I generally don't listen to my teachers, parents sometimes
Besides ive had that experience quite often
Funny joke
- *Iceman*
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There are 344 replies in this Thread. The last Post () by SWAT_OP-R8R.
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Thank God I do not have a cat.
Lucy had a good joke.
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Flying Blonde
The plane is on its way to Houston , when a blonde in economy class gets up
and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will
have to sit back in her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston , and
I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the
co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in
economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston , and
I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm
sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.
He replies, "I told her, `First class isn't going to Houston .'"
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HAHAHA
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You can see she's Blonde... ROFL LOL
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Nice Jokes daDraga.
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Why Men Are Like Computers
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matterWhat Men Mean (Little guide for Lady freelancers)
Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass
I'm a Romantic = I'm poor
I need you" = My hand is tired
I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised
I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation
You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected meIreally want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it
It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head
She's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me
I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good
Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood
How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small
I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you
Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later
How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now
I have something to tell you = Get tested
I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again
I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk
I think we should just be friends = You're ugly
I've learned a lot from you = Next -
Don't Take Your Husband to Walmart
Why you shouldn't take your menfolk shopping
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.1.June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.11. October 3:My Favorite
Darted around the store, suspiciously, while loudly humming theMission Impossible' theme ..12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME!14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'And last, but not least...
15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!' -
Quiz master to Non: "Who was the first man?"
Non: "Oh, that's easy: ADAM!"
Quiz master: "Who was made from Adam's rib?"
Non: "Oh, that's easy: EVA!"
Quiz master: "What did she say when she saw him?"
Non: "Oh, that's a hard thing..." -
Little Ralphy's Thinking
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little Ralphy says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
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English language is so difficult here is why'!!
Now there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP”.
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning towards the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awake in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean
UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so………… Time to shut UP…..!
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[SIZE=3]Smart Duck[/SIZE]
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?" -
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
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Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!" Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? - Here it comes."
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Guidelines for American Tourists
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.
A Word of Warning
The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.15 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Myrtle Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck.
credit to Beowulf
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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"###
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.
They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off...
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work...
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed.
"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES...###
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose.
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey - this one here looks like yours!'"###
A newly-wed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'"
The men would ask, "'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.' -
Quote
Original above!!
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Ten Best Ways to Get Out of Work1.# Hire a cube double to fill in for you. If he/she's not a perfect match, have the double wear extensive bandages, and claim you had issues with the grill over the weekend.
2.Give your computer a virus. (We're talking a computer virus. We don't recommend being intimate with your PC.)
3.Flash a finger at the sweating guy on the Harley in the next lane. Call in and share that you were the victim of road rage on the way to work.
4.Lecture each day--for at least an hour--on how fantastic an idea the Electoral College is. Trust us, they'll be relieved when you don't show up the next day. (Disclaimer: this may result in termination or a 'whooping.')
5.Break some minor laws, then challenge the police to a high-speed chase. Nobody can expect you to work from a jail cell.
6.Call in to announce that your laxatives finally kicked in and that you won't be able leave the bathroom all day.
7.Donate your work clothes to charity. Better yet, tell your boss that all of your work clothes were at the cleaners...which burned down. .
8.Feed your dog the car keys. Wrap them in slices of American cheese if he/she is reluctant to swallow them.
9.Cut your finger on the latest inspirational poster, requiring a cozy stay at the hospital. (Remember: "no pain, no gain.") .
10.Stay home without letting anyone at the office know where you are. If anyone calls looking for you, answer the phone in a bad Italian accent and say, "Luigi's pizza! Will this be delivery or carry out?"
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Quote
Originally posted by daDraga
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"Isn't that just a copy of that last joke in my post right above yours?
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One day, I looked up in the sky.
A bird came by and shit into my eye.
I didn't laugh. I didn't cry.
I was just happy, that cows can't fly. -
QuoteDisplay More
Originally posted by DC_Hägar
Isn't that just a copy of that last joke in my post right above yours?
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One day, I looked up in the sky.
A bird came by and shit into my eye.
I didn't laugh. I didn't cry.
I was just happy, that cows can't fly. No,its not,i,m copying it from other site.Lol,i,m always in rush,sry again.The second one since i,m come back.But it is good joke Joker not read jokes. [7]
Anyway,here is the other!Ten Things You Should Never Say During A JobInterview
Looking for a new job? Unfortunately, you'll probably have to interview for the position. Here are a few things to avoid in that stressful moment. (NOTE: Don't be stupid enough to actually try any of the items below, or you'll find yourself in jail, in the hospital, or, even worse, in the unemployment line!)
1. Oh, my criminal record? Well...if it helps, I didn't pull the trigger.
2. If it involves sitting around doing nothing, I'm your man!
3. Are you busy later? I know a great little Italian place. 4. Wait, you wanted someone with at least a high school diploma? Nevermind.
5. References? That may be a problem due to those stupid restraining orders.
6. Aren't you Rachel's dad? Man, she's one wild and crazy chica!
7. Do you mind if I light up?
8. Where do I see myself a year from now? Sitting in your chair, actually.
9. Sorry if I'm not up to par this morning...I still have a nasty hangover.
10. Before we start the interview, can I get an advance on my pay? My bookie's an impatient man.
