A spoof fanfic by Crayz9000
Dexter's Laboratory property of
Cartoon Network.
Star Trek property of Paramount.
Star Wars property of Lucasfilm
The Crocodile Hunter property of The Discovery Channel.
Super Mario Brothers
property of Nintendo.
Doctor Who property of the BBC.
2001: A Space Odyssey property
of... I don't know, Stanley Kubrick?
MechWarrior2 property of Activision.
WarCraft
property of Blizzard Entertainment.
Honeycombs property of General Mills.
Back to
the Future property of Universal.
"Got Milk?" is a trademark of The United Dairy
Council, or something like
that.
Radio Shack and the TRS-80 property of Tandy, Inc.
Thanks to Dodge, a division of Chrysler Motors, for use of a Viper.
The Dukes of
Hazzard property of Warner Brothers. Something like that.
Otherspace and the Daltonator
trademark property of Rob Dalton.
Spaceballs property of... I don't really know.
Home Alone property of some media giant.
AOL is the trademark of America Online.
Back Orfice was developed by the hackers of the L0PHT.
Hewlett-Packard is a
trademark of... you guessed it, Hewlett-Packard.
Imperial Disco is a fanfic by Chuck
Sonnenburg.
"And somebody died. Of gangrene." is a trademark of Spyda. I think so,
anyway.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is copyright... I dunno, anybody have
that book?
Half-Life property Sierra Studios and Valve, Inc.
Scooby-Doo property
of Hanna-Barbera Studios.
South Park property of Comedy Central.
Ben-Hur is property
of Metro-Goldwin-Mayer. Plus the deceased author of the
book.
George of the
Jungle... I can't remember who made the original cartoon.
Spy Hard... well, all I can
remember is that it starred Leslie Nielsen.
I think that's it.
No money is
being made off of this fic. It's just a spoof, after all.
Chapter 1
In a
secret lab underneath an ordinary-looking house, in an ordinary-looking neighborhood, an
experiment was about to take place.
At the sound of a crash, a boy soldering a piece of
delicate electronic equipment jumped and turned around.
"Deedee! What are you doing in
my laboratory?"
The girl in question walked over to a stand, where an object looking
like a television remote sat. "Oooh, what does this do?"
"NO! Don't touch that!"
The girl snatched it, and took off at a run. As she was running, though, she didn't notice
that she had knocked over a row of test equipment. A particularly heavy oscilloscope crashed
over, hitting a big green button on another console. With a whirr of machinery, a swirling
gate appeared in front of the heedless girl. She promptly ran through, followed by Dexter.
In the engineering section of the NCC-1701 E, currently near Deep Space 9, Wesley
Crusher was inspecting a plasma conduit, when Deedee and Dexter appeared out of midair,
landing with a thump on the deck. Geordi promptly ran over.
"Are you two all right?"
Without answering him, Deedee got up, and began running. Dexter tried to follow her,
but Geordi restrained him.
"Look. What happened?"
Dexter responded. "My evil
sister stole a piece of equipment that I was working on. I must get it back!"
Dexter
jumped up, and ran beneath the engineer's legs. The engineer looked in surprise, as Deedee
began running on the consoles with Dexter following. A second after Deedee hit a console, it
exploded, blackening Dexter. She finally ran into a turbolift at the far end of the room,
and the door shut in Dexter's face. When she was in the turbolift, she looked at the wall
charts.
"Ooh, look at all the funny names! Hmm, what's the transporter room?"
With a whirr, the turbolift came into action, and the door opened at the transporter room. A
security guard tried to stop her. "Halt! Who are you?" She immediately jumped over him,
landing on the transporter control console. The confused security officer began shooting
stun blasts with his phaser, knocking out the transporter technician and a few nameless
ensigns.
In the meantime, Dexter and Wesley ran into another turbolift. "Bridge."
The turbolift shot upwards, and Wesley introduced himself.
"My name's Wesley Crusher.
I'm really interested in technology and stuff. So who are you?"
The shorter boy turned
and looked up. "I am Dexter, boy genius, and I hate my stupid sister Deedee."
By the
time he had finished saying this, the doors shot open, and Captain Picard walked toward
them.
Dexter asked him, "Can you help me stop my evil sister? She's loose on this
ship." Picard started to respond, when the alarms started blaring.
"Red alert. Red
alert. Red alert."
"Oh kriff, never mind."
The command rang throughout the
hundred-mile wide battlestation.
"Commence primary ignition."
There was a loud
whine, which quickly dropped to subsonic frequencies. But just as a black helmeted soldier
pulled back on the firing lever, the battlestation was abruptly sucked into a wormhole. It
appeared on the other side, and obliterated a ring-like space station with the superlaser
before anyone could react.
Kira was looking out of the Defiant's viewscreen at
Deep Space Nine, which they had just undocked from. As she gazed at it, the ship's alarms
rang out, and the viewscreen flashed white before shutting down. A minute later, when it
came back online, all that was left where the station had been was lumps of metal and an
expanding gas cloud. "NO!" She broke down, weeping, for the place she had once called home.
The view switched to the thing which obliterated DS9. It was a massive, 160-kilometer space
station, with a crater-like cavity in the front.
The Millennium Falcon cruised
through hyperspace, toward its destination of Alderaan. The Jedi Knight, Obi-Wan Kenobi,
suddenly turns away and sits down, as if in shock. A blond-haired kid, who had been
practicing with a lightsaber and training remote, ran forward.
"Are you all right?
What's wrong?"
The old man replied. "I felt a great disturbance in the Force... as if
thousands of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."
He rubs his
forehead, and seems to drift into a trance. "You'd better get on with your exercises."
Several hours later, Han Solo is sitting in the cockpit of the Falcon. He notices a
small light flashing on the far side of the control panel.
"Looks like we're coming up
on Alderaan. Stand by, Chewie."
The ship lurches violently, startling the pilot. "Cut
in the sublight engines! Now!"
The mottled sky of hyperspace becomes the streaks of
starlines. He looks out at a strange stellar system.
"What the...? Aw, we've come out
of hyperspace in an asteroid field. It's not on any of the charts."
Luke comes running
into the cockpit. "What's going on?"
The startled smuggler responds. "I have no idea
where we are- we're not in any system the navicomputer has registered."
Another light
flashes on the control panel. "Another ship coming in."
Luke replies. "Maybe they can
tell us what happened."
Ben looks out at the small speck. "It's an Imperial fighter."
Dexter's Empire
Part Two
The USS Jellyco, an old Miranda refit,
cruised near the planet Irregula IV. Irregula IV had been smashed by several really big
asteroids millennia before, leaving it in a strange shape, from which it derived its name.
The planet, if you could even call it that, consisted of two disks at right angles to each
other, one with a hole in it. It looked like a sanitation fixture from 21st century Earth.
Suddenly, the main viewscreen of the Jellyco flashed to life. Captain Timothy
Moronis Jones snapped to attention, completely oblivious of the drool on his sleeve. A
medieval knight caught his attention.
"I am King Arthur, sent to avenge my brother whom
you murdered."
Jones was taken by surprise. "What brother? The only guy I killed was
some pillowhead known as Sheppard."
Arthur became enraged. "Sheppard was my brother,
you flea-ridden bag of monkey shit! I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a
hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries."
At his statement, a peculiar odor
began wafting around on the bridge.
Ensign No User piped up, "What's that smell?"
The science officer, Corporal Elim D. Garak, in the meantime, was gasping for breath from
the odor. "It... appears... to... be... emanating... from... Irregula... itself."
As
soon as he said that, he collapsed to the floor. Jones hardly batted an eye.
"Transporter room, this is the captain. Beam Garak down to sickbay."
Cries of laughter
were coming from the transporter room, so Jones repeated.
"I SAID BEAM GARAK DOWN!"
Suddenly, he felt himself gripped by the transporter. "What the...?" And he found
himself on board the medieval ship, surrounded by rats. "Where... Where am I?" A voice
boomed out from nowhere, surrounding the small room.
"You are in the dungeon of the USS
Strowass."
Now Jones was getting scared. "Who- Who are you?"
The voice replied. "I
am the ghost of Sheppard, come back to torment you for eternity. Now, shall we proceed with
the interrogation?"
As this was said, a shadow fell upon the wall, even though the
dungeon was pitch black. Suddenly, the dungeon was filled with a blood-red light, revealing
the speaker. It stood over seven feet tall, in a hooded black robe, and was carrying an
old-fashioned scythe from 17th century Earth. Sheppard threw back his hood, revealing two
reddish-glowing eyes, floating in midair. When this happened, Jones shitted his pants. But
the phantom continued forward. "You placed me in a 20th century prison, where I eventually
died. I never had the chance to complete the story I was writing, Imperial Phoenix." Jones
snorted. "Imperial Phoenix? What a piece of crap. My pet grasshopper could write a better
story." At that comment, the phantom's eyes turned deathly cold. Timothy wanted to piss his
pants, but his bladder was empty.
In an observation room in another part of the
ship, three men sat around a control panel, watching a viewscreen of Timothy's dungeon. The
first one turned to the second.
"Well, Hit-Man, your idea seems to be working. This is
more enjoyable than I thought."
LT. Hit-Man responded by turning to the viewscreen, and
turning several dials. "There. That should fix Jones."
The third one, who had been
sitting quietly in the back, commented on the scene. "Well, Jones really got himself more
than he bargained for, didn't he, Yates?"
Yates responded. "Sure thing, Sheppard. What
should I do to him now?"
Mark Sheppard looked at the viewscreen again. "Initialize
torture method Lambda-Omega-Zero. Heh, I just love those Federation holograms."
Dexter's Empire
Part Three
A 160 meter long, spoon-shaped ship was
meandering through the Delta Quadrant. As usual, it was not minding its own business. All of
a sudden, fifteen Borg cubes emerged from transwarp, chased by several Species 8472
bioships, plus a few Ferengi ships that got mixed up in the mess. As Captain Janeway of the
USS Voyager watched, one of the Ferengi ships was assimilated by a Borg cube, when then
promptly exploded from a hit by one of the bioships.
"We've got to save those Ferengi!
Paris, get the Delta Flyer ready. Seven, meet me in the shuttlebay."
A nameless ensign
piped up. "But what are you doing? The Delta Flyer is only a shuttle, and you're taking it
against fifteen cubes and those bioships?"
Janeway glared at him, and a console behind
him exploded, taking him out of his misery forever. Or so it looked. A Borg drone promptly
beamed aboard, and injected the hapless ensign with nanoprobes. Both then beamed back to the
cube.
