New Jokes

There are 67 replies in this Thread. The last Post () by Night-Hunter.

    An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village...


    Aussie: "G'day Mate! Nice dog, mind if I speak with him?"


    Farmer: "Don't be stupid, the dog doesn't talk"


    Aussie: "hello dog, how's it going mate?"


    Dog: "Doin' all right."


    The farmer is astonished.


    Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?"


    Dog: "Yep"


    Aussie: "How does he treat you?"


    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
    takes me to the lake once a week to play."


    The farmer is in utter disbelief.


    Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"


    Farmer: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I don't think."


    Aussie: "Hey horse, how's it going?"


    Horse: "Cool"


    Aussie: "Is this your owner?"


    Horse: "Yep"


    Aussie: "How does he treat you?"


    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down
    often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."


    The Farmer staggers back in amazement.


    Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"


    Farmer: "The sheep's a f***in' liar."

    LOOOOL



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    Only dead fish swim with the stream.
    Don't discuss with idiots. They only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience there.


    This is ten percent luck,
    Twenty percent skill,
    Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
    Five percent pleasure,
    Fifty percent pain,
    And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

    Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong."Well," replies Paul. "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got very excited everytime I saw her?" "yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
    Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
    "That's great!" say Jeff. "When are you going out?"


    "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get stimulated again. So I got some duct tape and taped my privates to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff.


    "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
    "And what happened then?"


    (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

    a short joke ^-^




    "Mom, today is my birthday and im 14 years old... may I wear a bra now?"


    "No, Peter"



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    Only dead fish swim with the stream.
    Don't discuss with idiots. They only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience there.


    This is ten percent luck,
    Twenty percent skill,
    Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
    Five percent pleasure,
    Fifty percent pain,
    And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

    similar to the last is that one...


    "Mom, can i wear a bikini next summer????"
    "No, Carl!"


    or that one..


    "Mom, we had a line Cocain during playing Counterstrike..."
    WHAT?? You play CS??" :D


    There are only 10 kind of people, those who understand binary and those, who don´t

    I wish, i had a shilling for every senseless killing

    Could CS be fun? No - would be cheating :D
    Making 4 Frags in UT is called "Ultrakill", in Q3A "Excellent" and in CS "kicked by console"

    A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman


    "Give me six double vodkas."


    The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."


    "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."


    The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.


    When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,


    I've just found out that my


    younger brother is gay too!"


    On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double


    vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like


    women?" "Yeah, my sister..."


    whoa - lol


    (if this sister decides to make a movie ... call me ^-^)



    SWAT_OP-R8R
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    Only dead fish swim with the stream.
    Don't discuss with idiots. They only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience there.


    This is ten percent luck,
    Twenty percent skill,
    Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
    Five percent pleasure,
    Fifty percent pain,
    And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

    OK... now some bad ones.. :->



    whats a GTF lies bleeding on the floor....
    .
    not enough Aim-skill :D



    and what´s to do when a GTF lies bleeding on the floor?
    .
    stop laughing and reload... :evil:


    There are only 10 kind of people, those who understand binary and those, who don´t

    I wish, i had a shilling for every senseless killing

    Could CS be fun? No - would be cheating :D
    Making 4 Frags in UT is called "Ultrakill", in Q3A "Excellent" and in CS "kicked by console"

    i also have a good GTF-joke



    A GTF said: "Hey, im a good player" ^_^




    ...to b continued


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    Only dead fish swim with the stream.
    Don't discuss with idiots. They only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience there.


    This is ten percent luck,
    Twenty percent skill,
    Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
    Five percent pleasure,
    Fifty percent pain,
    And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

    Once upon a time there lived a king.
    The king had a beautiful daughter,
    the princess. But there was a problem.
    Everything the princess touched would melt.
    No matter what;
    metal,
    wood,
    stone,
    anything she touched would melt.
    Because of this, men were afraid of her.
    Nobody would dare marry her.
    The king despaired.
    What could he do to help his daughter?
    He consulted his wizards and magicians.
    One wizard told the king,
    "If your daughter touches one thing
    that does not melt in her hands,
    she will be cured."


    The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.



    The next day,
    he held a competition.
    Any man that could bring his daughter an
    object that would not melt would marry her
    and inherit the king's wealth.
    Three young princes took up the challenge.
    The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.



    But alas,
    once the princess touched it,
    it melted.
    The prince went away sadly.


    ..........................................
    The second prince brought diamonds.



    He thought diamonds are the hardest substance
    in the world and would not melt.
    But alas,
    once the princess touched them,
    they melted.
    He too was sent away disappointed.



    .........................................
    The third prince approached.
    He told the princess,
    "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what
    is in there."
    The princess did as she was told,
    though she turned red.



    She felt something hard.
    She held it in her hand.



    And it did not melt!!!
    The king was overjoyed.
    Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
    And the third prince married the princess
    and they both lived happily ever after.



    Question:
    What was in the prince's pants?



    (Scroll down for the answer)

























    M&M's of course.
    They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.


    What were you thinking you pervert?

    Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.


    The girl came up to him and asked:
    "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"


    "A little bird," the guy replied.


    The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.


    When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. The last thing I remember was that I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."


    Police went back to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"


    After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the little bird he had hidden under his newspaper and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."


    LOL really funni

    "Where is the Horse and the Rider?
    Where is the Horn that was blown?
    It has passed like rain on the mountains,
    like wind in the meadows


    The days have gone down in the west,
    Behind the hills to shadow"
    [SIZE=1]JRR Tolkien[/SIZE]

    This ones pretty crappy but hey
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    It was Bob's 60th Birthday and he was feeling really chuffed with himself. He went out on his usual morning walk to get a couple of things for the house. First he went to the Post Office to get some stamps.
    "Morning", he said, "6 First Class Stamps Please",
    "1 pound 50 said the cashier" said the cashier.
    Bob then said "Its my birthday today, how old do you think I am?", and the cashier said "Mmmm looking at you I'd say your about 55", "Nope!" Exclamed Bob, "I'm 60", and the cashier shook his hand and said "Well done".
    Bob then went over the road to the butchers and said
    "I'll have a pound of beef please", and as he handed over the money he said " Its my birthday today, how old do you think I am?" The butcher said
    "I'll reckon your about 50", Bob was amazed at this and said "Thanks! But Im really only 60". The butcher was astonised at this and congratulated him.
    Bob then went to the bus stop to get the 69 Bus home, and an old lady was waiting there. Bob looked over at her and realised it would be a good time to show off. He walked over and asked her
    "Hello sweetheart, its my birthday today how old do you think I am?"
    The old women smiled and said "Let me see", and at that instant she put her hand down Bobs trousers and grabbed his genitals as hard as she could. Bob was in pain but didnt really mind because she was pretty good looking for an old lady.
    "So how old?" he asked.
    "60" she replied.
    Bob was in a state of confusion
    "How could you tell how old I was by grabbing my genitals?"
    She grinned and said "I was in the queue behind you in the butchers!"

    "Where is the Horse and the Rider?
    Where is the Horn that was blown?
    It has passed like rain on the mountains,
    like wind in the meadows


    The days have gone down in the west,
    Behind the hills to shadow"
    [SIZE=1]JRR Tolkien[/SIZE]

    lol



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    Only dead fish swim with the stream.
    Don't discuss with idiots. They only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience there.


    This is ten percent luck,
    Twenty percent skill,
    Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
    Five percent pleasure,
    Fifty percent pain,
    And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!