:
''Hey Vlad? A4 - missed!''

In the classroom of the sixth year ...

The teacher asked to the class:
- What is the part of the human body that increases almost ten times its size when stimulated?
No one answered, until Natasha stood up, angry, and said:
- You should not ask this kind of question for those children in 6th class. I will tell my parents, and they will talk to the director, and he will dismiss you, based on SCA (Statute of the Child and Adolescent)! And the Guardianship Councils will call you to get arrested!
For Natasha's amazement, the teacher not only ignored her as did the question again.
- What is the part of the body which increases by ten times its size when stimulated? Anyone knows?
Finally, Rodrigo got up, looked around and said:
The part of the body that increases ten times its size when stimulated is the pupil.
The teacher said: - Well done, Rodrigo!
Then teacher turned around to Natasha and said:
- What about you, girl, I have three things to say:

1st: you have a very dirty mind for your age;
2nd: you didnt read your lesson from home;
and the 3rd: ... TEN TIMES??!! Ah ah ah ah! I also wanted. One day you will get much, but muuuuch disappointed, did you heard little girl?

Divert your course!!

This is the actual radio conversation of US naval ship wit Canadian authorities of the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.Radio conversation released by the chief of Naval Operations.

Canadians:Please divert ur course 15 degrees to south to avoid collision!

Americans:Recommended u divert ur course 15 degrees to north to avoid collision!

Canadians:Negative,u will have to divert ur course 15 degrees to south to avoid collision!

Americans:This is the captain of US Navy ship.I say again,divert ur course!!

Canadians:No,i say again,u divert ur course!!

Americans:This is the aircraft carrier US Lincoln the second largest ship in United States Atlantic fleet!We are accompanied wit three Destroyers,three Cruisers and numerous support vessels.I DEMAND that you change ur course 15 dg north!I say again,its one ' five degrees north or Counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

[GLOW=red]Canadians:Lool,this is the lighthouse.Ur call. [/GLOW]