The Delta Flyer left the shuttlebay, only to fly straight into a Ferengi ship
that was attempting to dock with Voyager. Miraculously, the shuttle was undamaged while the
Ferengi ship suffered a massive hull breach. With Janeway off the Voyager, Neelix took the
helm, promptly engaging the Voyager's warp drive as a blast from a Borg cube shot through
the space where it had been.
Oddly enough, a ship looking like a 4x4 with a boat
strapped to the roof appeared next to Borg cube #13. The cube tractored it in, and all was
quiet. Five minutes later, the ship shot out of the cube at speeds close to C, and promptly
headed for a Species 8472 bioship.
The USS Jellyco drifted aimlessly through space,
as Captain Timothy had been captured. Helmsman Jaul Pacques let out a bloodcurdling scream
for no apparent reason.
On the medieval ship, Mark Sheppard watched the viewscreen as
the small lifesign indicator in the corner turned to a straight line. Finally, Timothy was
dead. Or was he? He pushed a button on the console, and Timothy's body vanished in a cloud
of plasma.
There was a flash of light on the planet Irregula IV. A swarm of atoms came
together and coalesced into a body. The newly recreated body vanished in the mists of a
transporter, and appeared in a large, black chamber that didn't exist. A man in a
chartreuse Starfleet uniform floated, cross-legged, over the prostrate body of Jones. He
snapped his fingers.
A battle was raging around the ten remaining Borg cubes. The
Delta Flyer had docked with one of the Ferengi ships. Janeway offered to rescue them, and
then killed them when they refused. But as the Flyer undocked, the Jellyco appeared behind
it and turned it into a hood ornament. Seven injected nanoprobes into the hull, melting it
and gaining access to the Jellyco's bridge. Janeway indignantly tripped and fell onto Elim,
waking him up with a shock. He raised his head, only to smash it into the captain's
hindquarters.
A gate appeared behind the group, and two plumbers stepped out, one
with a green hat and the other with a red hat. Both were carrying strange-looking guns, and
one had fancy boots. They took one look at Elim and fired, degenerating him into a
chimpanzee. But as the guy with the green hat stopped firing, the beam swept across Janeway.
Even though it only fired for a fraction of a second, it was enough to turn Janeway into a
Neanderthal. She promptly pulled a wooden club out of nowhere, and began smashing in every
console on the Jellyco. Mario turned to the other plumber.
"Luigi, can't you ever
watch where you fire that thing? Look what you've done." He aimed at Janeway, attempting to
reverse the degenerative process. But that was not to be. All of a sudden, Q appeared in
front of the gun and took the blast. He morphed into a monkey for a second, and then turned
into "Super Q."
Dexter's Empire
Part Four
Near where Deep Space Nine
used to be, a dozen Borg cubes appeared, followed by the Species 8472 bioships, Voyager, and
the Jellyco. The ensign manning the Enterprise's scanner console looked in surprise at the
two lost Federation ships before the console exploded in his face.
In the
Enterprise's transporter room, Deedee was still running loose, followed by Dexter. But as
she touched one of the transporter pads, she immediately vanished in the mists, followed by
Dexter.
They appeared on board the Voyager. Deedee, waiting for Dexter, pointed the
remote-like device at Neelix and pushed the big red button. A bolt that looked like
lightning shot out, and Neelix promptly turned into a frog.
Suddenly, the Voyager
lurched. It had been caught in the Death Star's tractor beam.
In Death Star
fighter bay #1154, a telephone booth appears, and two men step out. One guy runs towards a
parked row of TIE fighters, chucking little parcels. The first TIEs explode violently,
while in the meantime, Darth Vader approaches the Doctor, who then jumps in the phone booth.
"Ace! No time to blow things up! Come on, let's get out of here!" He then jumps into the
phone booth and it vanishes.
By this time, the Voyager was inside the Death Star's
hangar bay. The main ramp opened up, and Chakotay came out, with a screen of ensigns around
him. A legion of 3PO protocol droids marched in, and clumsily opened fire. The ensigns
returned fire, cutting down the protocol droids with ease. Oddly enough, the droids were not
phased out of the continuum, but instead fell apart. Hordes of Ugnaughts promptly came in,
gathering up the pieces.
The stormtroopers had enough warning, and so brought in
several E-webs, which cut down any and all ensigns in the vicinity. Chakotay called back.
"Janeway, this is Chakotay. I'm out of ensigns. Can you demote some lieutenants and send
them out here?" The frog that was Neelix responded. "Ribbet. Ribbet. Ribbet." At that point,
Q cut in. "Um... it means to say that the ensigns are on their way." "Uh... Ok, thanks."
Twelve more ensigns run down Voyager's ramp, only to run straight into the muzzle of
an E-web.
About the same time, Han and Luke were rescuing Leia. They come running
around the corner, to where they left the Falcon. Except that the Voyager was sitting where
the Falcon used to be. So they dash out toward it, and Threepio gets hit in the chest by a
phaser blast. "Oh my! I've been shot!" Artoo twitters something, then starts dragging
Threepio towards the ship.
On the Voyager, a crisis was raging in Ten Forward.
Bowls of leola root stew go flying across the room, as Dexter and Deedee battle it out.
Neelix the frog jumps across, trying to get to shelter, and an inverted bowl lands on it.
Deedee remembers the little remote, and points it at Dexter. As she hits the Big Red
Button, Janeway appears directly in front, with Q floating off to the side. The blast hits
Janeway, and she turns into a mule, heading off toward the kitchen in search of fresh coffee
beans.
Timothy M. Jones re-materializes on the bridge of the Jellyco. Looking
around him, he sees that most of the crew is gone. Summoning his powers of illogic, he
concentrates and a new crop of ensigns appear on the bridge, still on the cob. The corny
ensigns then move to take positions at their respective consoles, which they discover
smashed in.
Dexter's Empire
Part Five
On the Jellyco, Timothy is
sitting in his toilet-shaped command chair, with Seven, who got left on board by Q,
struggling at the end of a leash, inside a force field.
"JONES! LET ME GO!"
"Never. You will soon learn to appreciate me."
At that comment, one of the ensigns
faints, even though it's impossible for a corn stalk to faint. Suddenly, a deep, haunting
baritone voice, with a heavy British accent, booms out of everywhere and nowhere at once.
"Jones, your time of judgement is at hand. Repent, or LT. Hit-Man will torture you for
eternity."
Timothy, who somehow got a tinfoil hat, sneered. "And who are you?"
One
of the ensigns volunteers. "God?"
Another responds. "No, something else. Maybe...
Roddenberry? Gene, is that you?"
The disembodied voice replies. "No to both of you. It
is I, the author, who is subjecting you to this random lunacy."
Jones got his
donkey-shit eating grin on his face. "So you are just a puny mortal."
The voice boomed
back. "Nay, I wield the full power of the author. I can subject you to any torture I desire.
All things in this fan fiction are controlled by me, including Q."
Timothy sneered back
again, completely unaware of the frilly pink ballet dress he was suddenly wearing. "Prove
it."
The voice boomed, louder than before. "Pray why do I have to prove it? As you
speak, I am manipulating your words. I am thinking about what you will say in response to
me."
Timothy put his snot-covered fingers in his ears and began humming the Barney
theme song loudly. "I love you, you love me, we're one big.." But before he could finish, a
giant, ten foot-long mosquito appeared out of thin air and ate him somehow, then vanished
just as quickly.
Several ensigns breathed a sigh of relief, but were immediately killed
by exploding consoles, even though all the consoles were dead, both figuratively and
literally.
Meanwhile, strange things were happening on the Death Star. The
Constitution-class USS Enterprise appeared inside one of the hangar bays, beamed a gigantic
pile of little furballs onto the deck, then disappeared. Another ship, this one having a
spherical bow, a long, triangular framework in the middle, and large stern with three ion
engines, appeared. The Death Star locked tractor beams on the derelict Discovery and pulled
it into another hangar bay.
Darth Vader walked into the Emperor's private chamber,
stroking a Tribble. The Emperor concentrated for a second, then spoke.
"So. Your
thoughts betray you. Are you sure that your mind is clear on the subject?"
Vader
responded. "Yes, I am sure. It has a calming, soothing effect... something that I have not
felt for years, my master."
"Give into your anger! Strike it down!"
"I can not do
that, my master."
The PA system of the Death Star, unused for years, crackled to life
with a calm male voice. "Dave? Dave, I'm terribly sorry. Do you want me to sing you a
song?" A burst of static interrupted things. "That's one small step for man, one giant..."
Another burst of static fuzz interrupted, then things straightened out. A female,
computer-generated voice beeped, then spoke. "Planet: Death Star. Ambient temperature: 68
degrees. All systems nominal." A different voice, one that sounded low and slurred, yelled.
"STOP POKING ME!"
In Ten Forward, the battle was still raging. Dexter and Deedee
were fighting over the remote. Deedee managed to turn Dexter into a kitten, but then Dexter
ran toward the remote, turning Deedee into a greyhound. She swiped it back, and zapped
Dexter into a cheetah. Dexter then began chasing her, and Chewie unfortunately stuck his
head in the door at that moment and bellowed. The two animals ran straight toward him,
knocking him over as they tore out of the room.
The two reached the bridge of
Voyager, but just before they entered, Dexter turned Deedee into a Rancor. He then ran in
fright onto the bridge, followed by Deedee.
An ensign quipped, "Rancor on the bridge"
before the rancor ate him.
Another looked at him. "What's a Rancor- OH SHIT, never
mind!" That ensign got eaten just as quickly as the first.
Finally, the rancor
bellowed. "Honeycombs! Honeycombs! Me want Honeycombs!"
Outside the Voyager, a giant
field of Honeycombs appeared, and the Voyager flew straight into it. Han, who was sitting at
the controls, took evasive action to avoid the gigantic Honeycombs, swirling about thicker
than hearty split-pea soup. The TIE fighters tried to match it, but eventually all of them
crashed into the speeding Honeycombs. Finally, Han took the ship deep into one of the larger
Honeycombs. Leia shouted at him. "You're not going deeper into the field, are you?"
Threepio, partly pieced together by Artoo, wailed. "Oh no! We're doomed!"
A large
fleet of Star Destroyers waited outside the cereal field. Darth Vader, on the Executor,
turned to Admiral Piett. "Honeycombs do not concern me, Admiral. I want that ship alive."
"Yes, Lord Vader."
