Funny shit

wats the meaning of the word

snide????

throw a brick thru a window of a OAPs house and ask for it

bak

LOL!

i have another one that my not very nice m8 told me and its not nice

[32] [39]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk

with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem,

my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What

should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I

will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific

times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the

following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work.

"And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs.

Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with

the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones

nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the

congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was

stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long,

Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he

picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as

signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And

what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her

husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break

it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the

congregation.

this ones great...

Three men who were lost in the forest

were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live

if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten

pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather

fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The

king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without

any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but

on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived

and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to

himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth

berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met

in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with

pineapples."

lol another good one

Coming into the bar and ordering a double,

the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh

yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman

who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and

we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So

I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not

what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into

the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And

damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to

listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his

condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn,

that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really

pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their

toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head

!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah,

yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?

When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

ONE

MORE

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with

her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well,

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the

pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells

the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the

pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it

being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my

parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where

the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20

minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I

had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no

idea your father was
a pharmacist."

nice 1)