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Do you know how copper wire was invented? Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

[SIZE=3]Actual HR Meanings:[/SIZE] "COMPETITIVE SALARY"We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"We have no time to train you. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up. "MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"Some time each night and some time each weekend. "DUTIES WILL VARY"Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"We ha…

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women lik…

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them. Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage. He says, "I'm still working on it." Two years pass by and no marriage. St. Peter again assures t…

Rules for Work 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supp…

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood. The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk. The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask ho…

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."Adam decided to to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Ada…

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.'' The interviewer was amazed. He s…

lol couldn't that thing break in a very uncomfortable minute? --- [SIZE=3]Store Signs[/SIZE] 1.Outside a muffler shop:"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." 2.Outside a hotel:"Help! We need inn-experienced people." 3.On a desk in a reception room:"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left." 4.In a veterinarians waiting room:"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!" 5.At the electric company:"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." 6.…

i better not comment^^ --- At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the…

roflrofl

A blonde is on a four-engine plane. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot comes on the radio and says, I'm sorry, our first engine has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes. Then there's another bang. Once again, the radio comes on and the pilot says the same thing except that the second engine shut down and that they'll be delayed nearly two hours. After that, the third engine shuts off and the pilot tells the passengers that they will be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the g…

loool

A woman and a baby were in the doctors examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. Breast fed, the woman replied. Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, No wonder this…

---------- This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbour and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbour says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud." So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The …

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man. "I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us i…

It's the year 2389, and Martian and earth couples are living peaceably side by side. One day, an earth couple and a Martian couple are having lunch and the subject of sex comes up. Because the earth couple has so many questions, the couples decide to swap partners for a week. A little later, the Martian man and the earth woman are alone in a bedroom, getting undressed. When the Martian is naked, the woman is surprised that his penis is only 1/2 inch long and a 1/2 inch wide. "Hold on," says the…

just guess... ---- A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing t…

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane. When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex. After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''