Chuck Norris

I've just watched Chuck Norris in Actor's Studio, and i'm impressed by the number of critics towards him, if he's a fake or not. Now, this guy is one of my childhood heroes, and lots of things i've learned from his sayings, like "A true friend never separate you from a fight, he comes with a flying kick."

In your opinion what do you think about Chuck Norris. Is he the MAN? or simply a wannabe Bruce Lee?

Now I would like to know whether other nationalities are also starting to know about him and even starting to make jokes about him (mostly mockingly). And if you heard any good jokes please submit them.

Here are a few good ones I heard:

*When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

*Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than death can process them.

*Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, too bad he never cries.

*And Chuck Norris never sleeps, he waits.

Anything concerning Chuck and his antics is welcome.
I look forward to reading your replies. . .

Lol. While browsing throught the web, i've found the font of those lines. Lemme list a few more:

1Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

2There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

3Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

4The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

5There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

6Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

7The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

8Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

9Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.

10Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

Lemme give u my collection.

*Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

*Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

*Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

*Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

*What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

*Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide

*A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

*If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

*Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

*The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

*Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

*Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

*Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

*In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

*BEST ONE! Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

*Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

*Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

*The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

*2ND BEST ONE! In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

*Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

*3RD BEST ONE!Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

*When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

*Chuck Norris house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

*How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

*Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

*Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

*The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

*While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

*When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

*Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

*Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

*For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

*Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

*Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

*Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

*In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

*Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

*Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

*Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

*Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

*The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

*It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

*Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

*The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

*When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

*Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

*James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

*It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

*Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

*When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

*There is in fact an I in Norris, but there is no team not even close.

TO HELL WITH THE OTHERS, THIS IS THE BEST! ROFL!!:
*Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

*Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

*Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

*The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Saurons ass halfway through the first chapter.

*Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

*If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

*Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

*The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

*Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

*Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

*Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

*When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

*According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

*Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

*When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

*Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

*Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

*MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

*Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

*There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

*Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

*Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

*Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

*It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

*It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

*Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

*Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

*Chuck Norris invented the internet just so he had a place to store his porn.

*Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

*Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

*Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

*"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

*When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

*Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

*One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

*When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

*Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

*Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

*Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

*Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

*In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

*Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

*Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

*Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

*The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

*Chuck Norris sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

*Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

*Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

*Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

*Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

*Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

*Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

*Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

*Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of stunned bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

*Chuck Norris can taste lies.

*One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

*When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

*The only sure things are Death and Taxesand when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

*Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

*There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

*Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

*Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

*The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

*Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

*Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two were invited-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.

*Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

*Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

*When you say "noone is perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult, and roundhouse kick noone in the face.

*Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

*If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.

*Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

*Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

*Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

*When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

*Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

*Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

*Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

*The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

*Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

*Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

*Every time Chuck Norris smiles, one people dies. Unless he smiles while hes roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

*A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

*Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

*For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

*In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

*The 11th commandment is Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

*Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

*Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

*After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

*When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

*Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

*Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

*In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

*Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.

*Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

*When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.

*Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

*Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

*Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

*Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

*A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

*In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

*In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

*Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

*Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

*Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

*Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

*Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

*For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

*During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

*Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

*Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

*If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

*Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

*Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

*Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

*People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

*When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

*Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

*Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. Its actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because its simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

*Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

*Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

*Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

*Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

*Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

*There is no CTRL button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

*Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

*Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

*Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

*When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a minigun to shame

*When Chuck norris found this post while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one

*On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

*Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

*Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

*Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

*The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris

*When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

*When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

*Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

*When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

*Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his ladyjust before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

*Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

*If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

*Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

*Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

*Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb

Oh my god! i didn't knew such thing was possible! I DARE YOU TO DO MORE THAN THIS IN THE SPAM FORUM!! And cutting and pasting the post won't count.

I think i've breaked some post writing time as well, lol. These lines aren't my full collection, i've just picked the best ones. I had to read the full database, that's about over 900 lines.

I think i took over one hour to finish writing
Now u just wait to see my Mr. T collection

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Yup, it's amazing the amount of jokes of Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Vin Diesel and McGyver

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