I`ve still got one...

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

1. Your ass is never a factor in an interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
6. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
7. Chocolate is just another snack.
8. You can be president.
9. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
10. Foreplay is optional.
11. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
12. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
13. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
14. The world is your urinal.
15. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
16. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
17. You don't have to schedule sex, vacations, wearing that new outfit, etc., around your reproductive system.
18. Same work...more pay.
19. Wrinkles add character.
20. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
21. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
22. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
23. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
24. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
25. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
26. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
27. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
28. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
29. Going shirtless in public is perfectly acceptable.
30. No pantyhose.
31. One mood, all the time.

1 reason why a woman's life is better
MO

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

What Job Ads Wording Really Means

Competitive Salary - We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

Join our fast-paced company - We have no time to train you.

Casual work atmosphere - We dont pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required - Some every night and some every weekend.

Duties will vary - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail - We have no quality assurance.

Career-minded - Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person - If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told that the position has been filled.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience - Youll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

Problem-solving skills a must - Youre walking into perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills - Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization...........

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?
The Englishman piped up, B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham, he said.
Thats no use, Trevor said the speech therapist, Whos next?.
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley.
Thats no better. Therell be no wild sex for you either afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy?.
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, London.
Thats Brilliant, Paddy!, said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy wild sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry

***

Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.
So he sat down and wrote:
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM