Dexter's Empire

A spoof fanfic by Crayz9000

Dexter's Laboratory property of

Cartoon Network.
Star Trek property of Paramount.
Star Wars property of Lucasfilm

The Crocodile Hunter property of The Discovery Channel.
Super Mario Brothers

property of Nintendo.
Doctor Who property of the BBC.
2001: A Space Odyssey property

of... I don't know, Stanley Kubrick?
MechWarrior2 property of Activision.
WarCraft

property of Blizzard Entertainment.
Honeycombs property of General Mills.
Back to

the Future property of Universal.
"Got Milk?" is a trademark of The United Dairy

Council, or something like
that.
Radio Shack and the TRS-80 property of Tandy, Inc.

Thanks to Dodge, a division of Chrysler Motors, for use of a Viper.
The Dukes of

Hazzard property of Warner Brothers. Something like that.
Otherspace and the Daltonator

trademark property of Rob Dalton.
Spaceballs property of... I don't really know.

Home Alone property of some media giant.
AOL is the trademark of America Online.

Back Orfice was developed by the hackers of the L0PHT.
Hewlett-Packard is a

trademark of... you guessed it, Hewlett-Packard.
Imperial Disco is a fanfic by Chuck

Sonnenburg.
"And somebody died. Of gangrene." is a trademark of Spyda. I think so,

anyway.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is copyright... I dunno, anybody have

that book?
Half-Life property Sierra Studios and Valve, Inc.
Scooby-Doo property

of Hanna-Barbera Studios.
South Park property of Comedy Central.
Ben-Hur is property

of Metro-Goldwin-Mayer. Plus the deceased author of the
book.
George of the

Jungle... I can't remember who made the original cartoon.
Spy Hard... well, all I can

remember is that it starred Leslie Nielsen.

I think that's it.
No money is

being made off of this fic. It's just a spoof, after all.

Chapter 1

In a

secret lab underneath an ordinary-looking house, in an ordinary-looking neighborhood, an

experiment was about to take place.
At the sound of a crash, a boy soldering a piece of

delicate electronic equipment jumped and turned around.
"Deedee! What are you doing in

my laboratory?"
The girl in question walked over to a stand, where an object looking

like a television remote sat. "Oooh, what does this do?"
"NO! Don't touch that!"

The girl snatched it, and took off at a run. As she was running, though, she didn't notice

that she had knocked over a row of test equipment. A particularly heavy oscilloscope crashed

over, hitting a big green button on another console. With a whirr of machinery, a swirling

gate appeared in front of the heedless girl. She promptly ran through, followed by Dexter.

In the engineering section of the NCC-1701 E, currently near Deep Space 9, Wesley

Crusher was inspecting a plasma conduit, when Deedee and Dexter appeared out of midair,

landing with a thump on the deck. Geordi promptly ran over.
"Are you two all right?"

Without answering him, Deedee got up, and began running. Dexter tried to follow her,

but Geordi restrained him.
"Look. What happened?"
Dexter responded. "My evil

sister stole a piece of equipment that I was working on. I must get it back!"
Dexter

jumped up, and ran beneath the engineer's legs. The engineer looked in surprise, as Deedee

began running on the consoles with Dexter following. A second after Deedee hit a console, it

exploded, blackening Dexter. She finally ran into a turbolift at the far end of the room,

and the door shut in Dexter's face. When she was in the turbolift, she looked at the wall

charts.
"Ooh, look at all the funny names! Hmm, what's the transporter room?"

With a whirr, the turbolift came into action, and the door opened at the transporter room. A

security guard tried to stop her. "Halt! Who are you?" She immediately jumped over him,

landing on the transporter control console. The confused security officer began shooting

stun blasts with his phaser, knocking out the transporter technician and a few nameless

ensigns.

In the meantime, Dexter and Wesley ran into another turbolift. "Bridge."

The turbolift shot upwards, and Wesley introduced himself.
"My name's Wesley Crusher.

I'm really interested in technology and stuff. So who are you?"
The shorter boy turned

and looked up. "I am Dexter, boy genius, and I hate my stupid sister Deedee."
By the

time he had finished saying this, the doors shot open, and Captain Picard walked toward

them.
Dexter asked him, "Can you help me stop my evil sister? She's loose on this

ship." Picard started to respond, when the alarms started blaring.
"Red alert. Red

alert. Red alert."
"Oh kriff, never mind."

The command rang throughout the

hundred-mile wide battlestation.
"Commence primary ignition."
There was a loud

whine, which quickly dropped to subsonic frequencies. But just as a black helmeted soldier

pulled back on the firing lever, the battlestation was abruptly sucked into a wormhole. It

appeared on the other side, and obliterated a ring-like space station with the superlaser

before anyone could react.

Kira was looking out of the Defiant's viewscreen at

Deep Space Nine, which they had just undocked from. As she gazed at it, the ship's alarms

rang out, and the viewscreen flashed white before shutting down. A minute later, when it

came back online, all that was left where the station had been was lumps of metal and an

expanding gas cloud. "NO!" She broke down, weeping, for the place she had once called home.

The view switched to the thing which obliterated DS9. It was a massive, 160-kilometer space

station, with a crater-like cavity in the front.

The Millennium Falcon cruised

through hyperspace, toward its destination of Alderaan. The Jedi Knight, Obi-Wan Kenobi,

suddenly turns away and sits down, as if in shock. A blond-haired kid, who had been

practicing with a lightsaber and training remote, ran forward.
"Are you all right?

What's wrong?"
The old man replied. "I felt a great disturbance in the Force... as if

thousands of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."
He rubs his

forehead, and seems to drift into a trance. "You'd better get on with your exercises."

Several hours later, Han Solo is sitting in the cockpit of the Falcon. He notices a

small light flashing on the far side of the control panel.
"Looks like we're coming up

on Alderaan. Stand by, Chewie."
The ship lurches violently, startling the pilot. "Cut

in the sublight engines! Now!"
The mottled sky of hyperspace becomes the streaks of

starlines. He looks out at a strange stellar system.
"What the...? Aw, we've come out

of hyperspace in an asteroid field. It's not on any of the charts."
Luke comes running

into the cockpit. "What's going on?"
The startled smuggler responds. "I have no idea

where we are- we're not in any system the navicomputer has registered."
Another light

flashes on the control panel. "Another ship coming in."
Luke replies. "Maybe they can

tell us what happened."
Ben looks out at the small speck. "It's an Imperial fighter."

Dexter's Empire
Part Two

The USS Jellyco, an old Miranda refit,

cruised near the planet Irregula IV. Irregula IV had been smashed by several really big

asteroids millennia before, leaving it in a strange shape, from which it derived its name.

The planet, if you could even call it that, consisted of two disks at right angles to each

other, one with a hole in it. It looked like a sanitation fixture from 21st century Earth.

Suddenly, the main viewscreen of the Jellyco flashed to life. Captain Timothy

Moronis Jones snapped to attention, completely oblivious of the drool on his sleeve. A

medieval knight caught his attention.
"I am King Arthur, sent to avenge my brother whom

you murdered."
Jones was taken by surprise. "What brother? The only guy I killed was

some pillowhead known as Sheppard."
Arthur became enraged. "Sheppard was my brother,

you flea-ridden bag of monkey shit! I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a

hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries."
At his statement, a peculiar odor

began wafting around on the bridge.
Ensign No User piped up, "What's that smell?"

The science officer, Corporal Elim D. Garak, in the meantime, was gasping for breath from

the odor. "It... appears... to... be... emanating... from... Irregula... itself."
As

soon as he said that, he collapsed to the floor. Jones hardly batted an eye.

"Transporter room, this is the captain. Beam Garak down to sickbay."
Cries of laughter

were coming from the transporter room, so Jones repeated.
"I SAID BEAM GARAK DOWN!"

Suddenly, he felt himself gripped by the transporter. "What the...?" And he found

himself on board the medieval ship, surrounded by rats. "Where... Where am I?" A voice

boomed out from nowhere, surrounding the small room.
"You are in the dungeon of the USS

Strowass."
Now Jones was getting scared. "Who- Who are you?"
The voice replied. "I

am the ghost of Sheppard, come back to torment you for eternity. Now, shall we proceed with

the interrogation?"
As this was said, a shadow fell upon the wall, even though the

dungeon was pitch black. Suddenly, the dungeon was filled with a blood-red light, revealing

the speaker. It stood over seven feet tall, in a hooded black robe, and was carrying an

old-fashioned scythe from 17th century Earth. Sheppard threw back his hood, revealing two

reddish-glowing eyes, floating in midair. When this happened, Jones shitted his pants. But

the phantom continued forward. "You placed me in a 20th century prison, where I eventually

died. I never had the chance to complete the story I was writing, Imperial Phoenix." Jones

snorted. "Imperial Phoenix? What a piece of crap. My pet grasshopper could write a better

story." At that comment, the phantom's eyes turned deathly cold. Timothy wanted to piss his

pants, but his bladder was empty.

In an observation room in another part of the

ship, three men sat around a control panel, watching a viewscreen of Timothy's dungeon. The

first one turned to the second.
"Well, Hit-Man, your idea seems to be working. This is

more enjoyable than I thought."
LT. Hit-Man responded by turning to the viewscreen, and

turning several dials. "There. That should fix Jones."
The third one, who had been

sitting quietly in the back, commented on the scene. "Well, Jones really got himself more

than he bargained for, didn't he, Yates?"
Yates responded. "Sure thing, Sheppard. What

should I do to him now?"
Mark Sheppard looked at the viewscreen again. "Initialize

torture method Lambda-Omega-Zero. Heh, I just love those Federation holograms."

Dexter's Empire
Part Three

A 160 meter long, spoon-shaped ship was

meandering through the Delta Quadrant. As usual, it was not minding its own business. All of

a sudden, fifteen Borg cubes emerged from transwarp, chased by several Species 8472

bioships, plus a few Ferengi ships that got mixed up in the mess. As Captain Janeway of the

USS Voyager watched, one of the Ferengi ships was assimilated by a Borg cube, when then

promptly exploded from a hit by one of the bioships.
"We've got to save those Ferengi!

Paris, get the Delta Flyer ready. Seven, meet me in the shuttlebay."
A nameless ensign

piped up. "But what are you doing? The Delta Flyer is only a shuttle, and you're taking it

against fifteen cubes and those bioships?"
Janeway glared at him, and a console behind

him exploded, taking him out of his misery forever. Or so it looked. A Borg drone promptly

beamed aboard, and injected the hapless ensign with nanoprobes. Both then beamed back to the

cube.
The Delta Flyer left the shuttlebay, only to fly straight into a Ferengi ship

that was attempting to dock with Voyager. Miraculously, the shuttle was undamaged while the

Ferengi ship suffered a massive hull breach. With Janeway off the Voyager, Neelix took the

helm, promptly engaging the Voyager's warp drive as a blast from a Borg cube shot through

the space where it had been.