The Star Destroyers moved into the field of cereal, their turbolaser
batteries shooting left and right at the Honeycombs, which rained down on the force of
ships. One unlucky ship's bridge got taken off by a speeding lump of cereal, and went
spinning out of control into a convenient black hole.
Dexter's Empire
Part Six
It was a beautiful morning in 1985 Hill Valley, California, when Marty walked out
to the garage. There was a flash like a burst of lightning, and a silvery DeLorean pulled up
in the driveway. A man wearing a white lab coat, with frizzled white hair, opened one of the
DeLorean's gull-wing doors and stepped out. He immediately walked over to a garbage can,
pulled out a couple half-empty beer cans, and dumped them in a cylindrical chamber that
resided where the car's engine should be.
"Come on, Marty, there's no time for that.
Get in the car!"
"But Doc, what about Jennifer?"
"She'll come along."
They
get in the car, and it pulls out.
"Doc, I don't think we have enough road to reach 88
miles per hour."
"Where we're going, we don't need roads."
Biff Tannen walks out
the front door, just in time to see the DeLorean take off, and vanish in a burst of fire.
"A flying DeLorean...?"
Hill Valley, 2015 AD
There is another burst of
light on the skyway, and a DeLorean shoots along it, coming out in the middle of a
thunderstorm. It's a little too high, and a bolt of lightning strikes it, making it vanish.
Deep in space, a gigantic Honeycomb floats in the center of a field of Honeycombs.
The Federation starship Voyager heads toward it, intent on landing and repairing its damage.
It shoots in toward the center hole, and disappears.
TIE Bombers strafe the
honeycomb with concussion milk bombs, the sweet liquid gradually eroding holes in the giant
lump of cereal. Nearby, the Super Star Destroyer Executor flies along, blasting Honeycombs
with water cannon. Darth Vader steps forward, as he watches a smaller Honeycomb being
tractored into the massive hangar bay. "Got milk?" Captain Needa responds. "No sir. The ship
has gone into one of the larger lumps of cereal, and we are trying to find it." Vader
breathes for a minute, to Needa's discomfort. "I am not concerned with the ship. I want
Honeycombs, and are you telling me that there is no milk on board this ship?" "Er... yes,
sir. All supplies of milk were rationed when the Rebels took Ukio." "Very well, then." Vader
then begins Force-choking the unfortunate captain, who clutches his throat. "Why are you...
akk... doing this... gasp... I can't... ack... do a thing... gasp... about it..." (thump)
"Apology accepted, Captain Needa."
Deep in the center of the giant Honeycomb, a
swirl of light appears, and a giant mosquito flies through. The mosquito retches, even
though it's an insect, leaving a shapeless lump on the ground. It then disappears again in
a swirl of light. Several minute later, the lump gathers itself up, becoming a humanoid
form. It stands erect, shaking off the larvae attached to it, and the face is somewhat
recognizable. It is Jones.
The Voyager lands, somewhere near where Jones was
regurgitated. Everyone scrambles to avoid the Rancor, who runs out the main hatch and begins
gorging on cereal.
Han Solo walks toward Voyager's engineering section, trying to see
what is wrong with the hyperdrive. When he gets there, he starts walking around trying to
find it, when the ship lurches. He draws his pistol and runs out the main ramp, only to see
Jones sucking on the hull. But before he can shoot, Jones runs at him like a lunatic, intent
on killing him. A roar reverberates throughout the cavern.
"GOT MILK?" It is the
Rancor, mouth full of cookie crumbs. The ponderous beast walks toward Jones, who looks up in
fright and starts backing away. "GIVE ME MILK!"
Jones stammers, "B-b-but I don't have
a-a-any!" Still, the Rancor continues, sweeping Jones up and biting his head off. It pauses,
spits the head out, and eats the rest of Jones, then proceeds to lick its fingers.
Somewhere in the Delta Quadrant, a small, one-person runabout, shaped like a Dodge Viper, is
meandering hopelessly. In pursuit is a Borg Cube, intent on assimilating the runabout. The
lone occupant, a certain Sean Collins, gets a suicidal look on his face, just as the
runabout is seized in a tractor beam. Just as he is about to hit the button marked "Self
Destruct," a Borg baby beams onto his lap, and presses the button marked "Turbo." All of a
sudden, the Viper lurches forward, heading straight for the cube. The cube slowly draws it
in, and a voice floats over the comm. "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." As
the nanoprobes began to course through Sean's system, he finally realized how foolish it
was to attack the ISD Domination.
On board the Jellyco, another swirl of light
appears, and Darth Jacques steps through. What he misses is the band of Ewoks following him.
Suddenly, a crude net appears in front of him, with a Britney Spears CD in the center. He
greedily lunges for it, only to get stuck in the net. Somehow, the Ewoks get him down, tie
him to a log, and carry him to the captain's chair, where they are busy building a bonfire.
"What are you doing with me? I am Darth Jacques. You can't harm... AHHHH!" The fire slowly
burns through his thick troll's skin, subjecting him to intense pain.
Several hours
later, he was still alive and screaming, as the Ewoks burned more of Timothy's magazines
and calculations. The ensigns were all standing around him, cheering and placing bets as to
how long he would last. One of them, oddly enough named Sean P. Collins, trips on a stray
Tribble, and falls onto the roasting troll. The Ewoks cover their eyes, as the ensign's
dying screams resound throughout the ship.
In the Jellyco's hold, almost a hundred
cloning chambers sat. Most of them were devoted to cloning the Dark Prince himself, while
several were reserved for Elim, Paul, and other minor trolls. Nutrient frames were scattered
throughout the hold, with ysalamiri projecting their Force-empty bubbles over the clones.
Several tanks opened, and miniature clones of Jones stepped out, awakened by the cries of
Paul. But the clones did not have long to live, as the DeLorean appeared on top of them,
crushing the clones and smashing several tanks.
Dexter's Empire
Part Seven
A tiny starfighter floated in intergalactic space, near a small star system. It had
a body similar to, but slightly longer than an X-wing, and solar panels similar to a TIE
Interceptor.
In front of the starfighter, a man in an oxygen suit appeared, with a
Radio Shack TRS-80 computer next to him. He looked at the starfighter in surprise, as a
voice rang out inside his head. "I have summoned you here, on charges of being a Trek fan
while writing Wars books. All of your books have been filled with Trekkie errors, bad plots,
and other disgusting things. I hereby challenge you to a TGOD." Kevin J. Anderson spoke up.
"What's a TGOD?" "A TGOD stands for The Good Old Days. It is where you get to kill the
opponent in creative ways. I have challenged you to one in this fanfic, since you are not
present in my newsgroup." The author got a smile on his face. "As long as this is a fair
fight, I accept." "It will be a fair fight. Q is not allowed, and neither is time travel."
Kevin got a grin on his face, and began typing on his TRS-80.
One minute later, Kevin
was comfortably sitting in the pilot's chair of the Sun Crusher, with Kyp Durron next to
him. "Well, Kyp, show this usurper the power of the Dark Side." Kyp reached out with the
Force, and swatted the H-wing away with a blink of his eye.
Crayz9000 sat in the
cockpit of the tumbling H-wing. He opened a comm channel to the Sun Crusher. "Old fool. Only
now, at the end, do you realize the power of the Far Side." Suddenly, the Sun Crusher became
the Titanic, and rammed a comet. Screams erupted from the doomed ship, as suicidal people
jumped into the icy waters that oddly appeared around it. On the Titanic's bridge, Kate
Winslet jumped into Kyp's arms. Kyp looked at her for a second, then shouted at Kevin,
"Well kriff you. You never gave me anything like this, you selfish prick!" He then jumped
out, with Kate Winslet still in his arms. A very, very pissed Leonardo Di Caprio stood on
the railing of the ship, and jumped after him, hitting a lifeboat with William Jefferson
Clinton's great-grandfather on board. Needless to say, the boat sank.
Kevin looked
around him, his eyes coming to rest on the TRS-80 bolted to the tiller. He shouted, "I can
do better," and ran over, madly typing away. An Eclipse-class Star Destroyer appeared behind
the H-wing, while a Lambda-class shuttle came and took him off the sinking ship. The Eclipse
opened fire on the H-wing, obliterating it in a burst of plasma, while Kevin traveled safely
to the Eclipse, and jumped into hyperspace once he was aboard.
Following closely behind
the Eclipse, below the ion wash from its engines, was a man in spacetrooper armor. He fired
his thrusters, coming close to a convenient boarding hatch. As the bounty hunter punched in
the override codes, the airlock shot open, letting him in. He pulled off the spacetrooper
armor, revealing the HEV suit he wore underneath, and looked around him. He was in the
engine room, with hundreds of droids surrounding him. The bounty hunter then walked over to
a data terminal, extended the data probe built-in to his suit, and downloaded a floor plan
for the ship. He then powered up his E-web, and made off for a maintenance duct leading to
the bridge.
Kevin watched Crayz9000 making his way toward the bridge on the battle
bridge's main viewscreen. As the Eclipse was in hyperspace, he flicked a single switch, and
the bridge detached, leaving the bounty hunter to float through hyperspace forever.
Meanwhile, the real bounty hunter stood laughing, directly below Kevin's seat, in a
stormtrooper ready room. Kevin had just eliminated a hologram of him. Crayz9000 carefully
bored a small hole in the soundproof ceiling, placed several sequencer charges into it, then
set the timer and ran. One minute later, Kevin was sitting, gloating, when the sequencers
went off. His world turned into a flash of light, then it was no more. The timers on the
hyperdrive went off, bringing the mighty warship out of hyperspace. By that time, Crayz9000
had made his way down to the fighter deck, where he stole a TIE Defender, and programmed
several droid-equipped TIE Defenders to follow him.
Just as the timers on the
sequencers went off, Kevin disappeared in the mists of a transporter, and reappeared on the
bridge of a Romulan warbird. He watched as the mighty Eclipse went careening into the Maw,
and several TIEs shot out from its forward hangar bay, and proceeded to begin attacking him.
The warbird slowly picked off the droid fighters, leaving only one, which was dodging all of
the shots.
In his hijacked Defender, Crayz9000 watched as several ships shot out of
hyperspace. In the lead was a Federation Sovereign, which headed for the system's G-type
star and began dumping crates of beer into it. The ships pursuing it were the Fearmeister,
Cleaners 2 through 5, and his primary H-wing, running under the control of his R2 unit. As
he accelerated toward it to dock, a call came from the Fearmeister. "This is LT. Hit-Man.
There is a forty thousand credit bounty on Chris's head. I want him alive, or else."
