Funny shit

There are 56 replies in this Thread. The last Post () by SWAT_OP-R8R.

    A true story:



    Publisher Releases Guide to Kicking Cats
    July 25, 2002 -


    USA
    The 45 page colour instructional book entitled "Kicking Cats" guides men through the


    process of kicking cats down flights of stairs without repercussions from their spouse or


    girlfriends. "It isn't as easy as one would think to successfully do and get away with",


    comments author John Moore. "I was caught numerous times by my at the time girlfriends and


    eventually became determined to develop a fail-proof process. This book represents years of


    studying, practicing, research and an estimated 150 test cats. At first I was somewhat


    alarmed by my dislike for cats, when considering how much my girlfriends and ex-wife liked


    them. But after talking to scores of other men about my pent up feelings of anger towards


    cats, I realized I was far from alone. That is why the introduction goes into great detail


    about the history of cat kicking and some of the current theories on men's hatred of cats.


    The secret to a successful kick is to first befriend the cat, building its trust in you. It


    is when the cat is truly relaxed and comfortable around you that you can then angle it


    towards the stair case for a mighty punt."

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    Only dead fish swim with the stream.
    Don't discuss with idiots. They only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience there.


    This is ten percent luck,
    Twenty percent skill,
    Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
    Five percent pleasure,
    Fifty percent pain,
    And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

    i kick my mothers cat


    hehehehe


    i hate


    it


    and its name is "little bit"


    hehehe


    what a lame name


    [SIZE=4][mechs mind says [all hail bunny :D ][/SIZE]


    (\__/)
    (='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste bunny into your
    (" )_(" ) signature to help him gain world domination



    0
    /\
    II
    this is little moe help him do a military coup against bunny and take over his empire by posting him in ur pic

    little bit?


    it sounsd like a


    stripper who just found a man with a little bit.... hehe

    Your fate is always at your heels. That bleeding feeling when you run into the night from it, it will remain. On your endless run from that one thing that you know will catch up.


    You will be delivered.



    Peace

    i used to... but i'm retarded and forgot them all : (

    Your fate is always at your heels. That bleeding feeling when you run into the night from it, it will remain. On your endless run from that one thing that you know will catch up.


    You will be delivered.



    Peace

    well, im just on summer break and have lost my constant supply =(

    I'm baaaaaaack......time to find a group to fly with.

    me too...




    hmm



    what do you call a redhead with a moustache?



    a


    mexican!


    that wasn't funny, was it?


    damn..


    2 am.... i shouldn't try


    to make up my own jokes this late/early

    Your fate is always at your heels. That bleeding feeling when you run into the night from it, it will remain. On your endless run from that one thing that you know will catch up.


    You will be delivered.



    Peace

    The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on


    his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come


    waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied.


    "Breakfast."









    Woman rushes into her house one morning and


    yells to her husband,
    "Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
    "Shall I pack


    for warm weather or cold?"
    "Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by


    noon!"












    A man was walking along a California


    beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a


    genie!


    The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is


    the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can


    forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.


    The man sat down on the


    beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii;


    but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so


    that I can drive over there to visit?"


    The genie laughed and said, "That's


    impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom


    of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another


    wish."


    The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married


    and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm


    insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what


    they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know


    what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly


    happy...."


    The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

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    Only dead fish swim with the stream.
    Don't discuss with idiots. They only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience there.


    This is ten percent luck,
    Twenty percent skill,
    Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
    Five percent pleasure,
    Fifty percent pain,
    And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

    Silas an Sally are screwing out in the cornfield. All of a sudden, it


    starts to rain, causing the couple to slide around in the mud. After five minutes, Silas


    asks ,"Honey, am I in you or in the mud?". "You're in the mud," says Sally, after feeling


    around. Silas readjusts himself. Another minute later, he asks the same question again. "In


    me, baby, in me," Sally cooed. "Well, would you mind helping me put it back in the mud


    again?"

    CrossFire Police Department



    The goal of a soldier at war is not to die for his country, but to make the other basta** die for his.


    -- General George S. Patton


    Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die.
    Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die.
    Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die.
    He ain't gonna jump no more.


    --excerpt from Blood on the Risers

    A guy dies in a car accident. When he wakes up, he


    finds to his great dismay that he is standing in front of the Devil in Hell.
    Satan: Why


    so glum?
    Guy: Why do you think? I'm dead and gone to Hell!
    Satan: Hell's not so


    bad. It can be a lot of fun here. Do you drink?
    Guy: I love to drink.
    Satan: Then


    you'll love Mondays; all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness. And we don't worry


    about hangovers because you're dead anyway.
    Guy: Sounds great!
    Satan: You a


    smoker?
    Guy: You better believe it!
    Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays.


    We get the finest cigars and smoke our lungs out with no worries about getting sick.
    Guy:


    Wow... that's wonderfull!
    Satan: Ill bet you like to gamble.
    Guy: Yes, I


    do.
    Satan: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker,


    Slots, whatever. No problem if you go bankrupt.
    Satan: What about drugs?!?
    Guy: Love


    drugs! You don't mean...?
    Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Enjoy a bowl of


    crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. Anything you want. You're dead, who


    cares.
    Guy: I never realized hell was such a cool place!
    Satan: You gay?
    Guy:


    No...


    Satan: Ooooh, thats bad (grimaces). You're going to hate Fridays! 8o

    only if they're lucky

    Your fate is always at your heels. That bleeding feeling when you run into the night from it, it will remain. On your endless run from that one thing that you know will catch up.


    You will be delivered.



    Peace

    Quote

    Originally posted by Deliverance
    only if they're


    lucky


    ...................... uhh ..................... yeah


    ...........................

    Crossfire Characters:
    (IOC){Dark_Angel} and any derivatives thereof.

    LMAO! that was a good one jib, probably the best one i've heard in a month xD [10]


    [10]

    I'm baaaaaaack......time to find a group to fly with.

    attemp numero


    two


    wow, i should not try spanish anymore...




    Why did Helen Keller's


    dog kill itself?
    You would too if your name was uhghghahfjac


    How do you punish


    helen keller?
    Giver her a baskeball and tell her to read it.


    How did Helen


    Keller's parents punish her?
    They left the plunger in the toilet.


    Why can't


    Helen Keller have kids?
    The plunger went all the way through.



    ahha.... yay,


    750th post! i'm now a king woot

    Your fate is always at your heels. That bleeding feeling when you run into the night from it, it will remain. On your endless run from that one thing that you know will catch up.


    You will be delivered.



    Peace

    haha, i'm fine with Helen Keller, i just think those are funny jokes



    sorry to


    offend you, dude : )

    Your fate is always at your heels. That bleeding feeling when you run into the night from it, it will remain. On your endless run from that one thing that you know will catch up.


    You will be delivered.



    Peace

    oh, great, SMOOOTH one, del.


    (and the jokes left something to be desired....less


    spam, mayhaps? ;) )

    I'm baaaaaaack......time to find a group to fly with.