Oddly enough, a ship looking like a 4x4 with a boat

strapped to the roof appeared next to Borg cube #13. The cube tractored it in, and all was

quiet. Five minutes later, the ship shot out of the cube at speeds close to C, and promptly

headed for a Species 8472 bioship.

The USS Jellyco drifted aimlessly through space,

as Captain Timothy had been captured. Helmsman Jaul Pacques let out a bloodcurdling scream

for no apparent reason.
On the medieval ship, Mark Sheppard watched the viewscreen as

the small lifesign indicator in the corner turned to a straight line. Finally, Timothy was

dead. Or was he? He pushed a button on the console, and Timothy's body vanished in a cloud

of plasma.
There was a flash of light on the planet Irregula IV. A swarm of atoms came

together and coalesced into a body. The newly recreated body vanished in the mists of a

transporter, and appeared in a large, black chamber that didn't exist. A man in a

chartreuse Starfleet uniform floated, cross-legged, over the prostrate body of Jones. He

snapped his fingers.

A battle was raging around the ten remaining Borg cubes. The

Delta Flyer had docked with one of the Ferengi ships. Janeway offered to rescue them, and

then killed them when they refused. But as the Flyer undocked, the Jellyco appeared behind

it and turned it into a hood ornament. Seven injected nanoprobes into the hull, melting it

and gaining access to the Jellyco's bridge. Janeway indignantly tripped and fell onto Elim,

waking him up with a shock. He raised his head, only to smash it into the captain's

hindquarters.

A gate appeared behind the group, and two plumbers stepped out, one

with a green hat and the other with a red hat. Both were carrying strange-looking guns, and

one had fancy boots. They took one look at Elim and fired, degenerating him into a

chimpanzee. But as the guy with the green hat stopped firing, the beam swept across Janeway.

Even though it only fired for a fraction of a second, it was enough to turn Janeway into a

Neanderthal. She promptly pulled a wooden club out of nowhere, and began smashing in every

console on the Jellyco. Mario turned to the other plumber.
"Luigi, can't you ever

watch where you fire that thing? Look what you've done." He aimed at Janeway, attempting to

reverse the degenerative process. But that was not to be. All of a sudden, Q appeared in

front of the gun and took the blast. He morphed into a monkey for a second, and then turned

into "Super Q."

Dexter's Empire
Part Four

Near where Deep Space Nine

used to be, a dozen Borg cubes appeared, followed by the Species 8472 bioships, Voyager, and

the Jellyco. The ensign manning the Enterprise's scanner console looked in surprise at the

two lost Federation ships before the console exploded in his face.

In the

Enterprise's transporter room, Deedee was still running loose, followed by Dexter. But as

she touched one of the transporter pads, she immediately vanished in the mists, followed by

Dexter.
They appeared on board the Voyager. Deedee, waiting for Dexter, pointed the

remote-like device at Neelix and pushed the big red button. A bolt that looked like

lightning shot out, and Neelix promptly turned into a frog.
Suddenly, the Voyager

lurched. It had been caught in the Death Star's tractor beam.

In Death Star

fighter bay #1154, a telephone booth appears, and two men step out. One guy runs towards a

parked row of TIE fighters, chucking little parcels. The first TIEs explode violently,

while in the meantime, Darth Vader approaches the Doctor, who then jumps in the phone booth.

"Ace! No time to blow things up! Come on, let's get out of here!" He then jumps into the

phone booth and it vanishes.

By this time, the Voyager was inside the Death Star's

hangar bay. The main ramp opened up, and Chakotay came out, with a screen of ensigns around

him. A legion of 3PO protocol droids marched in, and clumsily opened fire. The ensigns

returned fire, cutting down the protocol droids with ease. Oddly enough, the droids were not

phased out of the continuum, but instead fell apart. Hordes of Ugnaughts promptly came in,

gathering up the pieces.
The stormtroopers had enough warning, and so brought in

several E-webs, which cut down any and all ensigns in the vicinity. Chakotay called back.

"Janeway, this is Chakotay. I'm out of ensigns. Can you demote some lieutenants and send

them out here?" The frog that was Neelix responded. "Ribbet. Ribbet. Ribbet." At that point,

Q cut in. "Um... it means to say that the ensigns are on their way." "Uh... Ok, thanks."

Twelve more ensigns run down Voyager's ramp, only to run straight into the muzzle of

an E-web.

About the same time, Han and Luke were rescuing Leia. They come running

around the corner, to where they left the Falcon. Except that the Voyager was sitting where

the Falcon used to be. So they dash out toward it, and Threepio gets hit in the chest by a

phaser blast. "Oh my! I've been shot!" Artoo twitters something, then starts dragging

Threepio towards the ship.

On the Voyager, a crisis was raging in Ten Forward.

Bowls of leola root stew go flying across the room, as Dexter and Deedee battle it out.

Neelix the frog jumps across, trying to get to shelter, and an inverted bowl lands on it.

Deedee remembers the little remote, and points it at Dexter. As she hits the Big Red

Button, Janeway appears directly in front, with Q floating off to the side. The blast hits

Janeway, and she turns into a mule, heading off toward the kitchen in search of fresh coffee

beans.

Timothy M. Jones re-materializes on the bridge of the Jellyco. Looking

around him, he sees that most of the crew is gone. Summoning his powers of illogic, he

concentrates and a new crop of ensigns appear on the bridge, still on the cob. The corny

ensigns then move to take positions at their respective consoles, which they discover

smashed in.

Dexter's Empire
Part Five

On the Jellyco, Timothy is

sitting in his toilet-shaped command chair, with Seven, who got left on board by Q,

struggling at the end of a leash, inside a force field.
"JONES! LET ME GO!"

"Never. You will soon learn to appreciate me."
At that comment, one of the ensigns

faints, even though it's impossible for a corn stalk to faint. Suddenly, a deep, haunting

baritone voice, with a heavy British accent, booms out of everywhere and nowhere at once.

"Jones, your time of judgement is at hand. Repent, or LT. Hit-Man will torture you for

eternity."
Timothy, who somehow got a tinfoil hat, sneered. "And who are you?"
One

of the ensigns volunteers. "God?"
Another responds. "No, something else. Maybe...

Roddenberry? Gene, is that you?"
The disembodied voice replies. "No to both of you. It

is I, the author, who is subjecting you to this random lunacy."
Jones got his

donkey-shit eating grin on his face. "So you are just a puny mortal."
The voice boomed

back. "Nay, I wield the full power of the author. I can subject you to any torture I desire.

All things in this fan fiction are controlled by me, including Q."
Timothy sneered back

again, completely unaware of the frilly pink ballet dress he was suddenly wearing. "Prove

it."
The voice boomed, louder than before. "Pray why do I have to prove it? As you

speak, I am manipulating your words. I am thinking about what you will say in response to

me."
Timothy put his snot-covered fingers in his ears and began humming the Barney

theme song loudly. "I love you, you love me, we're one big.." But before he could finish, a

giant, ten foot-long mosquito appeared out of thin air and ate him somehow, then vanished

just as quickly.
Several ensigns breathed a sigh of relief, but were immediately killed

by exploding consoles, even though all the consoles were dead, both figuratively and

literally.

Meanwhile, strange things were happening on the Death Star. The

Constitution-class USS Enterprise appeared inside one of the hangar bays, beamed a gigantic

pile of little furballs onto the deck, then disappeared. Another ship, this one having a

spherical bow, a long, triangular framework in the middle, and large stern with three ion

engines, appeared. The Death Star locked tractor beams on the derelict Discovery and pulled

it into another hangar bay.

Darth Vader walked into the Emperor's private chamber,

stroking a Tribble. The Emperor concentrated for a second, then spoke.
"So. Your

thoughts betray you. Are you sure that your mind is clear on the subject?"
Vader

responded. "Yes, I am sure. It has a calming, soothing effect... something that I have not

felt for years, my master."
"Give into your anger! Strike it down!"
"I can not do

that, my master."
The PA system of the Death Star, unused for years, crackled to life

with a calm male voice. "Dave? Dave, I'm terribly sorry. Do you want me to sing you a

song?" A burst of static interrupted things. "That's one small step for man, one giant..."

Another burst of static fuzz interrupted, then things straightened out. A female,

computer-generated voice beeped, then spoke. "Planet: Death Star. Ambient temperature: 68

degrees. All systems nominal." A different voice, one that sounded low and slurred, yelled.

"STOP POKING ME!"

In Ten Forward, the battle was still raging. Dexter and Deedee

were fighting over the remote. Deedee managed to turn Dexter into a kitten, but then Dexter

ran toward the remote, turning Deedee into a greyhound. She swiped it back, and zapped

Dexter into a cheetah. Dexter then began chasing her, and Chewie unfortunately stuck his

head in the door at that moment and bellowed. The two animals ran straight toward him,

knocking him over as they tore out of the room.

The two reached the bridge of

Voyager, but just before they entered, Dexter turned Deedee into a Rancor. He then ran in

fright onto the bridge, followed by Deedee.
An ensign quipped, "Rancor on the bridge"

before the rancor ate him.
Another looked at him. "What's a Rancor- OH SHIT, never

mind!" That ensign got eaten just as quickly as the first.
Finally, the rancor

bellowed. "Honeycombs! Honeycombs! Me want Honeycombs!"
Outside the Voyager, a giant

field of Honeycombs appeared, and the Voyager flew straight into it. Han, who was sitting at

the controls, took evasive action to avoid the gigantic Honeycombs, swirling about thicker

than hearty split-pea soup. The TIE fighters tried to match it, but eventually all of them

crashed into the speeding Honeycombs. Finally, Han took the ship deep into one of the larger

Honeycombs. Leia shouted at him. "You're not going deeper into the field, are you?"

Threepio, partly pieced together by Artoo, wailed. "Oh no! We're doomed!"

A large

fleet of Star Destroyers waited outside the cereal field. Darth Vader, on the Executor,

turned to Admiral Piett. "Honeycombs do not concern me, Admiral. I want that ship alive."