Shortly, the bounty hunter was in the cockpit of his H-wing. He then programmed the Defender
to make its way to a rendezvous point in the middle of nowhere.
Kevin smirked. "Do you
expect me to fall for that trick?" The warbird promptly vaporized the TIE, but still could
not get a lock onto the H-wing. As Anderson heard the call from Hit-man, he typed several
more lines into his TRS-80. A beaten-up old freighter, the Lightning Rod, came out of
hyperspace behind Crayz's ship. Zekk opened a comm channel to it. "Chris is MY bounty, and
you're getting in my way! Now either get out of my way or fight, according to the Bounty
Hunter's Creed!"
In the cockpit, Crayz9000 heard the warning. "Wait a sec- I'm the
author here!" With a glance, Zekk's ship suffered a engine meltdown, and the hyperdrive
exploded. "Hey thanks, Kevin. Now I can detonate hyperdrives just like warp cores!" An
indignant reply came over the comm system, but he just ignored it and continued. This time,
he was determined to torture Kevin. Suddenly, the Romulan ship became covered in glowing
orange slime. A gigantic, green-glowing chicken with a radioactive symbol on its chest
appeared in front of the warbird. The Romulan ship tried to fire, but all of its disrupters
were blocked with the orange ooze. Finally, the chicken began pecking at the almost
mile-long ship, knocking holes in bulkheads all over the place. The derelict ship then
careened into the Maw, but an escape pod shot out of it. With another thought, Crayz9000
summoned the Jellyco from the Alpha Quadrant, and the escape pod smashed into the larger
ship's main docking port.
Dexter's Empire
Part Eight
"What do you
mean, this thing doesn't have a hyperdrive?" Han Solo stood in the Voyager's Engineering
section, staring at the big glassy tube marked "Warp Core." Chewie barked a reply, and Han
stared at the damn thing. Just then, Chakotay walked forward. "Um, sir, we have something
called a 'quantum slipstream drive,' but we can't seem to get it to work." "Well don't
just stand there, show me!" Chakotay walked over toward it, and gestured to the drive.
"Well, it looks like the case of an early T-900 hyperdrive, but where's the drive?"
Chakotay staggered back. "What drive? I thought that was the drive!" "No, you half-witted...
stuck-up... scruffy-looking... nerf herder!" Leia walked forward, presenting her middle
finger to a startled Chakotay. She then gave Han a big kiss. "Um... oops, I was supposed to
do that later on. Oh well, it doesn't matter." Han, after he recovered, walked off to see
what he could do with the drive. As he reached a console, it explodes, and he rolls
backwards, barely scarred. "Ok. THAT'S IT! You-" He kicks the warp core, much to the
discomfort of Chakotay. "worthless-" WHAM! "piece-" BANG! "of-" SLAM! "JUNK!" SMASH! He then
storms away toward the shuttlebay, followed by Chewie, Leia, and Luke. Luke dashes toward a
normal shuttle, while the rest of them jump in the Delta Flyer II, and begin the take-off
sequence. Tom Paris runs forward, waving his arms. "HEY! THAT'S MY SHIP!" Just as he's a
foot away from the hatch, it slams shut and a blast of plasma bursts out of the warp coils,
taking off his legs.
Outside Voyager, in the Honeycomb cave, Dexter was still
running from Deedee, and he quickly ducked into an escape pod, with the Rancor jamming its
head in after him, but unable to touch him. He jostles the remote, turning Deedee into a
Space Slug, who falls into a crack of the lump of cereal as the escape pod jettisons.
The Delta Flyer II shoots out of the shuttlebay, with Han and friends on board. As
soon as it clears Voyager's shields, the Intrepid's warp core detonates, killing Janeway,
Neelix, and the rest of the junior-class lieutenants on board. Fed by the explosion, the
Deedee slug rapidly expands to enclose the shuttle. "The cave is expand- no, it's
collapsing!" Leia, panicked, looks out of the DF2's forward viewport, while Han sits next
to her, a calm, determined look on his face. "This is no cave." "What!?"
Just then,
various golden protocol droid parts go floating past the shuttle. "Hey, look, it's
Threepio!" "I got him. Well, he's in the cargo bay airlock. Chewie?" Han looks at the giant
Wookiee, who moans a response and picks up Threepio's torso and head, placing the head on.
"Oh! Artoo! Why did you leave- no no no, OH MY! The warp core's detonating!" Chewie looks
at the droid, and twists several knobs, then reactivates the droid. "Well, something's
wrong- I can't see!" Chewie presses several more buttons, then Threepio speaks again.
"Well. That's much better. Oh no, you big furry oaf! You put my head on backwards!"
Outside the Honeycomb, the Imperial Fleet is waiting. The giant Honeycomb splits in
two, a la Armageddon, and barely misses the Death Star. The Deedee Slug goes shooting out,
and swallows the Executor minutes after Darth Vader leaves it. On the bridge of the
seventeen-kilometer long ship, Admiral Piett stares at the giant gullet when a lieutenant
yells, "Sir! The main deflector shields are down." "Intensify the forward batteries! I
don't want anything getting through! Intensify-!" Just then, the largest of the slug's
teeth slams into the bridge, killing off everyone.
***
On the planet Earth,
a man was sitting in front of a computer screen when something possessed him. He stretched,
sat up, and spoke. "I am Trekboy02. Nobody will convert me! I am invincible-" At that
moment, the door burst open, and a blast from a shotgun blew Trekboy's head off. The man
who fired then spoke. "My name's Duke Nukem. I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum...
but I'm all out of gum."
***
Kevin J. Anderson crawled out of the
emergency hatch on the pod, and fell onto the bridge floor of the Jellyco, retching from the
smoke in the air. He raised his head, only to see Timothy M. Jones standing over the crushed
and blackened remains of Darth Jacques. Dead Ewoks were scattered around the bridge, along
with withered corn stalks who were once ensigns. At the other end of the bridge, another
hole gaped where the Delta Flyer had smashed into the Jellyco. When Anderson saw all this,
he retched again. His head began pounding very hard from the immense bozon fields radiating
from the Dark Prince, and after several minutes of thinking he had a migraine, his head
exploded, spraying bullshit all over the bridge.
The ship shaped like a 4x4 came to
dock against the hull of the Jellyco. A khaki-wearing Aussie jumps out, and stands up inside
the Jellyco. "G'day, mate! I'm Steve Irwin, and this is my wife Terri." The woman crawls
out, and stands next to him. "Hello! Today, we'll be hunting the most elusive species in
the universe- the troll, and --" Steve climbs up a convenient ladder, and places his ear on
the ceiling. "Shh- we don't want to alert them." Several feet in front of them, the ceiling
cracks and Timothy jumps through, transforming rapidly into his supertroll mode. The troll
prince then lunges at Steve, who ducks and rolls out of the way. "Croikey! You're all
right, mate, you're all right!" The troll prince growls, and swipes his foot-long claws at
the Aussie, who begins running for his life. The troll then stomps away, transforming into
plain old Captain Timothy. "Whew! That was scary. Absolutely beaut' animal- did you see
those claws? By the looks of it, that's the Prince 'imself!"
***
In the
main hangar bay of the Death Star, a bright orange Dodge Charger with a Confederate flag
painted on the roof appears out of nowhere.
Suddenly, music begins playing over the
Death Star's PA system.
"Just some good old boys,"
"Never meaning no harm,"
"In all and that's in all,"
"just in trouble with the law,"
"since the day
they was born."
"Just some good old boys,"
"Never meaning no harm,"
"In all
and that's in all,"
"just in trouble with the law,"
"since the day they was
born."
The Charger flies over several rows of parked TIE fighters, and the driver
yells. "Yee-haw! Hey Daisy, you got your ears on?" He waits a second, and then a beaten-up
Ford pickup, followed by a Jeep CJ-5 and a Dodge patrol car, appear behind it. "You got
that, cousin!"
In the driver's seat of the patrol car, a police officer is sitting,
with a bloodhound staring at him, and chuckling. The officer looks at the dog for a second.
"Wait, that's what I'm supposed to do." He then begins chuckling, but stops as he sees the
General Lee launch off a dirt ramp which appeared out of nowhere. He jams on the brakes, but
it's too late, and the patrol car shoots into a convenient duck pond.
***
In the Emperor's private quarters, several ducks waddle forward, quacking. The Emperor's
chair slowly turns around, and the Feared One steps forward, chuckling. "Well, looks like I
have dinner!" He begins shooting the unfortunate ducks with blasts of lightning, slowly
cooking them from the inside out. When they seem to be done, he steps forward to claim his
prize, and unexpectedly trips on a fishing line strung across his path. Stumbling, he runs
into a sheet of Saran Wrap covered in Super Glue, and finally falls down the stairs, landing
on the roasted ducks.
Just then, the turbolift hisses open, revealing the fearsome
visage of the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. Vader steps forward, staring at the...
odd-looking Emperor. "What in the name of the Sith has befallen you, my lord?" The indignant
Emperor replies, his voice quickly rising to a scream. "WHAT THE KRIFF DOES IT LOOK LIKE? I
GOT TARRED AND FEATHERED!" Vader then speaks. "Who has done this! I will personally rip out
his fingernails." Luke slowly steps out of the shadows. "You can never bring yourself to do
that. I feel the conflict within you! Let go of your anger!" The two whip out their
lightsabers, and begin battling each other. Vader hisses fearsomely at Luke. "So. Your
thoughts betray you... Sister. You love... your sister Leia?" Luke lunges forward, and
begins hitting Vader with fierce blows. "NO!" "Whoa son, I was just kidding. I meant Seven
of Nine." Luke pauses to regard his cyborg father, and the Emperor slowly advances. "So. The
secret is revealed. Now let it be known that I am Annika's father!" Luke stares at the
Emperor, shocked. "No. It can't be. NO!" "Yes. It is your destiny!" The Emperor keeps
chuckling, and advances. "Young fool. Only now, at the end, do you realize that you will
never marry my daughter." Luke collapses from shock, and the Emperor begins blasting him
with lightning. "And now, you will die." The blasts, already intense, increase in intensity,
and Luke writhes in agony. "Father! Help! Please!" As Vader steps forward to pick up the
Emperor, Data runs, scoops up the screaming Emperor, and dumps him down a convenient shaft.
Vader looks up, surprised. "What? I was supposed to do that!" Data, somewhat damaged, looks
at Vader. "Well, I kept you from dying. Come on, say 'Thank You,' Anakin."
Dexter's Empire
Part Nine
A majestic, seventeen-kilometer long battleship
floated through deep space. As it was the Executor-class Star Destroyer Strowbridge, it was
equipped with top-of-the-line killfilters instead of the standard shield generators. Soon,
though, they would be put to the test.
On the bridge, Admiral Mark Sheppard watched as
a giant fleet of troll battleships dropped out of transwarp, and led by the USS Jellyco.
"Prepare to engage the enemy." Just as he said that, an ensign spoke up. "Sir, I thought
that you killed Tim-" He was cut short by a blast from Corporal Anton Polinga's blaster
rifle, which sliced the unfortunate ensign in two. As that happened, a riot erupted on the
bridge. Food began flying all over the bridge, and a bowl of leola root stew hit Lieutenant
Transcend full in the face. But as the battle was at its peak, the door hissed open, and two
shadows, one small and one huge, fell across the combatants. Anton looked up slowly, first
sweeping across a pair of size 12 feet, then gradually the owner of the feet was revealed, a
veritable walking mountain. It was Security Chief Rob Dalton.
From his vantage
point in front of the Jellyco's main viewscreen, Timothy Jones watched the battle. Oddly
enough, the Strowbridge had not opened fire on any of his ships. Timothy figured that his
agents must have been doing their jobs. "All ships, open fire with spam cannons. Maximum
firepower!" As he said that, though, a turd thrown by a resident gorilla went flying across
the space where his head had been. As he ducked to avoid it, his head went rolling across
the bridge, and he walked over, picked it up, and placed it back on as another turd hit him
square in the back of the head.
Back on the Strowbridge, Corporal Anton was
struggling under the crushing weight of the Daltonator. "AMMhPT!" *fart* *fart* "UMURMFTT!"
Just as Anton was almost suffocated, though, a Galaxy-class ship went flying by the bridge
windows, and caught Dalton's attention. "The USS E1701, huh? Doomriser, is that you? If it
is..." The unfortunate ensign took off at a run. "Sorry, Dalton, I've got to finish Fist of
the blazing Wormhole honor-bound without death, right now." "DOOMRISER!" But Dalton was too
slow to catch up with the quick ensign, and instead a bounty hunter that had found his way
onto the bridge grabbed at one of Doomriser's heels, tripping him flat across the deck.
Presently, the Daltonator came walking up, and proceeded to sit down on Doomriser. "Now,
Doomriser, either give me the codes that will deactivate E1701, or be crushed under my
weight." "Never! Let me go!" As Doomriser was suffocating, Sonn walked in. "And Doomriser
died. Of gangrene."
A warning shout came across the bridge from another unfortunate
ensign. "Sir! The enemy has opened fire on us with maximum fire spam-cannons! Killfilters
down to 2% effectiveness!" As soon as he finished saying that, the shield control console
exploded, blasting his head off. Sheppard sighed. "Well, at least we have 37,000 ensigns
left over. Ensign Mike Griffiths, I want you to take over. Randomize the killfilter
frequencies." The ensign hesitated, and replied to Sheppard. "Sir, by my calculations I
should not be able to randomize the frequencies at all." "Well, to hell with your calcs!
Randomize the killfilters!" As the bridge killfilters were down, a blast of spam slammed
into it, knocking anyone who was standing over.
Just then, a massive dick-shaped ship
went flying past the Strowbridge, and straight into the enemy fleet. On board the USS Wet
Dreams, Jedi Anger was struggling with a bunch of psychotic gorillas who were trying their
best to hump food synthesizer units. "Ergh! Get off, you big ape!" "Ooh-ooh-aah-aah!" The
Wet Dreams cruised along, but when it got near the Jellyco, it suddenly and inexplicably
shrank to the size of a light freighter, and it became the Jellyco's new hood ornament,
just below the Delta Flyer. Jedi Anger was still on board, and still struggling with the now
densely-packed gorillas. Finally, the pressure on the Wet Dreams' hull was too much, and
the mass of gorillas burst through to the Jellyco's bridge.
Finally, an ensign on
the Strowbridge was able to randomize the killfilters, and gradually the spam cannons of the
trolls started to lose their effectiveness. Back on the bridge of the Jellyco, a struggling
Captain Timothy squeaked out one last command before he died from being the target of
several sexually frustrated gorillas. "Deploy -ack- the main -urf- weapon..." At once, Darth
Jacques sent a transmission to the Strowbridge.
On the bridge of the Strowbridge, a
Borg drone that had been dancing for no particular reason straightened up as he received a
transmission. It set out at a run for the hangar bay, and boarded a shuttle, heading over to
a certain part of the galaxy. After leaving a message in that sector, Weyoun headed back,
and made his way back to the bridge. Upon his arrival, Dalton accosted him. "Well, well,
well, where have you been?" "Nowh were. i was in hte cafeteria getting stoned." "Oh. Ok,
move along. And don't get stoned here."
But as Dalton finished saying that, another
ship burst into view in front of the Strowbridge. Its nameplate bore the name Cock Rocket,
and as soon as it was within firing range, it opened fire on the Strowbridge with a gigantic
can of spray paint. The bridge windows soon choked up with things like "Pablo Sanchez sucks
cock!," "I am a master Hax0r extreme, and soon I will own this ship!"
Deep in the
cargo hold of the Strowbridge, two slicers sat around a viewscreen, watching the antics of
this Cock Rocket. After a while, one, known as Cybernetic Crow, spoke up. "Well, Phong, what
should we do this guy? I think that it would be kind of humiliating for him if we sent him
Back Orifice." The other slicer, Phong Nguyen, replied. "Naah, that's too advanced, even
for him. What's he running?" The first slicer replied. "America Online on top on Windows
95." "AOL, huh? Oh, that's just great. Crow, I'm going to get the Cleaners together for an
assault on AOL HQ. You just stay here and hold this idiot at bay." "Ok, no problem, Phong."
In the hangar bay of the Strowbridge, LT. Hit-Man was gathering the Cleaners
together. "Ok, listen up Cleaners. This is going to be a direct assault on AOL headquarters.
A commando strike by us should immobilize their framework enough that half the trolls around
here will dissipate. I will be taking the Fearmeister. Anyone who doesn't want to come,
raise your hand." They all looked uncomfortable, but nobody raised their hand... except for
an ensign who, busy scrubbing the walls with a toothbrush, didn't notice that his hand was
raised. At once, the LT. walked over to him, inspecting the name badge he wore. "Well. Chris
O'Farrel." Hit-Man switched on his forehead laser sight, planting it square between the
unlucky ensign's eyes. "As I recall, you attempted to steal the Fearmeister not too long
ago. You then proceeded to mess up the paint job on several of the Corvettes, namely Cleaner
5. Then, to add insult to injury, YOU STOLE OUR BEER!" By now, Chris was quaking under the
fury of Hit-Man, who started to evilly grin. "Well, first I'll just have you lick the hull
of the Strowbridge clean. And it had better be done by the time I get back from kicking the
ass of AOL, or you'll be even sorrier."
The Fearmeister lifted out of the hangar bay
quietly, and began to streak by the Cock Rocket. A blast of paint lanced out of the Cock
Rocket, striking the Fearmeister directly on the wings. Hit-Man ignored it, knowing that his
attacks were useless on the trollship, and made the jump to hyperspace.
Five hours
later...
Chris O'Farrell looked at the hull of the Strowbridge with disgust. He
had licked all but five square meters of it clean, and was about to retch from the space
boogers. As he looked at it, he remembered for the umpteenth time how little protected he
was. He was only wearing a vacuum suit, minus the helmet, and had a magnetic atmosphere
containment field generator strapped to his belt. As he grudgingly began to finish the job,
a modified TIE Phantom came blasting over his head, shaking him badly. He shook his fist at
the Phantom, which then came around and blasted his arm off. Just then, his comm buzzed, and
Kyle's voice came over it. "I don't care about your arm. Just finish the job!" Gritting
his teeth, he pressed a button on his suit and beamed up to the Sovereign-class USS Insult
II, NCC 70456-A.
Deep in AOL Headquarters, LT. Hit-Man, Dalton, and Phong were
battling a swarm of troll drones that had materialized out of nowhere. Within several
minutes, the trolls were all piles of steaming shit. Phong pulled out his Mallet of Doom Mk.
II, and began malleting servers while the LT. chopped up several troll guards.
On
the bridge of the Strowbridge, Admiral Sheppard watched as the Cock Rocket began slowly
powering down. Obviously, the Cleaners were doing their job. "Gunnery Commander Kynes, open
fire on the Cock Rocket with the main logic cannon, full power." "Aye, aye, sir." A beam,
several meters wide, lanced out from the tip of the Super Star Destroyer, catching the Cock
Rocket amidships, and cutting it in two. Finally, the Rocket's spam core detonated,
obliterating several space mice along with all on board. The Admiral watched the fireball,
then turned his attention to Weyoun. But he quickly discovered that Weyoun had left again.
A Lambda-class shuttle arrived in alt.hackers.malicious, and the lone occupant,
Weyoun, hopped out. "Hey! Rory! Raoul! I've got a job for you guys!" The two trolls stopped
fighting, turned around, and walked over to Weyoun. "What's the job?" "I want you two to
have a look at ASVS. Cock Rocket's already over there trolling, and it would be easy
pickings for you two." The two trolls looked at each other, then at Weyoun. "Cock Rocket,
huh? We'll be there."
Dexter's Empire
Chapter 10
"Lt. Hit-Man's Log,
Stardate 49024... no... wait...
WHAT THE KRIFF?!"
On the bridge of the
Galaxy-class USS Enterprise, Picard watched unmovingly as text began to scroll on the main
viewscreen.
"In a galaxy very, very, very, very far...
If you can read this, you
don't need glasses."
The viewscreen flashed brightly, revealing a thirty-two foot
long ship cruising along. Data looked up at the ship, and promptly said, "Captain, it
appears to be a 1987 Winnebago motorhome. With wings. And rocket engines." The HoloSpock
promptly comments. "That is most illogical, Mr. Data."
The bridge viewscreen flashes
again, this time revealing a... human face. Pressed against it. After several seconds of
making gasping sounds, it spoke. "Picard, I need your help!" "What now, Q?" "Well,
actually..." Q materializes on the bridge, and points out of the viewport. "they need your
help." Picard looks at the screen, seeing a large, ugly-looking ship heading straight for
them. "What, that ugly ship?" "No, mon captaine, that." Picard looks again, this time seeing
the large, ugly ship several kilometers closer. "What? What do you mean?" Finally, Q snaps
his fingers in desperation, and points again. "THAT." "What? All I see is a big green ship."
