Funny joke

Don't get disgusted!!

Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
Then the Professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.

"Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people."

Some high leveled IRC chat,s!!

20:04 -!- Spaceboy [~c6749031@huwico.hu] has joined #huwico
20:04 < ircnet_gw> Hex2IP: c6749031 --> 198.116.144.49 --> nasans3.nasa.gov.
20:04 < Spaceboy> hi
20:05 < Spaceboy> is this the channel of hungarian wireless community?
20:05 < Z0l> yes
20:06 < szaboat> hi
20:07 < Spaceboy> i'm working at NASA, one of our sattelites picked up a transmission originated from Budapest, HUNGARY
20:07 < vili>
20:08 < Z0l>
20:08 < vili> our goal is world domination
20:08 < Spaceboy> if that is the case, i have to report this to international authorities
20:09 < Spaceboy> and by the way, your message 'Niggerek vagytok mind' never reach mars i'm sorry
20:09 < szaboat>

<+Opi_tanul> The life is hard like my tail!!
<Hunger> and short as well

[19:57:10] <@SlayerNoodle> miért vannak idegesitõ emberek(why is some people so annoying)
[19:57:11] <@SlayerNoodle> :DDDD
[19:57:15] <@Ledike> kih?(whom)
[19:57:23] <@SlayerNoodle> nme tom valamien lány(dunno,some girl)
[19:57:26] <@SlayerNoodle> myvipen(on myvip)
[19:57:29] <@Ledike> pf
[19:57:31] <@SlayerNoodle> asztmondja(she say)
[19:57:49] <@Ledike> ?
[19:57:52] <@SlayerNoodle> ha kell a telszámom hivj vagy küldj smst és megadom(if u need my phone num,call me or send me SMS)
#4325 +(320)- [X]

<nitrifik_> damn, I have to leave in 10. I haven't even eaten.
<mightyflo> irc is a cruel mistress
<nitrifik_> not as cruel as real mistresses.
<mightyflo> you get what you pay for

[09:26:10] <panki> bazze milyen jó érzés hogy szombat reggl nem vagyok hulla másnapos(how well feeling,i don,t have hungover at Saturday morning)
[09:28:21] <kosmoo> vasarnap van panki(it,s Sunday,Panki}

[19:31:22] <TCH> öcsémnél lefagyott a firefox(my brothers Firefox freezing up )
[19:31:23] <TCH> és erre írt a készítõknek( he wrote too maker)
[19:31:29] <TCH> hogy "lefagyott ez a szar"("this s..t freezeng up")
[19:31:44] <TCH> erre visszaírtak magyarul, hogy "na jó, de hogy fagyott le ez a szar?("they wrote back on Hungarian"Ok,but how freezing up that s..t")
[19:32:06] <TCH> szal fx-nél legalább support van(so,FX has support at least)

The GOLDEN YEARS POEM!!

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST,

I CANNOT SEE, I CANNOT PEE

I CANNOT CHEW, I CANNOT SCREW

MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS,

NO SENSE OF SMELL, I LOOK LIKE HELL,

MY BODY'S DROOPING, GOT TROBLE POOPING.

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST,

THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS

Guess my age!!
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

dirty minded granma!

How temperature affects the mind.

40 degrees:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees:
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees:
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees:
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees:
New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

-10 degrees:
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees:
Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees:
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

-297 degrees:
Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500 degrees:
Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup

Caring wife

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

Little Johnny Answers the Question

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married
for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her
eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them
off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor;
she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one
Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the
bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard,
liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she
pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied
the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs
in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in." :] :]

AGE of vagina :
16 - 19 Genuine
20 - 28 Service
29 - 36 Tune Up
37 - 45 Repair
46 - 55 Over haul
56 - 60 Under carriage
61 - 70 Totally Break down n buy new one!

The Ideal Man

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I? [6]

Satan Vs God

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you`re an engineer -- you`re in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how`s it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there`s no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You`ve got an engineer? That`s a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I`ll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" [3]

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

hmm,
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Some IRC wisdoms!!

@cripwalker> my girlfriend is so fucking cool.

@cripwalker> my girlfriend is so fucking cool.
<@cripwalker> we were arguing in IM last night about techtv being lame since g4 took over.
<@cripwalker> she thinks its better now that theres more "pretty" people on it.
<@cripwalker> that filter girl is, like, her idol.
<@cripwalker> anyway, i wasn't giving up. i really believe that channel to be a lost cause, now.
<@cripwalker> so she says to me "i'm gonna come over there and beat some sense in to you"
<@cripwalker> then she logs out.
<@cripwalker> about 10 minutes later, she pulls up in her car, runs into the house, walks in like she owns the damned place, and punches me hard as hell in the arm. no hello, or nothing.
<@cripwalker> then she leaves. didn't even say goodbye. i was totally speechless.
<@cripwalker> sure enough, 10 minutes later she logs back on.
<@cripwalker> she says "i knew you'd see things my way."
<@cripwalker> then she asks if she can come over to watch tv...
<@cripwalker> i'm sooo gonna marry her!

#30562

frank> can you help me install GTA3?
knightmare> first, shut down all programs you aren't using
* frank has quit IRC. (Quit)
knightmare> ...

#51570

fabz> I think we need to work on our communication.. one guy is talking crap, one just goes "lol" and the other one doesn't understand what's going on
atsleek> lol
Nefemus> what?

A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves. The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe. The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "So much for your fucking canoe!"