"Yes, Lord Vader."
The Star Destroyers moved into the field of cereal, their turbolaser

batteries shooting left and right at the Honeycombs, which rained down on the force of

ships. One unlucky ship's bridge got taken off by a speeding lump of cereal, and went

spinning out of control into a convenient black hole.

Dexter's Empire
Part Six

It was a beautiful morning in 1985 Hill Valley, California, when Marty walked out

to the garage. There was a flash like a burst of lightning, and a silvery DeLorean pulled up

in the driveway. A man wearing a white lab coat, with frizzled white hair, opened one of the

DeLorean's gull-wing doors and stepped out. He immediately walked over to a garbage can,

pulled out a couple half-empty beer cans, and dumped them in a cylindrical chamber that

resided where the car's engine should be.
"Come on, Marty, there's no time for that.

Get in the car!"
"But Doc, what about Jennifer?"
"She'll come along."
They

get in the car, and it pulls out.
"Doc, I don't think we have enough road to reach 88

miles per hour."
"Where we're going, we don't need roads."
Biff Tannen walks out

the front door, just in time to see the DeLorean take off, and vanish in a burst of fire.

"A flying DeLorean...?"

Hill Valley, 2015 AD
There is another burst of

light on the skyway, and a DeLorean shoots along it, coming out in the middle of a

thunderstorm. It's a little too high, and a bolt of lightning strikes it, making it vanish.

Deep in space, a gigantic Honeycomb floats in the center of a field of Honeycombs.

The Federation starship Voyager heads toward it, intent on landing and repairing its damage.

It shoots in toward the center hole, and disappears.

TIE Bombers strafe the

honeycomb with concussion milk bombs, the sweet liquid gradually eroding holes in the giant

lump of cereal. Nearby, the Super Star Destroyer Executor flies along, blasting Honeycombs

with water cannon. Darth Vader steps forward, as he watches a smaller Honeycomb being

tractored into the massive hangar bay. "Got milk?" Captain Needa responds. "No sir. The ship

has gone into one of the larger lumps of cereal, and we are trying to find it." Vader

breathes for a minute, to Needa's discomfort. "I am not concerned with the ship. I want

Honeycombs, and are you telling me that there is no milk on board this ship?" "Er... yes,

sir. All supplies of milk were rationed when the Rebels took Ukio." "Very well, then." Vader

then begins Force-choking the unfortunate captain, who clutches his throat. "Why are you...

akk... doing this... gasp... I can't... ack... do a thing... gasp... about it..." (thump)

"Apology accepted, Captain Needa."

Deep in the center of the giant Honeycomb, a

swirl of light appears, and a giant mosquito flies through. The mosquito retches, even

though it's an insect, leaving a shapeless lump on the ground. It then disappears again in

a swirl of light. Several minute later, the lump gathers itself up, becoming a humanoid

form. It stands erect, shaking off the larvae attached to it, and the face is somewhat

recognizable. It is Jones.

The Voyager lands, somewhere near where Jones was

regurgitated. Everyone scrambles to avoid the Rancor, who runs out the main hatch and begins

gorging on cereal.
Han Solo walks toward Voyager's engineering section, trying to see

what is wrong with the hyperdrive. When he gets there, he starts walking around trying to

find it, when the ship lurches. He draws his pistol and runs out the main ramp, only to see

Jones sucking on the hull. But before he can shoot, Jones runs at him like a lunatic, intent

on killing him. A roar reverberates throughout the cavern.
"GOT MILK?" It is the

Rancor, mouth full of cookie crumbs. The ponderous beast walks toward Jones, who looks up in

fright and starts backing away. "GIVE ME MILK!"
Jones stammers, "B-b-but I don't have

a-a-any!" Still, the Rancor continues, sweeping Jones up and biting his head off. It pauses,

spits the head out, and eats the rest of Jones, then proceeds to lick its fingers.

Somewhere in the Delta Quadrant, a small, one-person runabout, shaped like a Dodge Viper, is

meandering hopelessly. In pursuit is a Borg Cube, intent on assimilating the runabout. The

lone occupant, a certain Sean Collins, gets a suicidal look on his face, just as the

runabout is seized in a tractor beam. Just as he is about to hit the button marked "Self

Destruct," a Borg baby beams onto his lap, and presses the button marked "Turbo." All of a

sudden, the Viper lurches forward, heading straight for the cube. The cube slowly draws it

in, and a voice floats over the comm. "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." As

the nanoprobes began to course through Sean's system, he finally realized how foolish it

was to attack the ISD Domination.

On board the Jellyco, another swirl of light

appears, and Darth Jacques steps through. What he misses is the band of Ewoks following him.

Suddenly, a crude net appears in front of him, with a Britney Spears CD in the center. He

greedily lunges for it, only to get stuck in the net. Somehow, the Ewoks get him down, tie

him to a log, and carry him to the captain's chair, where they are busy building a bonfire.

"What are you doing with me? I am Darth Jacques. You can't harm... AHHHH!" The fire slowly

burns through his thick troll's skin, subjecting him to intense pain.
Several hours

later, he was still alive and screaming, as the Ewoks burned more of Timothy's magazines

and calculations. The ensigns were all standing around him, cheering and placing bets as to

how long he would last. One of them, oddly enough named Sean P. Collins, trips on a stray

Tribble, and falls onto the roasting troll. The Ewoks cover their eyes, as the ensign's

dying screams resound throughout the ship.

In the Jellyco's hold, almost a hundred

cloning chambers sat. Most of them were devoted to cloning the Dark Prince himself, while

several were reserved for Elim, Paul, and other minor trolls. Nutrient frames were scattered

throughout the hold, with ysalamiri projecting their Force-empty bubbles over the clones.

Several tanks opened, and miniature clones of Jones stepped out, awakened by the cries of

Paul. But the clones did not have long to live, as the DeLorean appeared on top of them,

crushing the clones and smashing several tanks.

Dexter's Empire
Part Seven

A tiny starfighter floated in intergalactic space, near a small star system. It had

a body similar to, but slightly longer than an X-wing, and solar panels similar to a TIE

Interceptor.
In front of the starfighter, a man in an oxygen suit appeared, with a

Radio Shack TRS-80 computer next to him. He looked at the starfighter in surprise, as a

voice rang out inside his head. "I have summoned you here, on charges of being a Trek fan

while writing Wars books. All of your books have been filled with Trekkie errors, bad plots,

and other disgusting things. I hereby challenge you to a TGOD." Kevin J. Anderson spoke up.

"What's a TGOD?" "A TGOD stands for The Good Old Days. It is where you get to kill the

opponent in creative ways. I have challenged you to one in this fanfic, since you are not

present in my newsgroup." The author got a smile on his face. "As long as this is a fair

fight, I accept." "It will be a fair fight. Q is not allowed, and neither is time travel."

Kevin got a grin on his face, and began typing on his TRS-80.
One minute later, Kevin

was comfortably sitting in the pilot's chair of the Sun Crusher, with Kyp Durron next to

him. "Well, Kyp, show this usurper the power of the Dark Side." Kyp reached out with the

Force, and swatted the H-wing away with a blink of his eye.
Crayz9000 sat in the

cockpit of the tumbling H-wing. He opened a comm channel to the Sun Crusher. "Old fool. Only

now, at the end, do you realize the power of the Far Side." Suddenly, the Sun Crusher became

the Titanic, and rammed a comet. Screams erupted from the doomed ship, as suicidal people

jumped into the icy waters that oddly appeared around it. On the Titanic's bridge, Kate

Winslet jumped into Kyp's arms. Kyp looked at her for a second, then shouted at Kevin,

"Well kriff you. You never gave me anything like this, you selfish prick!" He then jumped

out, with Kate Winslet still in his arms. A very, very pissed Leonardo Di Caprio stood on

the railing of the ship, and jumped after him, hitting a lifeboat with William Jefferson

Clinton's great-grandfather on board. Needless to say, the boat sank.
Kevin looked

around him, his eyes coming to rest on the TRS-80 bolted to the tiller. He shouted, "I can

do better," and ran over, madly typing away. An Eclipse-class Star Destroyer appeared behind

the H-wing, while a Lambda-class shuttle came and took him off the sinking ship. The Eclipse

opened fire on the H-wing, obliterating it in a burst of plasma, while Kevin traveled safely

to the Eclipse, and jumped into hyperspace once he was aboard.
Following closely behind

the Eclipse, below the ion wash from its engines, was a man in spacetrooper armor. He fired

his thrusters, coming close to a convenient boarding hatch. As the bounty hunter punched in

the override codes, the airlock shot open, letting him in. He pulled off the spacetrooper

armor, revealing the HEV suit he wore underneath, and looked around him. He was in the

engine room, with hundreds of droids surrounding him. The bounty hunter then walked over to

a data terminal, extended the data probe built-in to his suit, and downloaded a floor plan

for the ship. He then powered up his E-web, and made off for a maintenance duct leading to

the bridge.
Kevin watched Crayz9000 making his way toward the bridge on the battle

bridge's main viewscreen. As the Eclipse was in hyperspace, he flicked a single switch, and

the bridge detached, leaving the bounty hunter to float through hyperspace forever.

Meanwhile, the real bounty hunter stood laughing, directly below Kevin's seat, in a

stormtrooper ready room. Kevin had just eliminated a hologram of him. Crayz9000 carefully

bored a small hole in the soundproof ceiling, placed several sequencer charges into it, then

set the timer and ran. One minute later, Kevin was sitting, gloating, when the sequencers

went off. His world turned into a flash of light, then it was no more. The timers on the

hyperdrive went off, bringing the mighty warship out of hyperspace. By that time, Crayz9000

had made his way down to the fighter deck, where he stole a TIE Defender, and programmed

several droid-equipped TIE Defenders to follow him.
Just as the timers on the

sequencers went off, Kevin disappeared in the mists of a transporter, and reappeared on the

bridge of a Romulan warbird. He watched as the mighty Eclipse went careening into the Maw,

and several TIEs shot out from its forward hangar bay, and proceeded to begin attacking him.

The warbird slowly picked off the droid fighters, leaving only one, which was dodging all of

the shots.
In his hijacked Defender, Crayz9000 watched as several ships shot out of

hyperspace. In the lead was a Federation Sovereign, which headed for the system's G-type

star and began dumping crates of beer into it. The ships pursuing it were the Fearmeister,

Cleaners 2 through 5, and his primary H-wing, running under the control of his R2 unit. As

he accelerated toward it to dock, a call came from the Fearmeister. "This is LT. Hit-Man.

There is a forty thousand credit bounty on Chris's head. I want him alive, or else."