"Mon captaine, will you please look off to the side?" Picard complies, and turns his head,
then turns it back just as quickly as a ten-foot-tall, green-glowing chicken walks out of
the turbolift, a woman with a whip riding it. "Giddap, slave!"
Picard, exasperated,
turns his back to Q, and drops his pajamas. "NO! Mon captaine, NO!" In a flash, the captain
puts his pants back on. "What, Q? Did I offend you?"
Several hundred thousand
kilometers away...
A seventeen-kilometer long, dagger-shaped ship drifted through
space, apparently derelict. Admiral Sheppard slowly looked up from his command chair on the
bridge. "Ensign Jimmy, how's the repair job coming? The older ensign checked his datapad.
"All pretty well. Ensign Chris O'Farrell cleaned most of the hull as per El Tee's orders,
but then he left for some reason." Sheppard looked up with interest, and the ensign
continued. "We're still having problems cleaning the graffiti off of the bridge viewports,
but apparently Cock Rocket never realized that we have a backup viewscreen." As soon as Jim
finished saying that, the comm buzzed. "This is Gunnery Commander Kynes. Sheppard, I've got
some news for you, but first you should take a look at the Death Star." Sheppard swiveled
rapidly in his chair. "Lieutenant, put the Death Star on screen." There was a moment of
static as the camera focused, then cleared. Sheppard gasped at the sight. "What the kriff
are they doing? Comm, patch me through to Darth Vader."
"Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep..." The sound of a busy signal permeated the bridge. Finally,
it rang. "Buzz... We're sorry, the number you have called has been disconnected. Please
check your number and try to call again." Sheppard brought his fist down in frustration,
managing to hit an errant mynock in the process. "Then get me Moff Jerjerrod." Sounds of a
choking person were heard over the intercom. "Jerjerrod? Exactly what is going on over
there? Jerjerrod? MOFF! Comm, get me a visual." The holographic viewscreen reappeared, and
it showed the prostrate form of Moff Jerjerrod, with Darth Vader standing over him, and
wearing a thin, black silk shirt with red flowers on it underneath his cape. "Apology
accepted, Moff Jerjerrod." Sheppard turned his attention to Vader. "Vader, what is the
meaning of this?" Vader turned around, a half-eaten Tribbleburger in one hand, the other
hand holding a set of Ewok Fries. "Yes, Admiral?" Sheppard looked at him for a minute, and
Vader returned the favor. Finally, the video cut off abruptly, and the view changed to the
outside of the Death Star. A horde of construction droids were swarming over it, fitting it
with mirror panels. Finally, Sheppard spoke again. "Ok Kynes, you were saying?" "Um, sir,
um... well here's Threepio. He'll tell you." The viewscreen switched to an internal view
of the Falcon, with a large furry arm shoving the golden protocol droid forward. "B-b-b-but
Sir!" "Just say it, Goldenrod!" "Uh... Greetings, Admiral Sheppard. I am See- Threepio,
human-" "Just get to the point." "Um... yes, as I was saying, it would appear that the Death
Star is being turned into a mirrored ball."
As Sheppard stared at the Death Star, the
final mirror panel was put into place, and Disco Inferno began blaring over all of the
subspace frequencies. Finally, he realized what Vader was doing. The Death Star now became
an even deadlier weapon, with the power to incapacitate ships anytime, anywhere.
Back on the Enterprise-D, Q suddenly snapped his fingers as the disco began blaring over the
Galaxy-class ship's comm system. In an instant, the entire bridge crew was dressed in silk
shirts. Q stood up, dressed in a flared suit, and began to disco.
Data was the last one
to start. He hit the comm quickly, and called Starfleet HQ. "Admiral Jellico, we've got an
interesting thing happening here." The Admiral slowly started to dance. "I can hear it. All
ships, prepare to strut on my command."
On board the Spaceball 1, Dark Helmet was
attempting to resist the urge to disco. "Must... resist... must... leave..." Just at that
moment, the DeLorean went flying past at a high speed, and Sandurz, seeing it, shouted.
"Princess Vespa's car -I mean ship- is almost in range." Helmet looked out at the
approaching car. "Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose."
In the DeLorean, Doc
cranked the wheel hard as several laser blasts streaked by. Jennifer, in the back seat,
began to panic. "What was that?" Doc crisply responded. "You just worry about the flux
capacitor, Princess." "Since when did Jennifer become a princess?" Marty turned his head
around to look at Jennifer, and did a double-take as he saw her dressed in a flowing white
robe. "I don't know, Marty. OH!" The car rocked from another blast, and she was thrown
backwards.
On a Borg Cube that somehow appeared nearby, the Borg Queen stood
looking at the battle. "Careful, you idiot, I said ACROSS her nose, not up it." Drone 3 of 5
looked back at her. "I believe that you used the wrong line." "Of course I used the wrong
line! That's supposed to be funny!"
Across the chamber on the Borg ship, a drone
formerly known as Lt. Saavik stood motionless, her Borg implants keeping her from moving.
"Humor. A difficult concept."
On the Death Star, Darth Vader looked with
indiscernible amusement at the wacky space battle. Suddenly, a hologram of Dark Helmet
appeared in front of him. The two stood there, just looking at each other for many minutes.
"You-"
"What?"
"Huh?"
"Impostor!"
"Impostor!"
"What?"
"Huh?"
"I was first, impostor!"
"In the Imperial Navy, you would call me Idiot. I mean- you
know what I mean."
"I do?"
"Yes!"
Vader tries to choke Dark Helmet, just as
Dark Helmet tries to fire his green ray at Vader.
"Come on, you're supposed to
collapse!"
"Well so are you!"
"You first!"
"No, you!"
"I insist. I'm
supposed to collapse."
"Well so am I."
"Go on, collapse!"
"No, you first!"
Finally, the two give up. The hologram of Helmet walks over, and shakes hands with
Vader. Vader jumps back, grasping his hand, just as Helmet (rolling in laughter) vanishes.
Finally, Darth Vader opens his hand, to reveal an Acme Model 14S Palm Buzzer.
Dexter's Empire
Chapter 11
A lone Federation shuttle streaks into one
of the Death Star's hangar bays. It lands, and a stormtrooper team walks over toward it. "I
want a scanning crew in here on the double!" The lieutenant shouts the command over the
intercom.
Over fifty technicians walk into the hangar bay, carrying a gigantic
Hewlett-Packard.
The lieutenant walks over, rather miffed. "Ok, so what is the meaning
of this?"
The lead technician answers. "You asked for a scanning crew, sir."
"Very
well, carry on. I had no idea that the Ubiqtorate refitted you guys."
The scanner is
set down, and a tractor beam is used to lift the lone Voyager shuttle onto its open glass
screen. With a loud whirring of gears, the lid closes, and the lead technician walks over,
pressing the Scan button.
Inside the shuttle, several people sat cross-legged in
the space where the warp core used to be.
Leia cocked her head, then turned to Luke.
"What's that funny noise?"
Luke reached out with the Force, and responded. "We're
being scanned."
After several minutes of making whirring noises, the scanner spits
out a sheet of flimsiplast, imprinted with a copy of the bottom of the shuttle.
Back on the bridge of the Strowbridge, Grand Admiral Sheppard watched as another wormhole
appeared, sucking the Strowbridge, the Death Star, the Honeycomb Field, the USS Enterprise,
and just about everything in the Bajoran System in.
"Damage report."
"Sir, all
weapons are offline. Everything else checks out normal."
"Location."
"Sir, we
appear to be in orbit of 20th century Earth."
"Oh."
Sheppard looks out the
bridge viewport, and sees that the Honeycomb field has settled into a crude orbit of Earth.
Just then, a ten-kilometer asteroid heads for the Strowbridge.
"FIRE THE SUPERLASER!"
"Umm... sir? We don't have a superlaser!"
"Well fire it anyway!" The green
superlaser beam lances out from the nose of the Strowbridge, obliterating the asteroid.
Meanwhile, on Earth, a battle was raging. General Merk Sheppard looked over the
plain at his army of mermen, who were advancing on Bangladesh. Suddenly, as they approached
the country's border, a giant steel wall rose out of the ground. Force-fields snapped into
being, and the country's Infinite Improbability Drive pushed it out of the crust, into
orbit. The army of mermen instantly changed into an army of cows, who immediately began
grazing.
"Captain Picard! There is a new contact coming from Earth!" Ensign
Nameless shouted over the din of Red, Yellow, Green, and Purple Polka Dot alerts that were
blaring on the Enterprise's bridge.
"On screen, Ensign Nameless."
"On screen."
The view changed from a view of blank space, to a view of the Bangladesh Orbital Platform.
"Magnify, Ensign Nameless."
The computer chimed a response. "Magnifying Ensign
Nameless." Then, the viewscreen began to show a gigantic view of the ensign, starting from
the feet up.
"No, not that! Magnify the BOP!"
"Magnifying." A holographic Romulan
BOP was shown, and it whizzed over the ducked heads of the bridge crew.
"WHAT THE
KRIFF IS GOING ON!?" Grand Admiral Sheppard tried to shout girlishly over the din of
exploding cream puffs, but only succeeded in getting one of the french maid bridge crewmen
to turn around.
"Gunnery Commander Kynes, I demand an explanation to this!"
Kynes
looked down at himself, and quickly grabbed a towel that had materialized nearby, to cover
himself up. "Admiral, it appears that the Bangladesh Infinite Improbability Drive managed to
somehow combine realspace with Otherspace!"
"Is there any way to shut it down?"
"No. That's infinitely improbable, due to the nature of the drive."
"Can we do
ANYTHING?"
"Well, we can try to fire the superlaser at it..."
"Then do so by all
means!"
The superlaser charged up, and a high-pitched squeal was heard throughout the
ship. Finally, as a tech pressed the button marked "FIRE," the sound of a flushing toilet
was heard. On the bridge, panic ruled.
"What was that?"
"What?"
"That
flushing toilet."
"Oh, that. Just Wayne Poe using one of the refreshers."
"Well
tell him not to eat so much."
"Yes, Admiral."
The superlaser barrel jerked
back, and a brown wad went sailing towards the BOP. "Ensign Jimmy, what was that?"
"Huh? Oh, you told me to fire the superlaser. Due to the influence of Otherspace, the
superlaser has been turned into a crap cannon."
Dexter's Empire
Chapter 12
"I see everything now. Seven of Nine's undies-"
"What? Let me see that!"
