10. Penile length contraction:
According to the relativistic theory of length
contraction, this is an inevitable consequence of performing sex at the speed of light. An
average penis of length 13cm traveling at 99% the speed of light will contract down to a
length of only 1.8cm (this is about the same length as the smallest functional penis
officially recorded). At the speed of light, length contraction leads to an interesting
paradox in which the penis seems to have no length at all, but is still managing to have sex
somehow.
9. Penile black hole formation:
At the speed of light, relativity also
predicts that the penis will attain infinite mass, essentially becoming a black hole. When
its owner realises that his penis has turned into a black hole, he will become profoundly
depressed and overcome by a feeling of loss. John Bobbitt would understand; but Mr Bobbitt
had his penis sewn back on, whereas a penis lost to a black hole is a penis lost forever.
8. Penis vaporisation:
If the penis is not lost to a black hole, it will be lost
to the uncaring force of friction. A penis traveling in and out of a vagina at close to the
speed of light will be subjected to enormous resistive forces. Since resistive forces are
proportional to speed, this will heat up the penis enormously. The temperature of the
resulting internal environment will be so high that the penis molecules will actually
undergo a phase transition into a gas, vaporising the penis almost instantaneously.
7. Relativistic flaming semen:
In the unlikely event that a vaporised penis can
perform ejaculation, then the relativistic semen will create enormous air resistance, burst
into flames almost instantaneously, and generate enormous impact forces. These forces will
be sufficient to pierce a small hole straight through a woman's lower torso, just like a
speeding bullet, only incinerating the surrounding tissue as it passes through.
6.
Time-dilated necrophilia:
Unfortunately, the woman will probably be dead before
ejaculation anyway. According to the relativistic theory of time dilation, then if the man
is to actually thrust in and out at a speed infinitesimally close to the speed of light,
then from his point of view, his partner will be ageing extremely quickly, and will be long
dead before he ejaculates. Legally, he will be committing necrophilia.
5. Lack of
visual appeal:
Time-dilated necrophilia, flaming relativistic ejaculation and penile
black hole formation are all very dramatic, but unfortunately they don't translate well
onto the big screen. In reality, relativistic sex would only last for a fraction of a
second, and would appear as a sort of muddy grayish white smudge, since the eye merges all
images together at such high speeds. This is probably not visually appealing enough to make
a porn-at-the-speed-of-light series out of.
4. Religious values:
Certain
branches of Christianity would view porn-at-the-speed-of-light immoral anyway. It's in the
Bible.
3. Property damage:
A penis is made up of a collection of charged
molecules, and accelerating charged molecules emit radiation. To accelerate charged penis
molecules up to the speed of light in a single thrust requires enormous acceleration. This
will produce a frequency and intensity of radiation similar to that produced by a small
nuclear explosion. It may be worth hiring out a hotel room if you don't want your own room
obliterated.
2. Deafening sonic booms:
As a penis accelerates up to the speed of
light, it will inevitably surpass the sound barrier, producing deafening sonic booms with
every inward and outward thrust. If the neighbours havent already been woken by your
moaning, they will be now. Or then again maybe not, because they will be conveniently
deafened and unable to hear you.
1. Excessive dietary requirements:
The amount
of energy required to accelerate an average person up to 99% the speed of light for a single
inward thrust is approximately equal to 16 million billion kilojoules. This is equivalent to
the amount of energy gained by consuming 78 trillion weetbix. But 78 trillion weetbix will
increase an average persons mass by approximately 1.2 trillion kilograms, requiring them to
eat even more weetbix just to accelerate this additional load up to the speed of light. Nine
out of ten nutritionists may recommend weetbix, but this is slightly more than the
recommended daily intake.