Shortly, the bounty hunter was in the cockpit of his H-wing. He then programmed the Defender

to make its way to a rendezvous point in the middle of nowhere.
Kevin smirked. "Do you

expect me to fall for that trick?" The warbird promptly vaporized the TIE, but still could

not get a lock onto the H-wing. As Anderson heard the call from Hit-man, he typed several

more lines into his TRS-80. A beaten-up old freighter, the Lightning Rod, came out of

hyperspace behind Crayz's ship. Zekk opened a comm channel to it. "Chris is MY bounty, and

you're getting in my way! Now either get out of my way or fight, according to the Bounty

Hunter's Creed!"
In the cockpit, Crayz9000 heard the warning. "Wait a sec- I'm the

author here!" With a glance, Zekk's ship suffered a engine meltdown, and the hyperdrive

exploded. "Hey thanks, Kevin. Now I can detonate hyperdrives just like warp cores!" An

indignant reply came over the comm system, but he just ignored it and continued. This time,

he was determined to torture Kevin. Suddenly, the Romulan ship became covered in glowing

orange slime. A gigantic, green-glowing chicken with a radioactive symbol on its chest

appeared in front of the warbird. The Romulan ship tried to fire, but all of its disrupters

were blocked with the orange ooze. Finally, the chicken began pecking at the almost

mile-long ship, knocking holes in bulkheads all over the place. The derelict ship then

careened into the Maw, but an escape pod shot out of it. With another thought, Crayz9000

summoned the Jellyco from the Alpha Quadrant, and the escape pod smashed into the larger

ship's main docking port.

Dexter's Empire
Part Eight

"What do you

mean, this thing doesn't have a hyperdrive?" Han Solo stood in the Voyager's Engineering

section, staring at the big glassy tube marked "Warp Core." Chewie barked a reply, and Han

stared at the damn thing. Just then, Chakotay walked forward. "Um, sir, we have something

called a 'quantum slipstream drive,' but we can't seem to get it to work." "Well don't

just stand there, show me!" Chakotay walked over toward it, and gestured to the drive.

"Well, it looks like the case of an early T-900 hyperdrive, but where's the drive?"

Chakotay staggered back. "What drive? I thought that was the drive!" "No, you half-witted...

stuck-up... scruffy-looking... nerf herder!" Leia walked forward, presenting her middle

finger to a startled Chakotay. She then gave Han a big kiss. "Um... oops, I was supposed to

do that later on. Oh well, it doesn't matter." Han, after he recovered, walked off to see

what he could do with the drive. As he reached a console, it explodes, and he rolls

backwards, barely scarred. "Ok. THAT'S IT! You-" He kicks the warp core, much to the

discomfort of Chakotay. "worthless-" WHAM! "piece-" BANG! "of-" SLAM! "JUNK!" SMASH! He then

storms away toward the shuttlebay, followed by Chewie, Leia, and Luke. Luke dashes toward a

normal shuttle, while the rest of them jump in the Delta Flyer II, and begin the take-off

sequence. Tom Paris runs forward, waving his arms. "HEY! THAT'S MY SHIP!" Just as he's a

foot away from the hatch, it slams shut and a blast of plasma bursts out of the warp coils,

taking off his legs.

Outside Voyager, in the Honeycomb cave, Dexter was still

running from Deedee, and he quickly ducked into an escape pod, with the Rancor jamming its

head in after him, but unable to touch him. He jostles the remote, turning Deedee into a

Space Slug, who falls into a crack of the lump of cereal as the escape pod jettisons.

The Delta Flyer II shoots out of the shuttlebay, with Han and friends on board. As

soon as it clears Voyager's shields, the Intrepid's warp core detonates, killing Janeway,

Neelix, and the rest of the junior-class lieutenants on board. Fed by the explosion, the

Deedee slug rapidly expands to enclose the shuttle. "The cave is expand- no, it's

collapsing!" Leia, panicked, looks out of the DF2's forward viewport, while Han sits next

to her, a calm, determined look on his face. "This is no cave." "What!?"

Just then,

various golden protocol droid parts go floating past the shuttle. "Hey, look, it's

Threepio!" "I got him. Well, he's in the cargo bay airlock. Chewie?" Han looks at the giant

Wookiee, who moans a response and picks up Threepio's torso and head, placing the head on.

"Oh! Artoo! Why did you leave- no no no, OH MY! The warp core's detonating!" Chewie looks

at the droid, and twists several knobs, then reactivates the droid. "Well, something's

wrong- I can't see!" Chewie presses several more buttons, then Threepio speaks again.

"Well. That's much better. Oh no, you big furry oaf! You put my head on backwards!"

Outside the Honeycomb, the Imperial Fleet is waiting. The giant Honeycomb splits in

two, a la Armageddon, and barely misses the Death Star. The Deedee Slug goes shooting out,

and swallows the Executor minutes after Darth Vader leaves it. On the bridge of the

seventeen-kilometer long ship, Admiral Piett stares at the giant gullet when a lieutenant

yells, "Sir! The main deflector shields are down." "Intensify the forward batteries! I

don't want anything getting through! Intensify-!" Just then, the largest of the slug's

teeth slams into the bridge, killing off everyone.

***

On the planet Earth,

a man was sitting in front of a computer screen when something possessed him. He stretched,

sat up, and spoke. "I am Trekboy02. Nobody will convert me! I am invincible-" At that

moment, the door burst open, and a blast from a shotgun blew Trekboy's head off. The man

who fired then spoke. "My name's Duke Nukem. I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum...

but I'm all out of gum."

***

Kevin J. Anderson crawled out of the

emergency hatch on the pod, and fell onto the bridge floor of the Jellyco, retching from the

smoke in the air. He raised his head, only to see Timothy M. Jones standing over the crushed

and blackened remains of Darth Jacques. Dead Ewoks were scattered around the bridge, along

with withered corn stalks who were once ensigns. At the other end of the bridge, another

hole gaped where the Delta Flyer had smashed into the Jellyco. When Anderson saw all this,

he retched again. His head began pounding very hard from the immense bozon fields radiating

from the Dark Prince, and after several minutes of thinking he had a migraine, his head

exploded, spraying bullshit all over the bridge.

The ship shaped like a 4x4 came to

dock against the hull of the Jellyco. A khaki-wearing Aussie jumps out, and stands up inside

the Jellyco. "G'day, mate! I'm Steve Irwin, and this is my wife Terri." The woman crawls

out, and stands next to him. "Hello! Today, we'll be hunting the most elusive species in

the universe- the troll, and --" Steve climbs up a convenient ladder, and places his ear on

the ceiling. "Shh- we don't want to alert them." Several feet in front of them, the ceiling

cracks and Timothy jumps through, transforming rapidly into his supertroll mode. The troll

prince then lunges at Steve, who ducks and rolls out of the way. "Croikey! You're all

right, mate, you're all right!" The troll prince growls, and swipes his foot-long claws at

the Aussie, who begins running for his life. The troll then stomps away, transforming into

plain old Captain Timothy. "Whew! That was scary. Absolutely beaut' animal- did you see

those claws? By the looks of it, that's the Prince 'imself!"

***

In the

main hangar bay of the Death Star, a bright orange Dodge Charger with a Confederate flag

painted on the roof appears out of nowhere.

Suddenly, music begins playing over the

Death Star's PA system.

"Just some good old boys,"
"Never meaning no harm,"

"In all and that's in all,"
"just in trouble with the law,"
"since the day

they was born."
"Just some good old boys,"
"Never meaning no harm,"
"In all

and that's in all,"
"just in trouble with the law,"
"since the day they was

born."

The Charger flies over several rows of parked TIE fighters, and the driver

yells. "Yee-haw! Hey Daisy, you got your ears on?" He waits a second, and then a beaten-up

Ford pickup, followed by a Jeep CJ-5 and a Dodge patrol car, appear behind it. "You got

that, cousin!"
In the driver's seat of the patrol car, a police officer is sitting,

with a bloodhound staring at him, and chuckling. The officer looks at the dog for a second.

"Wait, that's what I'm supposed to do." He then begins chuckling, but stops as he sees the

General Lee launch off a dirt ramp which appeared out of nowhere. He jams on the brakes, but

it's too late, and the patrol car shoots into a convenient duck pond.

***

In the Emperor's private quarters, several ducks waddle forward, quacking. The Emperor's

chair slowly turns around, and the Feared One steps forward, chuckling. "Well, looks like I

have dinner!" He begins shooting the unfortunate ducks with blasts of lightning, slowly

cooking them from the inside out. When they seem to be done, he steps forward to claim his

prize, and unexpectedly trips on a fishing line strung across his path. Stumbling, he runs

into a sheet of Saran Wrap covered in Super Glue, and finally falls down the stairs, landing

on the roasted ducks.

Just then, the turbolift hisses open, revealing the fearsome

visage of the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. Vader steps forward, staring at the...

odd-looking Emperor. "What in the name of the Sith has befallen you, my lord?" The indignant

Emperor replies, his voice quickly rising to a scream. "WHAT THE KRIFF DOES IT LOOK LIKE? I

GOT TARRED AND FEATHERED!" Vader then speaks. "Who has done this! I will personally rip out

his fingernails." Luke slowly steps out of the shadows. "You can never bring yourself to do

that. I feel the conflict within you! Let go of your anger!" The two whip out their

lightsabers, and begin battling each other. Vader hisses fearsomely at Luke. "So. Your

thoughts betray you... Sister. You love... your sister Leia?" Luke lunges forward, and

begins hitting Vader with fierce blows. "NO!" "Whoa son, I was just kidding. I meant Seven

of Nine." Luke pauses to regard his cyborg father, and the Emperor slowly advances. "So. The

secret is revealed. Now let it be known that I am Annika's father!" Luke stares at the

Emperor, shocked. "No. It can't be. NO!" "Yes. It is your destiny!" The Emperor keeps

chuckling, and advances. "Young fool. Only now, at the end, do you realize that you will

never marry my daughter." Luke collapses from shock, and the Emperor begins blasting him

with lightning. "And now, you will die." The blasts, already intense, increase in intensity,

and Luke writhes in agony. "Father! Help! Please!" As Vader steps forward to pick up the

Emperor, Data runs, scoops up the screaming Emperor, and dumps him down a convenient shaft.

Vader looks up, surprised. "What? I was supposed to do that!" Data, somewhat damaged, looks

at Vader. "Well, I kept you from dying. Come on, say 'Thank You,' Anakin."