Two stormtroopers, their armor a brilliant pink, sat hunched around a viewscreen that was
somehow displaying a view of the former Borg's quarters. Just at that moment, though, it
displayed Luke Skywalker walking into view. Seven walked up, kissed him on the lips, and
began to take off her shirt. But Luke put up his hand, and told her to stop. The
stormtroopers watched eagerly as he pulled out his lightsaber...
...and sliced through
whatever was displaying the picture. But the audio was still on.
The first stormtrooper
looked dejected. "Aww, now I can't see a thing."
The two looked at the viewscreen,
which was only displaying static. But after a minute, they pressed their ears against it,
listening to what was happening.
Luke's voice came over first. "Mara Jade? I
thought..."
"You don't need to think. Just come close."
Seven interrupted. "Look,
lady, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but get away from my guy."
"YOUR guy? He's my husband!"
A crunching metallic sound came over the speakers, and
then a dull thud. The snap-hiss of a lightsaber igniting promptly followed.
"Like I
care, so suck it!" Another thud followed.
"No, YOU suck it!" The sound of a lightsaber
swiping through air broke the eerie silence.
"Watch where you point that thing!"
Another swipe, and then static.
In the meantime, a badly damaged DeLorean
crash-landed in fighter bay 1154 of the Disco Star (formerly the Death Star), smashing into
a parked TIE fighter and causing it to explode. Immediately, two stormtroopers, both wearing
Ewok costumes, ran up, grabbing Jennifer off the deck and placing binders on her. They then
quickly walked off.
Inside the DeLorean, Marty was rubbing his head. Just then, the
sound of stormtroopers pounding on the door with corn dogs could be heard. Marty reached
across, shaking the white-haired scientist. "Doc! Doc! We've got to get out of here!"
Doc looked up, and shook his head a couple of times. "Marty, I want you to pop the door and
get out on the count of three. One... two... THREE!"
The doors flew up, hitting the
stormtroopers in the head, and sending them flying backwards across the deck. Marty grabbed
his hoverboard and started running, closely followed by Doc. "Hey, Doc! Where to?"
"I
don't know- just go anywhere!"
Immediately, Marty began running toward a turbolift,
and pressed the button marked "Anywhere". The turbolift shot in some random direction, and
finally the doors opened... on a wintry blizzard scene.
The Doc peered out into the
blizzard. "What gives, Marty?"
Marty shouted over the howling wind. "Santa Claus?"
At that point, two giant accordion-spring mounted boxing gloves appeared behind the two
men, ejecting them into the blizzard.
"Hey Doc!"
"What?"
"I can't see!"
"Well neither can I!"
"Hey Doc!"
"What?"
"You hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"That!"
Slowly, the sound of several third-graders arguing could be heard,
accompanied by the sound of several hundred stampeding cows. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
You bastards!"
Doc got to his feet, squinting out into the white blizzard. "Great...
Scott! Marty, get down!"
"Why?" Just then, Marty got flipped in the air, and landed on
the back of a cow.
Doc snorted. "See?" But then, the same happened to him. "Whoaaaaa!
Help!"
As if it wasn't bright enough, a blinding flash occurred, and the herd found
itself back on a corridor of the Disco Star.
Kyle looked up, only to see Cartman
swallow an entire cow. "Cartman?"
Cartman burped loudly, and then firmly responded. "I
am Darth Cartman, and you _will_ respect my authoritah!"
"Ohh shit! STAN!"
"Damn,
Kyle! I'm calling the Worschester Sauce Hotline!"
"Why? This ain't the zombie
episode!"
"I know!"
Dexter's Empire
Chapter 13
In the meantime,
Darth Vader walks off a shuttle, toward Ralph Nader, who is
standing nearby. Nader
immediately begins grasping at his throat, and falls
down dead. "Apology accepted,
Candidate Nader."
Nader's corpse sat back up. "What apology?"
Vader promptly
responded. "I killed you, so go ahead and die already!"
As soon as Nader dies, a
man, wearing a blue suit and carrying a slim
briefcase walks in.
"Gordon Freeman,
in the flesh. I have relieved you of your weapons- after
all, they were government
property."
Freeman turns around quickly, the RPG still on his shoulder. "What?"
At
that point, Freddy interrupts. "Oh, so you're the one behind this!"
The G-Man turns
toward him. "And who are you?"
"I am Freddy the Magnificent, Keeper of... aww, shit.
Someone gave me the
wrong script!"
Quiet chuckles are heard coming out of a nearby
vent shaft. The G-Man
continues.
"Well, as I was saying... what was I saying? Ahh,
yes. I am G-3PO,
human-cyborg relations... damn, that can't be it!"
At that point,
Thelma speaks up. "Why is everybody talking this way?"
Freddy chimes in. "Yeah,
something's very fishy around here."
They all speak in unison. "It must be a
conspiracy!"
Scooby walks over, and points toward a piece of paper lying on the ground.
It reads:
Rear Characters:
My apologies ror rhe random runacy. Rhings
have been hard on me lately,
erecially my alter ego. Rus, the Microsoft Word rell-recker
is acting up
again. Ranyway, if rhou want roo rolve rhis mystery, rook ror an old
RHYT-1300 reighter in the Mutara Nebula.
Rigned, rhe rauthor.
Freddy,
Thelma, and Daphne all look at each other, confused. "Who's the
author?"
A voice
again booms out of nowhere. "I am! Oh shit, never mind!" Quiet
rustling sounds are heard
coming from the ventilation duct. Then, a loud
clang could be heard, followed by rapid
gunfire. The gunfire ceased for a
second, and then resumed, louder than ever. Loud
squeaking and chattering
noises came through the vent, and a man screamed. "MEDIC!"
Daphne looks up at the sign hanging above them. "Hmm. Black Mesa Research
Facility?"
Just then, a team of scientists run past, apparently in a very big
hurry.
"Get to Lambda Sector while you can!"
"What the heck?" Freddy looked at the
passing scientists, just as the vent
grille burst open from behind, edges smoking from
blaster fire. A very
dishevelled man stepped out. He wore the bullet-resistant vest of a
security
guard, a pair of heavy jeans, and a Marine's helmet.
"Who are you?"
"I'm the author. Or, more correctly, was the author."
"What happened?"
"My alter
ego, Crayz9000, went evil and took control."
"Why?"
"I dunno. This is no time to
ask, anyway!"
Just then, Kyle, Darth Cartman, Kenny, and Stan go running past, pursued
by
several headcrabs. A headcrab jumps on Kenny, promptly turning him into a
zombie.
"Oh my God! They headcrabbed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!"
The people in the hangar
bay of the Strowbridge watched with fear as LT.
Hit-Man briskly strode past, boots
pounding on the metal deck. He was
smiling, which only made the hangar crew more
uncomfortable. The only time
that the LT. smiled was... well, nobody had ever come back
alive. But one
person was oblivious to the LT.'s approach, and continued to spit-polish
the
Fearmeister. Hit-Man waited for several seconds, then tore the headphones
off
Chris's ears. "GET AWAY FROM MY SHIP!," he shouted into the crazy
clone's ear. The
clone paid no attention, and a collective gasp was heard
from the bridge crew. LT.
Hit-Man turned around, in his best Jim Carrey
impression, and said, "Clones today.
They're so indifferent." Then he
grabbed the clone with his droid arm, spun it around,
and placed his laser
sight right between its eyes. Still, the clone didn't flinch. So
Hit-Man
punched a button on his commlink, and a droid rolled up with a cage. Then,
the LT. grabbed the unfortunate clone by the crotch, in the classic
Spaceballs
style, and unceremoniously dumped it in the cage. He pressed
another button on his
commlink, and the cage was placed in the cargo hatch
of the Fearmeister. Two more cages
followed, one empty, the other holding a
masked figure. Finally, the top hatch of the
starfighter slammed shut, just
as LT. Hit-Man boarded it. Slowly, the starfighter rose
on its
repulsorlifts, and cruised out of the hangar bay.
On the USS Jellyco,
Captain Jones was watching a pr0n flick of two guys
screwing a dolphin on the main
viewscreen when a dull thud came across the
ship.
"Ensign Nameless, what was that?"
"God Emperor Jones, that was us ramming the Fearmeister."
"Good. Then the accursed
Hit-Man must be dead."
A rending of metal could be heard, and the viewscreen exploded
in a tangle
of metal, glass and wires. Through the opening strode LT. Hit-Man, an icy
cold look on his face.
"Well. LT. Hit-Man. I never thought you would get the guts
to come here and
fight me like a chicken."
There was no response from the
stormtrooper, who simply continued on. In
the meantime, Timmy kept talking.
"Oh
yeah, did I tell you that I have Q on a leash? He'll come to rescue me
anytime I snap
me fingers like this." He snapped his fingers, and the evil
genie Jafar appeared next to
him. Timmy just sat there, grinning, but slowly
turned around when Jafar cleared his
throat.
"Um... hi... wait... gotta go!" Timmy took off at a run, but stopped dead
in his tracks as Jafar simply pointed at him, and a giant doggie-leash
appeared.
Then a giant anvil fell out of the sky, turning the unfortunate
Timmy into a pancake.
Jafar looked at it, and the anvil vanished. But before
Timmy could un-pancake himself, a
10 ton weight fell out of the sky,
punching him straight through the floor and into the
brig.
In the meantime, LT. Hit-Man walked up to Jafar, shook hands with him, and
then proceeded to the brig while Jafar vanished. Once he reached the brig,
the
stormtrooper chucked the weight at the wall, peeled Timmy off the floor,
and placed him
into a Osterizer blender that he had pulled out of a wall
alcove. Chuckling to himself,
he grabbed the blender, turned it on for
several seconds, and then set back to the
Fearmeister.
(Intermission?)
Loud cheers could be heard across a forest
clearing. And what a strange
sight it was. The Podracing stands from Tatooine stood at
one end of the
clearing, and Q, now disguised as Boss Hogg, stood in the grandstand.
Spread
out across the rest of the field was a motley collection of vehicles from
across the universe. Finally, Q spoke.
"Today, we're going to have the First
Annual Intergalactic Podrace! In
first position, as the former champ, is Sebulba of
Tatooine."
Sebulba promptly threw a hydrospanner at Q, who ducked under the missile.
"I AM the champ!"
Q just ignored it and continued. "In second position is the
Dynamic Duo of
Hazzard County, driving a modified Dodge Charger, the General Lee."
A bright orange car with a Confederation flag painted on the roof came
flying over a
dirt ramp, landing perfectly in its spot.
"In third place is Hazzard County Sheriff
Roscoe, driving a Dodge Patrol
Car." He turned around, and whispered into a CB radio.
