These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!) Enjoy!
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Q:*Does it ever get windy in* Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (* UK*)
A:*We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.*
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Q:*Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (* USA )*
A:*Depends how much you've been drinking.*
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Q:*I want to walk from* Perth to* Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (* Sweden*)
A:*Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.*
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Q:*Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane ,* Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ?* (* UK*)*
A:*What did your last slave die of?*
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Q:*Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (* USA )*
A:*A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .*
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not*
.... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.*
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Q:*Which direction is North in* Australia ? (* USA*)*
A:*Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.*
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Q:*Can I bring cutlery*into* Australia ? ( UK*)*
A:*Why? Just use your fingers like we do...*
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Q:*Can you send me the* Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)*
*A:*Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.*
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Q:*Can I wear high heels in* Australia ? (* UK*)*
A:*You are a British politician, right?*
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Q:*Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)*
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q:*Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)***
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:*I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (* USA*)*
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.*You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:*I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in* Australia ? (* USA*)*
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q:*Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (** Italy*)*
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q:*Do you celebrate Christmas in* Australia ? (* France*)*
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q:*Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (* USA*)*
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.*