Dexter's Empire
Part Nine
A majestic, seventeen-kilometer long battleship

floated through deep space. As it was the Executor-class Star Destroyer Strowbridge, it was

equipped with top-of-the-line killfilters instead of the standard shield generators. Soon,

though, they would be put to the test.
On the bridge, Admiral Mark Sheppard watched as

a giant fleet of troll battleships dropped out of transwarp, and led by the USS Jellyco.

"Prepare to engage the enemy." Just as he said that, an ensign spoke up. "Sir, I thought

that you killed Tim-" He was cut short by a blast from Corporal Anton Polinga's blaster

rifle, which sliced the unfortunate ensign in two. As that happened, a riot erupted on the

bridge. Food began flying all over the bridge, and a bowl of leola root stew hit Lieutenant

Transcend full in the face. But as the battle was at its peak, the door hissed open, and two

shadows, one small and one huge, fell across the combatants. Anton looked up slowly, first

sweeping across a pair of size 12 feet, then gradually the owner of the feet was revealed, a

veritable walking mountain. It was Security Chief Rob Dalton.

From his vantage

point in front of the Jellyco's main viewscreen, Timothy Jones watched the battle. Oddly

enough, the Strowbridge had not opened fire on any of his ships. Timothy figured that his

agents must have been doing their jobs. "All ships, open fire with spam cannons. Maximum

firepower!" As he said that, though, a turd thrown by a resident gorilla went flying across

the space where his head had been. As he ducked to avoid it, his head went rolling across

the bridge, and he walked over, picked it up, and placed it back on as another turd hit him

square in the back of the head.

Back on the Strowbridge, Corporal Anton was

struggling under the crushing weight of the Daltonator. "AMMhPT!" *fart* *fart* "UMURMFTT!"

Just as Anton was almost suffocated, though, a Galaxy-class ship went flying by the bridge

windows, and caught Dalton's attention. "The USS E1701, huh? Doomriser, is that you? If it

is..." The unfortunate ensign took off at a run. "Sorry, Dalton, I've got to finish Fist of

the blazing Wormhole honor-bound without death, right now." "DOOMRISER!" But Dalton was too

slow to catch up with the quick ensign, and instead a bounty hunter that had found his way

onto the bridge grabbed at one of Doomriser's heels, tripping him flat across the deck.

Presently, the Daltonator came walking up, and proceeded to sit down on Doomriser. "Now,

Doomriser, either give me the codes that will deactivate E1701, or be crushed under my

weight." "Never! Let me go!" As Doomriser was suffocating, Sonn walked in. "And Doomriser

died. Of gangrene."

A warning shout came across the bridge from another unfortunate

ensign. "Sir! The enemy has opened fire on us with maximum fire spam-cannons! Killfilters

down to 2% effectiveness!" As soon as he finished saying that, the shield control console

exploded, blasting his head off. Sheppard sighed. "Well, at least we have 37,000 ensigns

left over. Ensign Mike Griffiths, I want you to take over. Randomize the killfilter

frequencies." The ensign hesitated, and replied to Sheppard. "Sir, by my calculations I

should not be able to randomize the frequencies at all." "Well, to hell with your calcs!

Randomize the killfilters!" As the bridge killfilters were down, a blast of spam slammed

into it, knocking anyone who was standing over.
Just then, a massive dick-shaped ship

went flying past the Strowbridge, and straight into the enemy fleet. On board the USS Wet

Dreams, Jedi Anger was struggling with a bunch of psychotic gorillas who were trying their

best to hump food synthesizer units. "Ergh! Get off, you big ape!" "Ooh-ooh-aah-aah!" The

Wet Dreams cruised along, but when it got near the Jellyco, it suddenly and inexplicably

shrank to the size of a light freighter, and it became the Jellyco's new hood ornament,

just below the Delta Flyer. Jedi Anger was still on board, and still struggling with the now

densely-packed gorillas. Finally, the pressure on the Wet Dreams' hull was too much, and

the mass of gorillas burst through to the Jellyco's bridge.

Finally, an ensign on

the Strowbridge was able to randomize the killfilters, and gradually the spam cannons of the

trolls started to lose their effectiveness. Back on the bridge of the Jellyco, a struggling

Captain Timothy squeaked out one last command before he died from being the target of

several sexually frustrated gorillas. "Deploy -ack- the main -urf- weapon..." At once, Darth

Jacques sent a transmission to the Strowbridge.
On the bridge of the Strowbridge, a

Borg drone that had been dancing for no particular reason straightened up as he received a

transmission. It set out at a run for the hangar bay, and boarded a shuttle, heading over to

a certain part of the galaxy. After leaving a message in that sector, Weyoun headed back,

and made his way back to the bridge. Upon his arrival, Dalton accosted him. "Well, well,

well, where have you been?" "Nowh were. i was in hte cafeteria getting stoned." "Oh. Ok,

move along. And don't get stoned here."
But as Dalton finished saying that, another

ship burst into view in front of the Strowbridge. Its nameplate bore the name Cock Rocket,

and as soon as it was within firing range, it opened fire on the Strowbridge with a gigantic

can of spray paint. The bridge windows soon choked up with things like "Pablo Sanchez sucks

cock!," "I am a master Hax0r extreme, and soon I will own this ship!"

Deep in the

cargo hold of the Strowbridge, two slicers sat around a viewscreen, watching the antics of

this Cock Rocket. After a while, one, known as Cybernetic Crow, spoke up. "Well, Phong, what

should we do this guy? I think that it would be kind of humiliating for him if we sent him

Back Orifice." The other slicer, Phong Nguyen, replied. "Naah, that's too advanced, even

for him. What's he running?" The first slicer replied. "America Online on top on Windows

95." "AOL, huh? Oh, that's just great. Crow, I'm going to get the Cleaners together for an

assault on AOL HQ. You just stay here and hold this idiot at bay." "Ok, no problem, Phong."

In the hangar bay of the Strowbridge, LT. Hit-Man was gathering the Cleaners

together. "Ok, listen up Cleaners. This is going to be a direct assault on AOL headquarters.

A commando strike by us should immobilize their framework enough that half the trolls around

here will dissipate. I will be taking the Fearmeister. Anyone who doesn't want to come,

raise your hand." They all looked uncomfortable, but nobody raised their hand... except for

an ensign who, busy scrubbing the walls with a toothbrush, didn't notice that his hand was

raised. At once, the LT. walked over to him, inspecting the name badge he wore. "Well. Chris

O'Farrel." Hit-Man switched on his forehead laser sight, planting it square between the

unlucky ensign's eyes. "As I recall, you attempted to steal the Fearmeister not too long

ago. You then proceeded to mess up the paint job on several of the Corvettes, namely Cleaner

5. Then, to add insult to injury, YOU STOLE OUR BEER!" By now, Chris was quaking under the

fury of Hit-Man, who started to evilly grin. "Well, first I'll just have you lick the hull

of the Strowbridge clean. And it had better be done by the time I get back from kicking the

ass of AOL, or you'll be even sorrier."
The Fearmeister lifted out of the hangar bay

quietly, and began to streak by the Cock Rocket. A blast of paint lanced out of the Cock

Rocket, striking the Fearmeister directly on the wings. Hit-Man ignored it, knowing that his

attacks were useless on the trollship, and made the jump to hyperspace.

Five hours

later...

Chris O'Farrell looked at the hull of the Strowbridge with disgust. He

had licked all but five square meters of it clean, and was about to retch from the space

boogers. As he looked at it, he remembered for the umpteenth time how little protected he

was. He was only wearing a vacuum suit, minus the helmet, and had a magnetic atmosphere

containment field generator strapped to his belt. As he grudgingly began to finish the job,

a modified TIE Phantom came blasting over his head, shaking him badly. He shook his fist at

the Phantom, which then came around and blasted his arm off. Just then, his comm buzzed, and

Kyle's voice came over it. "I don't care about your arm. Just finish the job!" Gritting

his teeth, he pressed a button on his suit and beamed up to the Sovereign-class USS Insult

II, NCC 70456-A.

Deep in AOL Headquarters, LT. Hit-Man, Dalton, and Phong were

battling a swarm of troll drones that had materialized out of nowhere. Within several

minutes, the trolls were all piles of steaming shit. Phong pulled out his Mallet of Doom Mk.

II, and began malleting servers while the LT. chopped up several troll guards.

On

the bridge of the Strowbridge, Admiral Sheppard watched as the Cock Rocket began slowly

powering down. Obviously, the Cleaners were doing their job. "Gunnery Commander Kynes, open

fire on the Cock Rocket with the main logic cannon, full power." "Aye, aye, sir." A beam,

several meters wide, lanced out from the tip of the Super Star Destroyer, catching the Cock

Rocket amidships, and cutting it in two. Finally, the Rocket's spam core detonated,

obliterating several space mice along with all on board. The Admiral watched the fireball,

then turned his attention to Weyoun. But he quickly discovered that Weyoun had left again.

A Lambda-class shuttle arrived in alt.hackers.malicious, and the lone occupant,

Weyoun, hopped out. "Hey! Rory! Raoul! I've got a job for you guys!" The two trolls stopped

fighting, turned around, and walked over to Weyoun. "What's the job?" "I want you two to

have a look at ASVS. Cock Rocket's already over there trolling, and it would be easy

pickings for you two." The two trolls looked at each other, then at Weyoun. "Cock Rocket,

huh? We'll be there."

Dexter's Empire
Chapter 10

"Lt. Hit-Man's Log,

Stardate 49024... no... wait...
WHAT THE KRIFF?!"

On the bridge of the

Galaxy-class USS Enterprise, Picard watched unmovingly as text began to scroll on the main

viewscreen.
"In a galaxy very, very, very, very far...
If you can read this, you

don't need glasses."

The viewscreen flashed brightly, revealing a thirty-two foot

long ship cruising along. Data looked up at the ship, and promptly said, "Captain, it

appears to be a 1987 Winnebago motorhome. With wings. And rocket engines." The HoloSpock

promptly comments. "That is most illogical, Mr. Data."
The bridge viewscreen flashes

again, this time revealing a... human face. Pressed against it. After several seconds of

making gasping sounds, it spoke. "Picard, I need your help!" "What now, Q?" "Well,

actually..." Q materializes on the bridge, and points out of the viewport. "they need your

help." Picard looks at the screen, seeing a large, ugly-looking ship heading straight for

them. "What, that ugly ship?" "No, mon captaine, that." Picard looks again, this time seeing

the large, ugly ship several kilometers closer. "What? What do you mean?" Finally, Q snaps

his fingers in desperation, and points again. "THAT." "What? All I see is a big green ship."

