Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Funny joke
- *Iceman*
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A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."
The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!" -
More from the "How to Understand Women"-department.
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.
This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.
A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a
women can make to a man.That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint.
Just say you're welcome.
(I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says
'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.
This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to # 3. -
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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:
1. Change riders.
2. Buy a stronger whip.
3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".
4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.
6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse.
7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.
8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.
10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".
11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.
12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.
14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
--------------------------
The difference between Men & Women!
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M & S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.---------------
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.------------------
What a woman says:
C'mon... This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.What a man hears:
C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah,
NOW -
Roses and Hanging Baskets
A teenage granddaughter
Comes downstairs for her date
With this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
Telling her not to dare go out like that!The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
And out she goes.The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
That she has friends coming over
And that it is just not appropriate....The grandmother says,
'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
Then I can display my hanging baskets. -
lol
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Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing, lazy so-and-so's!Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendent
See if that works any better than a fair trial!War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right? -
The best comeback line
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a burglary trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several streets away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
***
Don't fool with an old dog
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
***
3 dead italian nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that
name just doesn't ring a bell."The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!
-
The Italian altar boy
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads...'
-
Son Of A Bitch Fish!!
The parish priest went on a fishing trip.On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'
'Son, I' m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'
'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'
'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'
'Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!'Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'
'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
'What are you doing Sister?'
'Father wants m e to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner'
'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'
'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,
and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
A big smile crept across his face as he said,'You fuckers are my kind of people!'
-
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fartHe said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have timeHe said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge -
It was the mail man's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." -
rofl
F***enfreude und Schadenhorny, two inexistent German words that should be brought alive
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An expat Aussie is hanging out in his favourite bar in Phuket thinking about his wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly tourist. He asks the bartender about her and is not surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, thinking he has to get a piece of action but being an Aussie expat he's a bit bashful, does nothing and goes home frustrated.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough, she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."
"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs.."
"How much is that, then?" "$500."
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 storey apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He faints. Twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street.
"You see every bar and building in this street..."
"Aw, c'mon! You can't be serious!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own the fucking lot!" -
looool
***
Heaven:
The police are British
The cooks are French
The engineers are German
The administrators are Swiss
The lovers are ItalianHell:
The police are German
The cooks are British
The engineers are Italian
The administrators are French
The lovers are Swiss***
New version:
Technology Heaven:
Intel runs the management. Apple does the design and construction. Microsoft does the marketing. IBM provides the support. Gateway sets the price.Technology Hell:
Apple runs the management. Microsoft does design and construction. IBM does the marketing. Gateway provides the support. Intel sets the price.Or.
Technology Hell:
Microsoft does everything.Disclaimer:
This joke is not meant to be offensive to Italians, French, Germans, British, Swiss, Intel, Apple, Microsoft, IBM, Gateway, lovers, cooks, mechanics, police, government employees, managers, designers, marketers, tech support, and whoever sets pricing. Most of all, it wasnt meant to be offensive to heaven and hell.
That should cover just about everybody. -
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" -
The Mama Test
I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter.
She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Mama, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All moms know this stuff... It's on the Mama Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mama.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'
'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.
-
"yo anne frank, i'm gonna let you finish but joseph fritzl had one of the best hiding places ever!"
