Table of contents
A. Intro
I. What is
this?
II. Defining 'Noob'
B. Common NOOB characteristics
I.
Noobish
II. Where to find noobs
III. Behavior of noobs
IV. Noob religion
V.
More about noob habitats
C. Avoiding NOOBs
I. Make sure you aren't
one
II. Major noob avoiding strategies
A. INTRO
I. What is
this?
This guide is designed to give you a better understanding of what a noob is,
how to recognize them, some details about them, and how to avoid or get rid of them. It
mostly applies to online forums, which are the main targets of migrating noobs.
II.
Defining 'Noob'
Contrary to the belief of many, a noob/n00b and a newbie/newb are
not the same thing. Newbs are those who are new to some task* and are very beginner at it,
possibly a little overconfident about it, but they are willing to learn and fix their errors
to move out of that stage. Noobs, on the other hand, know little and have no will to learn
any more. They expect people to do the work for them and then expect to get praised about
it, and make up a unique species of their own. It is the latter we will study in this guide
so that the reader is prepared to encounter them in the wild if needed.
Noobs are
often referred to as n00bs as a sign of disrespect toward them, and it's often hella funny,
but I will refer to them as noobs during this reading.
* Usually the topic at hand on
an internet forum.
B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS
I. Noobish
Often,
but not always, noobs will attempt to communicate in their own primitive language, known as
noobish. It is a variant of the hacker language that exposes them as having little
intelligence or will to learn. Here is an example of some noobish. Do not attempt to
comprehend it: it cannot be discerned without professionals at hand.
stFU /\/\an, i
r teh r0xx0rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3 wit
hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!``!! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLLl u n00b
Although you may find
this unbelievably funny and/or annoying, it is best to restrain yourself and keep from
talking back to them, as they are very territorial and easily angered. This will result in
their attempted verbal abuse of you, possibly backed up by other noobs, because they work in
packs when doing offensive tasks. It is not an easy task to learn this language because our
intelligent accent will keep it from sounding quite right when spoken. You can write some
simple noobish of your own, however, by slamming your face into your keyboard
repeatedly.
II. Where to find noobs
On the internet, noobs make their colonies
on forums. They migrate in waves, usually on weekends, and proceed to clog up bandwidth with
stupid questions and sometimes even stupid answers. If you happen to be unfortunate enough
to be on a board large enough to attract migrating noobs, there will hopefully be authority
in charge who is smart enough to take extermination measures before they can make nests and
larger colonies.
Larger colonies can result in the mutation of some into spammers.
Not commercial spammers, but pointless spammers. A noob can become one of these at any
point, but the larger the amount of noobs, the more chance pointless spammers will
appear.
Off the internet, noobs appear anywhere the focus is on learning or
discussing something specific.
III. Behavior of noobs
Since noobs are
basically ignorant bastards, they have a lot in common. The most often seen characteristic
is their fluency in noobish, which is why it got its own section. They will also be very
self confident as if they were the absolute best at what they are in fact the worst at.
Also, they are quite agressive and self-centered, and tend to laugh a lot using many L's
and O's in rapid sucession (the noobish word for laughing like an ultimate
retard).
It is their instinct to assemble in packs for defense, and they often
attempt to organize packs that they call teams. Unfortunately for them, teams usually result
in a total loss of communication and they can often begin to fight amongst each other. These
teams are quite unlike those formed by non-noobs.
Noobs have difficulty reading
english and cannot comprehend the idea of authority. Therefore, they have an all-out
disregard for rules, basic or not. A good way to identify a noob (bad) vs. a newb (good) is
to tell them (or have an authority tell them) which rule they are unknowingly breaking. If
they respond with an apology and fix it, they are probably not a noob. If they react by
insulting everything around them in rapid noobish and causing general mayhem, it is because
they are a noob and have had a small seizure due to their inability to understand what is
happening.
IV. Noob religion
Noobs follow a variation of the 1337 (sometimes
7331) religion, in which they worship the number in odd rituals and put altars in their
forum avatars and signatures. They often call themselves 1337, which experts say is somewhat
like calling themselves godly in a human language. It's best to not interfere with their
religious fantasies and practices because that can lead to a noob uprising, which can turn a
forum to mush in less than a week.
V. More about noob habitats
Noobs often
attempt to maintain their own web pages. Some common features of these lairs are a terrible
lack of content, background music, lots of pointless animated gifs, and pages that say some
variation of 'tHEir isnothinG H34r yEtt LOLLOLOL!111!1!!~~~!!`! 13371337', which means
'Nothing here yet' in noobish. They will also have large, seemingly infinite marquees of
88X31 affiliate buttons replaced with red X's scattered here and there, and possibly a hit
counter showing a number less than 100. These habitats are numerous but fairly easy to avoid
because only noobs link to them. So if you can identify a noob, don't go to its homepage.
Simple as that.
C. AVOIDING NOOBS
I. Make sure you aren't
one
Note: This section is bilingual so even noobs can make the discovery if they
haven't already.
English (T4lk)-
Read the above parts of this guide carefully. If
you find yourself unable to comprehend any of it but are instead beginning to think about
how great you are and how awesome 'teh 1337' is, you might want to take one of the many
available online quizzes to check your noobancy.
Noobish (133713371337)-
Liek, u
gott4 re3D teh gudieCAREFUl1y and tehn OMG LIEK I AM R0XX0RZ ya anD ify 0u turn into teh
reTARDED u gota go 2 MY WEBP4GE LOLLOLOL!!111~11 ad check 4 warez n stfuu. if u r a n00b
go2HELL LOLLOLOlROFLMFAO11!!!11!!!! a/s/l pos gtg n00b suxx0rz ur b0xx0rz OLOOOLOLLLL HELP
HELP HELP 1337133713371337
II. Major noob avoiding strategies
The main factor
in attracting migrating herds of noobs is a large, active forum. If you find one of these,
look to see if it has the management to avoid noob infestation. If not, look for a small or
mid-sized forum that covers the same topic so you can enjoy your time there before the noobs
find it.
Another way to keep noobs from interfering with your life is to become part
of the authority on one of these forums. But that's often hard to do so you'll probably be
better off avoiding larger forums first off. If you do manage to become part of the
authority, however, take full advantage of it and establish extermination policies so that
normal people can have a nice time without noob infestations.