"Mon captaine, will you please look off to the side?" Picard complies, and turns his head,

then turns it back just as quickly as a ten-foot-tall, green-glowing chicken walks out of

the turbolift, a woman with a whip riding it. "Giddap, slave!"
Picard, exasperated,

turns his back to Q, and drops his pajamas. "NO! Mon captaine, NO!" In a flash, the captain

puts his pants back on. "What, Q? Did I offend you?"

Several hundred thousand

kilometers away...

A seventeen-kilometer long, dagger-shaped ship drifted through

space, apparently derelict. Admiral Sheppard slowly looked up from his command chair on the

bridge. "Ensign Jimmy, how's the repair job coming? The older ensign checked his datapad.

"All pretty well. Ensign Chris O'Farrell cleaned most of the hull as per El Tee's orders,

but then he left for some reason." Sheppard looked up with interest, and the ensign

continued. "We're still having problems cleaning the graffiti off of the bridge viewports,

but apparently Cock Rocket never realized that we have a backup viewscreen." As soon as Jim

finished saying that, the comm buzzed. "This is Gunnery Commander Kynes. Sheppard, I've got

some news for you, but first you should take a look at the Death Star." Sheppard swiveled

rapidly in his chair. "Lieutenant, put the Death Star on screen." There was a moment of

static as the camera focused, then cleared. Sheppard gasped at the sight. "What the kriff

are they doing? Comm, patch me through to Darth Vader."

"Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep..." The sound of a busy signal permeated the bridge. Finally,

it rang. "Buzz... We're sorry, the number you have called has been disconnected. Please

check your number and try to call again." Sheppard brought his fist down in frustration,

managing to hit an errant mynock in the process. "Then get me Moff Jerjerrod." Sounds of a

choking person were heard over the intercom. "Jerjerrod? Exactly what is going on over

there? Jerjerrod? MOFF! Comm, get me a visual." The holographic viewscreen reappeared, and

it showed the prostrate form of Moff Jerjerrod, with Darth Vader standing over him, and

wearing a thin, black silk shirt with red flowers on it underneath his cape. "Apology

accepted, Moff Jerjerrod." Sheppard turned his attention to Vader. "Vader, what is the

meaning of this?" Vader turned around, a half-eaten Tribbleburger in one hand, the other

hand holding a set of Ewok Fries. "Yes, Admiral?" Sheppard looked at him for a minute, and

Vader returned the favor. Finally, the video cut off abruptly, and the view changed to the

outside of the Death Star. A horde of construction droids were swarming over it, fitting it

with mirror panels. Finally, Sheppard spoke again. "Ok Kynes, you were saying?" "Um, sir,

um... well here's Threepio. He'll tell you." The viewscreen switched to an internal view

of the Falcon, with a large furry arm shoving the golden protocol droid forward. "B-b-b-but

Sir!" "Just say it, Goldenrod!" "Uh... Greetings, Admiral Sheppard. I am See- Threepio,

human-" "Just get to the point." "Um... yes, as I was saying, it would appear that the Death

Star is being turned into a mirrored ball."
As Sheppard stared at the Death Star, the

final mirror panel was put into place, and Disco Inferno began blaring over all of the

subspace frequencies. Finally, he realized what Vader was doing. The Death Star now became

an even deadlier weapon, with the power to incapacitate ships anytime, anywhere.

Back on the Enterprise-D, Q suddenly snapped his fingers as the disco began blaring over the

Galaxy-class ship's comm system. In an instant, the entire bridge crew was dressed in silk

shirts. Q stood up, dressed in a flared suit, and began to disco.
Data was the last one

to start. He hit the comm quickly, and called Starfleet HQ. "Admiral Jellico, we've got an

interesting thing happening here." The Admiral slowly started to dance. "I can hear it. All

ships, prepare to strut on my command."

On board the Spaceball 1, Dark Helmet was

attempting to resist the urge to disco. "Must... resist... must... leave..." Just at that

moment, the DeLorean went flying past at a high speed, and Sandurz, seeing it, shouted.

"Princess Vespa's car -I mean ship- is almost in range." Helmet looked out at the

approaching car. "Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose."

In the DeLorean, Doc

cranked the wheel hard as several laser blasts streaked by. Jennifer, in the back seat,

began to panic. "What was that?" Doc crisply responded. "You just worry about the flux

capacitor, Princess." "Since when did Jennifer become a princess?" Marty turned his head

around to look at Jennifer, and did a double-take as he saw her dressed in a flowing white

robe. "I don't know, Marty. OH!" The car rocked from another blast, and she was thrown

backwards.

On a Borg Cube that somehow appeared nearby, the Borg Queen stood

looking at the battle. "Careful, you idiot, I said ACROSS her nose, not up it." Drone 3 of 5

looked back at her. "I believe that you used the wrong line." "Of course I used the wrong

line! That's supposed to be funny!"
Across the chamber on the Borg ship, a drone

formerly known as Lt. Saavik stood motionless, her Borg implants keeping her from moving.

"Humor. A difficult concept."

On the Death Star, Darth Vader looked with

indiscernible amusement at the wacky space battle. Suddenly, a hologram of Dark Helmet

appeared in front of him. The two stood there, just looking at each other for many minutes.

"You-"
"What?"
"Huh?"
"Impostor!"
"Impostor!"
"What?"
"Huh?"

"I was first, impostor!"
"In the Imperial Navy, you would call me Idiot. I mean- you

know what I mean."
"I do?"
"Yes!"

Vader tries to choke Dark Helmet, just as

Dark Helmet tries to fire his green ray at Vader.

"Come on, you're supposed to

collapse!"
"Well so are you!"
"You first!"
"No, you!"
"I insist. I'm

supposed to collapse."
"Well so am I."
"Go on, collapse!"
"No, you first!"

Finally, the two give up. The hologram of Helmet walks over, and shakes hands with

Vader. Vader jumps back, grasping his hand, just as Helmet (rolling in laughter) vanishes.

Finally, Darth Vader opens his hand, to reveal an Acme Model 14S Palm Buzzer.

Dexter's Empire
Chapter 11

A lone Federation shuttle streaks into one

of the Death Star's hangar bays. It lands, and a stormtrooper team walks over toward it. "I

want a scanning crew in here on the double!" The lieutenant shouts the command over the

intercom.
Over fifty technicians walk into the hangar bay, carrying a gigantic

Hewlett-Packard.
The lieutenant walks over, rather miffed. "Ok, so what is the meaning

of this?"
The lead technician answers. "You asked for a scanning crew, sir."
"Very

well, carry on. I had no idea that the Ubiqtorate refitted you guys."
The scanner is

set down, and a tractor beam is used to lift the lone Voyager shuttle onto its open glass

screen. With a loud whirring of gears, the lid closes, and the lead technician walks over,

pressing the Scan button.

Inside the shuttle, several people sat cross-legged in

the space where the warp core used to be.
Leia cocked her head, then turned to Luke.

"What's that funny noise?"
Luke reached out with the Force, and responded. "We're

being scanned."

After several minutes of making whirring noises, the scanner spits

out a sheet of flimsiplast, imprinted with a copy of the bottom of the shuttle.

Back on the bridge of the Strowbridge, Grand Admiral Sheppard watched as another wormhole

appeared, sucking the Strowbridge, the Death Star, the Honeycomb Field, the USS Enterprise,

and just about everything in the Bajoran System in.

"Damage report."
"Sir, all

weapons are offline. Everything else checks out normal."
"Location."
"Sir, we

appear to be in orbit of 20th century Earth."
"Oh."

Sheppard looks out the

bridge viewport, and sees that the Honeycomb field has settled into a crude orbit of Earth.

Just then, a ten-kilometer asteroid heads for the Strowbridge.
"FIRE THE SUPERLASER!"

"Umm... sir? We don't have a superlaser!"
"Well fire it anyway!" The green

superlaser beam lances out from the nose of the Strowbridge, obliterating the asteroid.

Meanwhile, on Earth, a battle was raging. General Merk Sheppard looked over the

plain at his army of mermen, who were advancing on Bangladesh. Suddenly, as they approached

the country's border, a giant steel wall rose out of the ground. Force-fields snapped into

being, and the country's Infinite Improbability Drive pushed it out of the crust, into

orbit. The army of mermen instantly changed into an army of cows, who immediately began

grazing.

"Captain Picard! There is a new contact coming from Earth!" Ensign

Nameless shouted over the din of Red, Yellow, Green, and Purple Polka Dot alerts that were

blaring on the Enterprise's bridge.
"On screen, Ensign Nameless."
"On screen."

The view changed from a view of blank space, to a view of the Bangladesh Orbital Platform.

"Magnify, Ensign Nameless."
The computer chimed a response. "Magnifying Ensign

Nameless." Then, the viewscreen began to show a gigantic view of the ensign, starting from

the feet up.
"No, not that! Magnify the BOP!"
"Magnifying." A holographic Romulan

BOP was shown, and it whizzed over the ducked heads of the bridge crew.

"WHAT THE

KRIFF IS GOING ON!?" Grand Admiral Sheppard tried to shout girlishly over the din of

exploding cream puffs, but only succeeded in getting one of the french maid bridge crewmen

to turn around.
"Gunnery Commander Kynes, I demand an explanation to this!"
Kynes

looked down at himself, and quickly grabbed a towel that had materialized nearby, to cover

himself up. "Admiral, it appears that the Bangladesh Infinite Improbability Drive managed to

somehow combine realspace with Otherspace!"
"Is there any way to shut it down?"

"No. That's infinitely improbable, due to the nature of the drive."
"Can we do

ANYTHING?"
"Well, we can try to fire the superlaser at it..."
"Then do so by all

means!"
The superlaser charged up, and a high-pitched squeal was heard throughout the

ship. Finally, as a tech pressed the button marked "FIRE," the sound of a flushing toilet

was heard. On the bridge, panic ruled.
"What was that?"
"What?"
"That

flushing toilet."
"Oh, that. Just Wayne Poe using one of the refreshers."
"Well

tell him not to eat so much."
"Yes, Admiral."

The superlaser barrel jerked

back, and a brown wad went sailing towards the BOP. "Ensign Jimmy, what was that?"

"Huh? Oh, you told me to fire the superlaser. Due to the influence of Otherspace, the

superlaser has been turned into a crap cannon."

Dexter's Empire
Chapter 12

"I see everything now. Seven of Nine's undies-"
"What? Let me see that!"

