Picard: "Mr. LaForge,
have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data,
have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In
fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century
computing technology." Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled: "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?" Data turns to answer:
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through
the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to
adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of
itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each
iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their
processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
.... 15 Minutes Later ...
Data:
"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected
it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation
of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in
Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of
an'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history
banks again and determine if there is something we missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe
there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented
that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: "Captain we
have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ..."
Geordi, excited: "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly
dropped to 0%!"
Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data:
"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it
has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this
'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
.... Two Hours Pass ...
Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the
Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but
each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deepspace monitor
beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft
Fun-Pack'. Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
Data: "Current Borg solution
rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain,
another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It
appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION
OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE.
YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward
hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward
viewer on the alien craft!"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating
straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe
you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe
skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"
Riker and Picard together
horrified: "Lawyers!!" Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but
apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and
are covering it with pieces of paper."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient
venacular as 'red tape' -- it often proves fatal." Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to
pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg
deserve that."
--- 2 hours later in the breifing room ---
Picard: "Where did
we go wrong to cause such a hideous catastophe?"
Data:: "Sir, our archives on late
Twentieth-century computing technology indicate there was once a challenger to 'Windows'
on earth code named 'Borg'. Later known as 'OS/2 for Windows'.
Riker: "God, you
mean this Admiral Gates thought the Borg were his ancient competitors?"
Picard: "It
would appear so." But whatever happened to this 'OS/2'?"
Geordi: "I believe I can
help here Captain. 'OS/2' had many of the features of our 25th century computers but this
Admiral Gates successfully gained unusual power from the Government through something called
a consent decree. With it, and a brainwashing technique called "Marketing", he destroyed
OS/2 and another competitor called "Macintosh".
Picard: "He did this without
weapons?"
Data: "Not quite Captain, he had an early pre-cursor to our
phasors,something called "Vaporware". And there is no known defense against this weapon."
Riker: "Captain, if you'll excuse me I'm feeling ill."
Picard: "Yes, Will,
I think we're all feeling ill. But this incident must serve to warn us and the entire
Federation how dangerous it is to awaken this Admiral Gates and his monster 'Windows'.
Geordi, prepare an emergency report to Starfleet command. Briefing adjourned."
SWAT_OP-R8R
Portal-Administrator
