dude she smacked his face and pulled his ears because she wanted its penis to grow bigger and wider
Funny joke
- *Iceman*
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There are 344 replies in this Thread. The last Post () by SWAT_OP-R8R.
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I meant about the last smack of that old pair... smacked until the bushes lol
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A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumuor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'Sorry Guys but the devil made me do it
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OUCH!!!!
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Q: Why is it so hard to find an intelligent, good looking & sensitive man?
A: Most of them allready have boyfriends...
(Sry... my mom made me do it xD) -
The Husband Store
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights".
You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
"You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store".
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
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An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."
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ouch!!!
This one here doesn't belong to the jokes-section, because - according to at least 10 women (including me) - it is the total, easy to understand truth about female communication. Now don't you ever tell me again we're so difficult to understand:
What Women say , and what they Actually mean
ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.
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FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.
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FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
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NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".
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GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
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GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
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LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".
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SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.
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THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
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PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
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THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".
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THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing". -
loooool
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the most scary thing is that you can translate it to spanish word by word and it will still have the same exact meaning...
...women speak the same language everywhere
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yep. although me, i wouldn't call it scary. but i'm biased. heavily so.
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What is six inches long with a head on it, that women like to blow? -> MONEY
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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano Player Wanted," so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender's ever heard.
"That was amazing" exclaims the bartender. "What was that called?"
"That was something I like to call 'A Weasel Ate My Genitals.'"
"Oh. You know anything else?"
The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called.
"It's called 'Crap In My Mouth, I Love It.'"
"Okay," says the bartender. "You can have the job. Just as long as you don't tell anyone the names of the songs."
So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs. One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him.
"Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?"
"Know it, pal?" says the piano player. "I wrote it!"
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umm, i don't get those two ...
Came upon this recently and couldn't help but think "if only i had known that 10 years ago...."
A Guide for the Girls to help understand "Them" more
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Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
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Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!
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Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
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Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
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Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
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Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
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We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
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Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
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Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
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Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
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A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
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Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
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If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
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If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
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If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
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Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
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You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
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Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
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Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
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The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
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ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
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If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
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We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
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If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
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If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
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Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
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Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
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BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
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Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping. -
And again, the above statements are completely true
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A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the restaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.
Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Betty and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Betty's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.
The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"
Al says, "I'm waiting for Betty's legs to open so I can get a drink."
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lol
The Duck Hunter
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the number four birdshot.'
'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'
'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly,' answered the doctor. ' She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.'
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hehehe
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An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.
The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you.
The gay guy said, Okay.
So she said, Take my shoes off, so he did.
She said, Take my stockings off, so he did.
Then she said, Take my dress off, and he did.
She said, Take my bra off, so he did.
Then she said, Take my panties off, so he did.
Finally, she said, You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired.
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lol If they were "young" instead of old, I bet the ending would be different
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not likely to happen a lot between a gay and a woman (or that gay is not gay)
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A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.
As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.
But I'm not pregnant, she says.
Well, you're not out of the ditch yet, he says.