Two stormtroopers, their armor a brilliant pink, sat hunched around a viewscreen that was

somehow displaying a view of the former Borg's quarters. Just at that moment, though, it

displayed Luke Skywalker walking into view. Seven walked up, kissed him on the lips, and

began to take off her shirt. But Luke put up his hand, and told her to stop. The

stormtroopers watched eagerly as he pulled out his lightsaber...
...and sliced through

whatever was displaying the picture. But the audio was still on.
The first stormtrooper

looked dejected. "Aww, now I can't see a thing."
The two looked at the viewscreen,

which was only displaying static. But after a minute, they pressed their ears against it,

listening to what was happening.
Luke's voice came over first. "Mara Jade? I

thought..."
"You don't need to think. Just come close."
Seven interrupted. "Look,

lady, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but get away from my guy."

"YOUR guy? He's my husband!"
A crunching metallic sound came over the speakers, and

then a dull thud. The snap-hiss of a lightsaber igniting promptly followed.
"Like I

care, so suck it!" Another thud followed.
"No, YOU suck it!" The sound of a lightsaber

swiping through air broke the eerie silence.
"Watch where you point that thing!"

Another swipe, and then static.

In the meantime, a badly damaged DeLorean

crash-landed in fighter bay 1154 of the Disco Star (formerly the Death Star), smashing into

a parked TIE fighter and causing it to explode. Immediately, two stormtroopers, both wearing

Ewok costumes, ran up, grabbing Jennifer off the deck and placing binders on her. They then

quickly walked off.
Inside the DeLorean, Marty was rubbing his head. Just then, the

sound of stormtroopers pounding on the door with corn dogs could be heard. Marty reached

across, shaking the white-haired scientist. "Doc! Doc! We've got to get out of here!"

Doc looked up, and shook his head a couple of times. "Marty, I want you to pop the door and

get out on the count of three. One... two... THREE!"
The doors flew up, hitting the

stormtroopers in the head, and sending them flying backwards across the deck. Marty grabbed

his hoverboard and started running, closely followed by Doc. "Hey, Doc! Where to?"
"I

don't know- just go anywhere!"
Immediately, Marty began running toward a turbolift,

and pressed the button marked "Anywhere". The turbolift shot in some random direction, and

finally the doors opened... on a wintry blizzard scene.
The Doc peered out into the

blizzard. "What gives, Marty?"
Marty shouted over the howling wind. "Santa Claus?"

At that point, two giant accordion-spring mounted boxing gloves appeared behind the two

men, ejecting them into the blizzard.
"Hey Doc!"
"What?"
"I can't see!"

"Well neither can I!"
"Hey Doc!"
"What?"
"You hear that?"
"Hear what?"

"That!"
Slowly, the sound of several third-graders arguing could be heard,

accompanied by the sound of several hundred stampeding cows. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

You bastards!"
Doc got to his feet, squinting out into the white blizzard. "Great...

Scott! Marty, get down!"
"Why?" Just then, Marty got flipped in the air, and landed on

the back of a cow.
Doc snorted. "See?" But then, the same happened to him. "Whoaaaaa!

Help!"
As if it wasn't bright enough, a blinding flash occurred, and the herd found

itself back on a corridor of the Disco Star.

Kyle looked up, only to see Cartman

swallow an entire cow. "Cartman?"
Cartman burped loudly, and then firmly responded. "I

am Darth Cartman, and you _will_ respect my authoritah!"
"Ohh shit! STAN!"
"Damn,

Kyle! I'm calling the Worschester Sauce Hotline!"
"Why? This ain't the zombie

episode!"
"I know!"

Dexter's Empire
Chapter 13

In the meantime,

Darth Vader walks off a shuttle, toward Ralph Nader, who is
standing nearby. Nader

immediately begins grasping at his throat, and falls
down dead. "Apology accepted,

Candidate Nader."
Nader's corpse sat back up. "What apology?"
Vader promptly

responded. "I killed you, so go ahead and die already!"

As soon as Nader dies, a

man, wearing a blue suit and carrying a slim
briefcase walks in.
"Gordon Freeman,

in the flesh. I have relieved you of your weapons- after
all, they were government

property."
Freeman turns around quickly, the RPG still on his shoulder. "What?"
At

that point, Freddy interrupts. "Oh, so you're the one behind this!"
The G-Man turns

toward him. "And who are you?"
"I am Freddy the Magnificent, Keeper of... aww, shit.

Someone gave me the
wrong script!"
Quiet chuckles are heard coming out of a nearby

vent shaft. The G-Man
continues.
"Well, as I was saying... what was I saying? Ahh,

yes. I am G-3PO,
human-cyborg relations... damn, that can't be it!"
At that point,

Thelma speaks up. "Why is everybody talking this way?"
Freddy chimes in. "Yeah,

something's very fishy around here."
They all speak in unison. "It must be a

conspiracy!"
Scooby walks over, and points toward a piece of paper lying on the ground.

It reads:

Rear Characters:

My apologies ror rhe random runacy. Rhings

have been hard on me lately,
erecially my alter ego. Rus, the Microsoft Word rell-recker

is acting up
again. Ranyway, if rhou want roo rolve rhis mystery, rook ror an old

RHYT-1300 reighter in the Mutara Nebula.

Rigned, rhe rauthor.

Freddy,

Thelma, and Daphne all look at each other, confused. "Who's the
author?"
A voice

again booms out of nowhere. "I am! Oh shit, never mind!" Quiet
rustling sounds are heard

coming from the ventilation duct. Then, a loud
clang could be heard, followed by rapid

gunfire. The gunfire ceased for a
second, and then resumed, louder than ever. Loud

squeaking and chattering
noises came through the vent, and a man screamed. "MEDIC!"

Daphne looks up at the sign hanging above them. "Hmm. Black Mesa Research

Facility?"
Just then, a team of scientists run past, apparently in a very big

hurry.
"Get to Lambda Sector while you can!"
"What the heck?" Freddy looked at the

passing scientists, just as the vent
grille burst open from behind, edges smoking from

blaster fire. A very
dishevelled man stepped out. He wore the bullet-resistant vest of a

security
guard, a pair of heavy jeans, and a Marine's helmet.
"Who are you?"

"I'm the author. Or, more correctly, was the author."
"What happened?"
"My alter

ego, Crayz9000, went evil and took control."
"Why?"
"I dunno. This is no time to

ask, anyway!"
Just then, Kyle, Darth Cartman, Kenny, and Stan go running past, pursued

by
several headcrabs. A headcrab jumps on Kenny, promptly turning him into a
zombie.

"Oh my God! They headcrabbed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!"

The people in the hangar

bay of the Strowbridge watched with fear as LT.
Hit-Man briskly strode past, boots

pounding on the metal deck. He was
smiling, which only made the hangar crew more

uncomfortable. The only time
that the LT. smiled was... well, nobody had ever come back

alive. But one
person was oblivious to the LT.'s approach, and continued to spit-polish

the
Fearmeister. Hit-Man waited for several seconds, then tore the headphones
off

Chris's ears. "GET AWAY FROM MY SHIP!," he shouted into the crazy
clone's ear. The

clone paid no attention, and a collective gasp was heard
from the bridge crew. LT.

Hit-Man turned around, in his best Jim Carrey
impression, and said, "Clones today.

They're so indifferent." Then he
grabbed the clone with his droid arm, spun it around,

and placed his laser
sight right between its eyes. Still, the clone didn't flinch. So

Hit-Man
punched a button on his commlink, and a droid rolled up with a cage. Then,

the LT. grabbed the unfortunate clone by the crotch, in the classic
Spaceballs

style, and unceremoniously dumped it in the cage. He pressed
another button on his

commlink, and the cage was placed in the cargo hatch
of the Fearmeister. Two more cages

followed, one empty, the other holding a
masked figure. Finally, the top hatch of the

starfighter slammed shut, just
as LT. Hit-Man boarded it. Slowly, the starfighter rose

on its
repulsorlifts, and cruised out of the hangar bay.

On the USS Jellyco,

Captain Jones was watching a pr0n flick of two guys
screwing a dolphin on the main

viewscreen when a dull thud came across the
ship.
"Ensign Nameless, what was that?"

"God Emperor Jones, that was us ramming the Fearmeister."
"Good. Then the accursed

Hit-Man must be dead."
A rending of metal could be heard, and the viewscreen exploded

in a tangle
of metal, glass and wires. Through the opening strode LT. Hit-Man, an icy

cold look on his face.
"Well. LT. Hit-Man. I never thought you would get the guts

to come here and
fight me like a chicken."
There was no response from the

stormtrooper, who simply continued on. In
the meantime, Timmy kept talking.
"Oh

yeah, did I tell you that I have Q on a leash? He'll come to rescue me
anytime I snap

me fingers like this." He snapped his fingers, and the evil
genie Jafar appeared next to

him. Timmy just sat there, grinning, but slowly
turned around when Jafar cleared his

throat.
"Um... hi... wait... gotta go!" Timmy took off at a run, but stopped dead

in his tracks as Jafar simply pointed at him, and a giant doggie-leash
appeared.

Then a giant anvil fell out of the sky, turning the unfortunate
Timmy into a pancake.

Jafar looked at it, and the anvil vanished. But before
Timmy could un-pancake himself, a

10 ton weight fell out of the sky,
punching him straight through the floor and into the

brig.
In the meantime, LT. Hit-Man walked up to Jafar, shook hands with him, and

then proceeded to the brig while Jafar vanished. Once he reached the brig,
the

stormtrooper chucked the weight at the wall, peeled Timmy off the floor,
and placed him

into a Osterizer blender that he had pulled out of a wall
alcove. Chuckling to himself,

he grabbed the blender, turned it on for
several seconds, and then set back to the

Fearmeister.

(Intermission?)

Loud cheers could be heard across a forest

clearing. And what a strange
sight it was. The Podracing stands from Tatooine stood at

one end of the
clearing, and Q, now disguised as Boss Hogg, stood in the grandstand.

Spread
out across the rest of the field was a motley collection of vehicles from

across the universe. Finally, Q spoke.
"Today, we're going to have the First

Annual Intergalactic Podrace! In
first position, as the former champ, is Sebulba of

Tatooine."
Sebulba promptly threw a hydrospanner at Q, who ducked under the missile.

"I AM the champ!"
Q just ignored it and continued. "In second position is the

Dynamic Duo of
Hazzard County, driving a modified Dodge Charger, the General Lee."

A bright orange car with a Confederation flag painted on the roof came
flying over a

dirt ramp, landing perfectly in its spot.
"In third place is Hazzard County Sheriff

Roscoe, driving a Dodge Patrol
Car." He turned around, and whispered into a CB radio.

