I`ve still got one...

lol

PROGRAMMER: A device for converting coffee into software...

Bad Jokes

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees a record in the window of a charity shop 'Wasp noises from around the world'. Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it.
"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.
"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"
The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track. After a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused.
"No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?"
The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.
"It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps"
The assistant peers at the label of the record and says "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says: "Excellent! Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there was only a dog.
It was a shitzu.

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.".
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid.
The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel. Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

A wealthy man decided it would be fun to have himself cloned. The clone turned out to be an exact duplicate of the man, except that it spoke nothing but extremely profane language.
After several months of listening to this, the man got fed up, took the clone up into the mountains and went to the edge of a steep cliff. Looking around and not seeing anybody, he pushed the clone over the cliff.
Just then, a police officer stepped out from behind some bushes and said "I'm going to have to arrest you."
"What for?" the man asked.
"For making an obscene clone fall" replied the officer.

In the days of primitive tribes and grass huts, there was one tribe which was very warlike. They won many battles, and took control of many other tribes.
One of their customs when they beat another tribe was to take the most prized possession of the enemy's chief.
One time, after a particularly fierce battle they defeated a rich tribe, whose king had a prized solid gold throne.
Our warlike tribe took the throne, and put it in the loft in their chiefs house. Unfortunately, the throne was much too heavy to be kept in a loft in a grass house, and it fell right through the ceiling, onto the chief, killing him instantly.
The Moral of this story is...... People who live in Grass Houses shouldn't stow thrones!