"Roscoe, is the
secret additive ready?"
"Sure, Boss, the nitroglycer-something tank
is in place."
"DON'T MENTION IT!"
"Sorry, Boss."
Q turned back to the crowd.
"In fourth place is that great green van right
from the 60's, the Mystery Machine.
Groovy, baby!" This time, there was no
interruption.
"In sixth place are the
Dominican Shout Troopers. These girls-"
Q was interrupted as the Shout Troopers, in
their brown habits, all got up.
"Oh, it makes me want to
SHOUT!
Come back
on again and
SHOUT!
Come on now,
SHOUT!
Come on now,
SHOUT!"
Q looked at them. "Are you finished yet? Good. Anyway, as I was saying, in
Seventh Place are the Imperial Scout Troopers. These are the idiots who kept
running
into trees on Endor-"
At that point, one of the scout troopers grabbed his blaster, and
began
firing at Q.
"Now, now, calm down. You can't possibly hurt me."
Then,
all of the Scout Troopers opened fire. Q waved his hand, and a heavy
transparisteel
panel appeared in the way. "May I continue? Very well. In
Eighth Place is Tom Paris with
the Delta Flyer II!"
Loud boos erupted from the grandstand, and a hail of rotten
tomatoes pelted
the Delta Flyer. "Please, Warsies! Calm down! Now, I was saying that in
Ninth Place is the Teletubby Express..." Even louder boos erupted from the
grandstand, and Q cleared his throat. "No, correction. I mean that in Ninth
Place is
Ben-Hur with... hmm, Anakin Skywalker's podracer? Oh well. In Tenth
Place is Biff
Tannen in his '47 Ford! And, last but not least, in Eleventh
Place is Marty McFly, on
an Imperial Speeder Bike! Now, it's time to head to
the betting booths and place your
bets as to who will win! Betting ends in
one hour, so get those bets in!"
Q waited
for a second, and then sped up time for a while. "Ok, the betting
time is up! The race
will begin in three... two... one... GO!"
All dozen contestants jumped forward, but
the Mystery Machine ground to a
halt within a few feet of starting. Freddy got out and
popped the hood, only
to be greeted by a stream of oil. "There has to be an explanation
to this!"
Then, Thelma walked up. "It must be sabotage!" Freddy poked his head back
into the Mystery Machine. "Come on, gang, there's a mystery to solve!"
Q began
his duties as announcer. "Oooh, looks like the Mystery Machine is
out of the race! Hey
wait! Freddy is out... they're coming this way! I think
they're going to be out of the
race for good." He turns to the live video
displays of the race-course. "Currently,
Sebulba is in the lead, with
Ben-Hur coming up behind him like a mynock on fire!"
On another part of the racecourse, the Dukes were going full-tilt against
Sheriff Roscoe. The Lee launched off a large dirt ramp and over a pond, and
drums
started beating.
"George,
George,
George of the Jungle,
Strong as he
can be,
George,
George,
George of the Jungle,
WATCH OUT FOR THAT-"
"Ahh-iee-ahh-iee-ahh!"
The drums stopped just as there was a muffled
whump, and the Dukes had a
face plastered across their windshield. Then the drums
started beating
again.
"car."
Sheriff Roscoe watched the Lee launch
off the ramp. Not intending to get
stuck in the pond like he usually did, he pulled on
the Nitro lever. His car
shot forward with a tremendous burst of speed, but he failed to
notice that
the Ewoks had released their logs. The patrol car spun around, and went
flying tail-first into the duckpond.
Back at the front, Sebulba and Ben-Hur
were busy ramming each other.
Finally, their pods got stuck together, and both looked up
to see a tree
directly in front. At the last second, Ben-Hur managed to free his pod,
with
the result of Sebulba's pod crashing directly into the tree. Neither tree
nor
pod came out alive.
Meanwhile, Paris was running the DFII virtually unopposed.
Well, not
really. The Shout Troopers had hitched a ride on the roof, and so they were
at a tie. Suddenly, the Delta Flyer's sensors flashed red. An AT-AT was
looming
directly in front of it, shooting at snowspeeders that somehow
appeared. Paris
instinctively jerked as the AT-AT's head turned towards him,
but it was too late.
Lightning coursed through the circuitry as the Delta
Flyer took a direct hit, sending it
into a downwards spin. It crashed into
the fluffy snow, and the unharmed Shout Troopers
picked up their bicycles
and went on their way.
Biff cruised along, oblivious
to everything around him as he listened to
50's music. But suddenly, something caught
his eye. Marty, on a Imperial
speeder bike.
"Hello McFly! Glad to see you could
drop in. Now drop DEAD!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
Biff cranked his car hard to the
left, intending to take out Marty.
Unfortunately for him, he forgot that Marty was
flying. The speeder bike
shot upwards, missing the fallen log which clipped off the
Ford's
windshield.
"McFly, you're going to pay for that!"
"Hey Biff! You're
the ass who ran into that tree! Oh yeah, look out in
front of you!"
Biff quickly
turned his neck, just in time to see a manure truck backing
up. Right straight for him.
"See you later, Biff!"
"AAHHHH!"
Back in the grandstand, Q watched the
progress of the remaining
contestants. "And now Ben-Hur's in the lead, with the General
Lee following
in a close second, after ditching the sheriff in a duckpond, and slamming
into George of the Jungle! The Imperial Scout Troopers are now disqualified,
since
the Ewoks booby-trapped the racetrack! Marty McFly, though, is trying
his best to
overtake the General Lee. And following up are the Dominican
Shout Troopers! Oh, it's a
close race now! Ben-Hur is still in the lead, but
the Dukes and McFly are at a tie! No
matter what happens, it looks like the
Shout Troopers are still going to be the
runners-up! Here they come down the
home stretch! Oh my gosh, this can't be happening!
The Shout Troopers are
picking up speed! They are moving past the speed of sound!
They're
overtaking Ben-Hur! This is a change nobody expected! They are in the lead,
with Ben-Hur close behind! Ok, now it looks like the Dukes managed to hold
their own
against McFly! Five hundred meters... four hundred... three
hundred... two hundred...
one hundred... And the Shout Troopers win the
race, with Ben-Hur and the Dukes tied for
second place, and McFly coming in
third!"
The crowd erupted in cheers (and
boos) as the final contestants walked to
the awards booth. Back on the grandstand, Q
kept on talking. "And now we'll
talk with those people who didn't make it. First up,
Biff Tannen!"
Biff appeared on the giant screen, slimy from horse crap. Q took the
opportunity to speak. "So, Biff, what is your comment?"
Biff slowly spat some horse
manure out of his mouth. "I... hate... manure!"
Q turned around. "Well, there you have
it, folks! Now, back to your regular
scheduled random lunacy."
Dexter's Empire
Chapter 14
"Hello, Timmy. My name is Jimmy, the Mercenary Banana."
"Huh?"
"We're in a blender. And you have a glock pointed at you."
"So?"
The blender
was shaken, and Timothy came out as a red splotch on the floor. The blob immediately
straightened itself, and rose to LT. Hit-Man's eye level.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?"
"Kriff you, Timmy!"
"I ASKED A QUESTION!"
At that point, the LT pulled out a
Ghostbusters gluon gun, and turned it on. The unfortunate paste that was Timmy was sucked
into it, and then the LT walked over to an airlock and chucked it out.
"WAAAAH!"
Timmy's voice carried across the vacuum of space with a... resounding clang?
"LT.
Hit-Man to the bridge. Lock all tractor beams on a red blob, and put it in a containment
cell. I'm not done with it yet."
"Um... yes, sir!"
"Sir, we've figured out
what to do with all these tribbles."
"Well, what do we do with them?" The Death Star's
commanding commodore looked down at the midshipman in front of him.
"This." He pulled
out a ridiculously large blueprint, and spread it out across the table. "I call it the
TribbleLaser."
"What does it do?"
"It accelerates tribbles to hyperlight
velocities, giving them an immense energy charge. With the rate these things multiply, you
could destroy planets with the power of a hand blaster."
"Kind of like a Gauss rifle?"
"Precisely, only that tribbles are the projectile."
"Set to work at once. I want
you to replace half of every Star Destroyer's turbolasers if it works."
"Yes, sir."
***
"Sir?" Commander Data looked at his status displays. "There is an ISD
in weapons range."
Picard only glanced up from his cup o' tea. "Fire."
Phasers
lanced out from the NCC 1701-D, catching the Star Destroyer amidships.
"Sir, phasers
are having no effect. I'm reading... solid neutronium armor. Incoming!"
"Projectiles
are..." WHAM! "Hyperaccelerated Tribbles." WHAM!
The comm rang. "Cap'n, the hull canna
stand up to this kind of beating!"
"LaForge, enough of your Scotty impressions."
"Very well. But sir, I canna violate the laws of physics!"
"I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO!"
Suddenly, there was a flash, and Q (who else?) appeared on the bridge. "Mon
Captaine, I have received complaints about this universe, especially since the Empire has
started killing planets with Tribbles. It therefore behooves me to draw this to a close.
However, you will be spared." There was an even brighter flash, the bridge shook, lights
went out, several ensigns were killed, and the universe imploded.
FINIS
"Well... not exactly yet." Q turned around, to reveal the crew of the USS Enterprise,
sitting dead in space at the time of the second Big Bang. "You see, I simply hit the reset
button for the universe. It will... be rather interesting."
As he spoke, the Enterprise
was impacted by a proton shock wave, sending it spinning out of control. Q waved his hand,
and the ship was dumped several tens of millions of years in the future. "Bon voyage, Mon
Captaine." In the background, the ship can be seen careening towards a newly formed planet,
its stardrive section separating while the saucer crashes into the planet.
In the
Afterlife...
"Hey guys! Want to play another game of 'Pin the tail on Timmy'?"
Pablo Sanchez didn't even look up. "Oh, yeah, sure."
"Come on, guys!" Crayz9000
finally sat down, and began twiddling his thumbs.
LT. Hit-Man stepped out of the
shadows, a faint shadow standing beside him. "Wanna meet my new friend, guys?"
MKSheppard looked up at him. "Sure. Who is he?"
"He prefers to be called Diablo."
Meanwhile, in another section of the new universe...
"MUHAHAH! I am the
Emperor! MUHAHAH!" Dexter, arrayed in royal robes, stared down at the planet below. "You
will all bow before me! MUHAHAH!"
He laughed for several minutes, but then slowly
started crying. "I'm bored. Deedee?"
The End