"Roscoe, is the
secret additive ready?"
"Sure, Boss, the nitroglycer-something tank

is in place."
"DON'T MENTION IT!"
"Sorry, Boss."
Q turned back to the crowd.

"In fourth place is that great green van right
from the 60's, the Mystery Machine.

Groovy, baby!" This time, there was no
interruption.
"In sixth place are the

Dominican Shout Troopers. These girls-"
Q was interrupted as the Shout Troopers, in

their brown habits, all got up.

"Oh, it makes me want to
SHOUT!
Come back

on again and
SHOUT!
Come on now,
SHOUT!
Come on now,
SHOUT!"

Q looked at them. "Are you finished yet? Good. Anyway, as I was saying, in

Seventh Place are the Imperial Scout Troopers. These are the idiots who kept
running

into trees on Endor-"
At that point, one of the scout troopers grabbed his blaster, and

began
firing at Q.
"Now, now, calm down. You can't possibly hurt me."
Then,

all of the Scout Troopers opened fire. Q waved his hand, and a heavy
transparisteel

panel appeared in the way. "May I continue? Very well. In
Eighth Place is Tom Paris with

the Delta Flyer II!"
Loud boos erupted from the grandstand, and a hail of rotten

tomatoes pelted
the Delta Flyer. "Please, Warsies! Calm down! Now, I was saying that in

Ninth Place is the Teletubby Express..." Even louder boos erupted from the

grandstand, and Q cleared his throat. "No, correction. I mean that in Ninth
Place is

Ben-Hur with... hmm, Anakin Skywalker's podracer? Oh well. In Tenth
Place is Biff

Tannen in his '47 Ford! And, last but not least, in Eleventh
Place is Marty McFly, on

an Imperial Speeder Bike! Now, it's time to head to
the betting booths and place your

bets as to who will win! Betting ends in
one hour, so get those bets in!"
Q waited

for a second, and then sped up time for a while. "Ok, the betting
time is up! The race

will begin in three... two... one... GO!"

All dozen contestants jumped forward, but

the Mystery Machine ground to a
halt within a few feet of starting. Freddy got out and

popped the hood, only
to be greeted by a stream of oil. "There has to be an explanation

to this!"
Then, Thelma walked up. "It must be sabotage!" Freddy poked his head back

into the Mystery Machine. "Come on, gang, there's a mystery to solve!"

Q began

his duties as announcer. "Oooh, looks like the Mystery Machine is
out of the race! Hey

wait! Freddy is out... they're coming this way! I think
they're going to be out of the

race for good." He turns to the live video
displays of the race-course. "Currently,

Sebulba is in the lead, with
Ben-Hur coming up behind him like a mynock on fire!"

On another part of the racecourse, the Dukes were going full-tilt against

Sheriff Roscoe. The Lee launched off a large dirt ramp and over a pond, and
drums

started beating.

"George,
George,
George of the Jungle,
Strong as he

can be,
George,
George,
George of the Jungle,
WATCH OUT FOR THAT-"

"Ahh-iee-ahh-iee-ahh!"

The drums stopped just as there was a muffled

whump, and the Dukes had a
face plastered across their windshield. Then the drums

started beating
again.

"car."

Sheriff Roscoe watched the Lee launch

off the ramp. Not intending to get
stuck in the pond like he usually did, he pulled on

the Nitro lever. His car
shot forward with a tremendous burst of speed, but he failed to

notice that
the Ewoks had released their logs. The patrol car spun around, and went

flying tail-first into the duckpond.

Back at the front, Sebulba and Ben-Hur

were busy ramming each other.
Finally, their pods got stuck together, and both looked up

to see a tree
directly in front. At the last second, Ben-Hur managed to free his pod,

with
the result of Sebulba's pod crashing directly into the tree. Neither tree
nor

pod came out alive.

Meanwhile, Paris was running the DFII virtually unopposed.

Well, not
really. The Shout Troopers had hitched a ride on the roof, and so they were

at a tie. Suddenly, the Delta Flyer's sensors flashed red. An AT-AT was
looming

directly in front of it, shooting at snowspeeders that somehow
appeared. Paris

instinctively jerked as the AT-AT's head turned towards him,
but it was too late.

Lightning coursed through the circuitry as the Delta
Flyer took a direct hit, sending it

into a downwards spin. It crashed into
the fluffy snow, and the unharmed Shout Troopers

picked up their bicycles
and went on their way.

Biff cruised along, oblivious

to everything around him as he listened to
50's music. But suddenly, something caught

his eye. Marty, on a Imperial
speeder bike.
"Hello McFly! Glad to see you could

drop in. Now drop DEAD!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
Biff cranked his car hard to the

left, intending to take out Marty.
Unfortunately for him, he forgot that Marty was

flying. The speeder bike
shot upwards, missing the fallen log which clipped off the

Ford's
windshield.
"McFly, you're going to pay for that!"
"Hey Biff! You're

the ass who ran into that tree! Oh yeah, look out in
front of you!"
Biff quickly

turned his neck, just in time to see a manure truck backing
up. Right straight for him.

"See you later, Biff!"
"AAHHHH!"

Back in the grandstand, Q watched the

progress of the remaining
contestants. "And now Ben-Hur's in the lead, with the General

Lee following
in a close second, after ditching the sheriff in a duckpond, and slamming

into George of the Jungle! The Imperial Scout Troopers are now disqualified,
since

the Ewoks booby-trapped the racetrack! Marty McFly, though, is trying
his best to

overtake the General Lee. And following up are the Dominican
Shout Troopers! Oh, it's a

close race now! Ben-Hur is still in the lead, but
the Dukes and McFly are at a tie! No

matter what happens, it looks like the
Shout Troopers are still going to be the

runners-up! Here they come down the
home stretch! Oh my gosh, this can't be happening!

The Shout Troopers are
picking up speed! They are moving past the speed of sound!

They're
overtaking Ben-Hur! This is a change nobody expected! They are in the lead,

with Ben-Hur close behind! Ok, now it looks like the Dukes managed to hold
their own

against McFly! Five hundred meters... four hundred... three
hundred... two hundred...

one hundred... And the Shout Troopers win the
race, with Ben-Hur and the Dukes tied for

second place, and McFly coming in
third!"

The crowd erupted in cheers (and

boos) as the final contestants walked to
the awards booth. Back on the grandstand, Q

kept on talking. "And now we'll
talk with those people who didn't make it. First up,

Biff Tannen!"
Biff appeared on the giant screen, slimy from horse crap. Q took the

opportunity to speak. "So, Biff, what is your comment?"
Biff slowly spat some horse

manure out of his mouth. "I... hate... manure!"
Q turned around. "Well, there you have

it, folks! Now, back to your regular
scheduled random lunacy."

Dexter's Empire

Chapter 14

"Hello, Timmy. My name is Jimmy, the Mercenary Banana."
"Huh?"

"We're in a blender. And you have a glock pointed at you."
"So?"
The blender

was shaken, and Timothy came out as a red splotch on the floor. The blob immediately

straightened itself, and rose to LT. Hit-Man's eye level.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?"

"Kriff you, Timmy!"
"I ASKED A QUESTION!"
At that point, the LT pulled out a

Ghostbusters gluon gun, and turned it on. The unfortunate paste that was Timmy was sucked

into it, and then the LT walked over to an airlock and chucked it out.
"WAAAAH!"

Timmy's voice carried across the vacuum of space with a... resounding clang?
"LT.

Hit-Man to the bridge. Lock all tractor beams on a red blob, and put it in a containment

cell. I'm not done with it yet."
"Um... yes, sir!"

"Sir, we've figured out

what to do with all these tribbles."
"Well, what do we do with them?" The Death Star's

commanding commodore looked down at the midshipman in front of him.
"This." He pulled

out a ridiculously large blueprint, and spread it out across the table. "I call it the

TribbleLaser."
"What does it do?"
"It accelerates tribbles to hyperlight

velocities, giving them an immense energy charge. With the rate these things multiply, you

could destroy planets with the power of a hand blaster."
"Kind of like a Gauss rifle?"

"Precisely, only that tribbles are the projectile."
"Set to work at once. I want

you to replace half of every Star Destroyer's turbolasers if it works."
"Yes, sir."

***

"Sir?" Commander Data looked at his status displays. "There is an ISD

in weapons range."
Picard only glanced up from his cup o' tea. "Fire."
Phasers

lanced out from the NCC 1701-D, catching the Star Destroyer amidships.
"Sir, phasers

are having no effect. I'm reading... solid neutronium armor. Incoming!"
"Projectiles

are..." WHAM! "Hyperaccelerated Tribbles." WHAM!
The comm rang. "Cap'n, the hull canna

stand up to this kind of beating!"
"LaForge, enough of your Scotty impressions."

"Very well. But sir, I canna violate the laws of physics!"
"I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO!"

Suddenly, there was a flash, and Q (who else?) appeared on the bridge. "Mon

Captaine, I have received complaints about this universe, especially since the Empire has

started killing planets with Tribbles. It therefore behooves me to draw this to a close.

However, you will be spared." There was an even brighter flash, the bridge shook, lights

went out, several ensigns were killed, and the universe imploded.

FINIS

"Well... not exactly yet." Q turned around, to reveal the crew of the USS Enterprise,

sitting dead in space at the time of the second Big Bang. "You see, I simply hit the reset

button for the universe. It will... be rather interesting."
As he spoke, the Enterprise

was impacted by a proton shock wave, sending it spinning out of control. Q waved his hand,

and the ship was dumped several tens of millions of years in the future. "Bon voyage, Mon

Captaine." In the background, the ship can be seen careening towards a newly formed planet,

its stardrive section separating while the saucer crashes into the planet.

In the

Afterlife...
"Hey guys! Want to play another game of 'Pin the tail on Timmy'?"

Pablo Sanchez didn't even look up. "Oh, yeah, sure."
"Come on, guys!" Crayz9000

finally sat down, and began twiddling his thumbs.
LT. Hit-Man stepped out of the

shadows, a faint shadow standing beside him. "Wanna meet my new friend, guys?"

MKSheppard looked up at him. "Sure. Who is he?"
"He prefers to be called Diablo."

Meanwhile, in another section of the new universe...
"MUHAHAH! I am the

Emperor! MUHAHAH!" Dexter, arrayed in royal robes, stared down at the planet below. "You

will all bow before me! MUHAHAH!"
He laughed for several minutes, but then slowly

started crying. "I'm bored. Deedee?"

The End